This Ache (ttc)

So far, fall has been kinda rough for me. I am feeling such opposing emotions all the time, and it's wearing me thin.

By now last year we knew it was twins, and all our families knew. I don't know exactly what week I would have been. I am purposely not figuring it out. My grief most often takes the form of a deep ache. So deep that it feels like it's coming from something outside of me, like something is dragging me down to the center of the earth (cue John Mayer's song "Gravity"... maybe that's why I like that song??).

I am at a loss for words on a regular basis. I've lost the ability to precisely describe anything, let alone my emotions.

And at the same time, there is hope of things to come. Hope of the future, and new beginnings, and another try. And while I am incredibly happy to be at this point, I am sad that we have to be. It's the ultimate happy/sad experience.

The last time I spoke to my mom on the phone (just a brief call to check in) we chatted for a bit, and I was distracted because I was at work. Toward the end of the call she said, "Well, anything else exciting going on?" and there was this pause as her words hung in the air. I wonder how much my family wonders when we'll be pregnant again (we're pretty private about our plans IRL). "Nope, just working," I replied. Nothing exciting going on yet. Maybe there will be soon.

P.S. I've been thinking about this blog lately, and am considering going private again. Of course, any babyloss moms that read would be welcome, and anyone else outside of my family/close friends.

Friday Again

The end of summer is going by so quickly! Actually, the whole summer, even this whole year, is going by so fast.... So many days early in the year were filled with nothingness, simply trying to survive. So many days are a complete blur in my mind. And yet, this year, despite being the most painful of my life, has also held a lot of good (to my surprise).

There is much beauty in the contrast.

I am really looking forward to this weekend! My sister will be in town, and we've got plans for the fair (I am a HUGE fair nerd, and so is she) among other things. I feel actually excited, like I'm looking forward to something. I honestly did not feel that way about anything until our vacation. Now, it's slowly coming back... the feeling that life may have something to offer, after all.

A Long, Random Post on a Friday Evening

I received three comments yesterday when I posted a link to the August 19th Day of Hope site. Two of them I appreciated very much, but the first one pictured above gave me a weird reaction. It's from a close family member who is normally very thoughtful and careful about communication.

When I think of Evan and Asher, I get sad.

I'm sure she meant it in the best way possible, but it honestly put me in a funk from the time I read it. Like, "Yeah, and...?" Does she avoid thinking of Asher & Evan because they make her sad? Is she saying I shouldn't have brought this up because it's sad?

I was very confused by her comment, especially because she is someone who weighs her words so carefully. Was she trying to empathize? I still don't get it at all.

Also, it makes me so, so sad that my children make people sad. I don't need anyone to remind me that it is a sad subject. I have spent more than enough hours sobbing to be well aware. In fact, I spend a great deal of energy trying to remember of them in ways that are less sad. I also don't need anyone to remind me that my speaking of the boys makes people uncomfortable. I am keenly aware that it makes people uncomfortable, and I am constantly fighting an internal battle over how often to mention them and what to say. I already weigh every word for fear of causing awkwardness. I hate that I have to worry about that, and I don't feel like I should have to. And so, this comment irritated me. Hmmph.

Well that's my vent for tonight.

:::

This evening has been tough. I've had the whole night to myself. Any time I am alone for some time my grief tends to resurface, especially when I'm at home. The silence is deafening. A constant reminder of what is missing. The sounds and chaos of two baby boys. Sweet baby noises as they sleep. Even the crying that would certainly frustrate me at times. How I wish to hear those things.

When I feel overwhlemed by grief I often cope by going through their things, holding their blenkets and hospital bracelets. But tonight I just did not want to do it. I don't want that stuff, I want them. It's a hole that nothing can fill.

:::

Tomorrow I get to see a friend from out of town and her new baby! I'm excited to meet him, but I know it will be tough. It always is. I hope I can focus on my happiness for her, rather than the ache inside me.

Holding Pattern (ttc, or lack thereof)

Well, we've decided to postpone things a bit.... I'm bummed about the delay, but I know it's for the best. I realized that, under ideal circumstances, this month would put us at 20 weeks right around Christmas. Christmas was awful last year as we had just lost the twins, and it derailed everyone's travel/visiting plans for the holiday. My fear of a repeat occurrence would add a lot of extra stress that I simply don't need.

I think the delay will help separate the pregnancies in my mind, and hopefully take away some tiny part of stress. And anything I can do to be less stressed, I will do! I promised myself that we would not move forward unless we both felt 100%, and with this time frame out of the picture I think I'll feel much better.

random thoughts on a Monday

I like...

...when someone refers to my boys by name.
...when someone asks how I am doing, and really means it.
...when I see someone for the first time since my loss, and they acknowledge it even thought it's been "a while".
...when a friend asks to see pictures of them.

I don't like...

...when I see someone for the first time since our loss, and they act like it never happened.
...when a friend or family member never acknowledges my loss, ever, even with a card.
...when someone refers to our loss as a miscarriage (my babies were as alive as you or I am when they were born).
...when someone looks at me with pity.

Waiting Game (ttc)

I received the results of my labs today, and everything is normal!! This isn’t a huge surprise since they were simply re-running labs from when I was in the hospital, but it’s a nice assurance. Full speed ahead to Baby #3! Yipes!

I am really so excited to move forward, but I’ve felt really odd the past few days. I feel like I’m in limbo...moving forward, yet being pulled back at the same time. Part of it is the timing—today is 2 days from when I found out I was pregnant last year. So I’m feeling a definite sense of déjà vu. Part of it is the feeling of moving forward, yet not being “finished” with the last pregnancy. The pregnancy ended, of course, but not in the way I expected, so it feels unfinished. I don’t expect to feel totally resolved in my grief for a long time, and I’m not waiting on ttc for that. Emotionally, I am in a good place to move ahead, but I still grieve and miss Asher & Evan deeply.

I just did some pregnancy math, since today is CD1… if I got pregnant this month, I would be due May 13th. And—my heart skipped a beat—the baby would reach viability on my birthday, January 20th. Oh how I hope and pray that we make it that far.

It’s a very slow afternoon at work, so I have a lot of time to think. I am so anxious to get started and get pregnant, but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. I guess that’s how it’s going to be. A waiting game from here until (hopefully) we have a healthy baby in our arms.

Facebook Strikes Again

I have to say I've been doing really well with Facebook lately. I can handle about 85% of all the pregnancy/baby posts, pictures, etc. Most of them don't bother me anymore, unless it's a person complaining about morning sickness (several times a day), or whining about day 1 of bed rest. "Pregnancy is SO HARD!" Yes, it is.

But every once and a while, I reach my breaking point. Like today, when I friended a long-lost acquaintance only to promptly be invited to join a page she created for moms in her area. It went something like this: "Are you a beautiful mother who loves her children? Do you want to know about exciting, fun activities for moms and kids in your area?" Thank you, new "friend" for reminding me of the groups that I do not get to join. Thank you for not looking at my page for even 5 seconds, because if you did you would get the gist of what happened nearly 8 months ago, and (hopefully) think twice about what you were about to send me. Sheesh.

vent over

Distraction

I am so distracted today. I can't seem to focus on anything or make myself be productive! Hate when that happens.

My thoughts are daily occupied by many things. One of the prevailing thoughts today is how badly I wish to be pregnant again. Perhaps it was the news of a friend's new baby, or the time of year (we are almost to the point when we started trying last year), perhaps it's just the desire to get out of this "stuck" place I'm in. I feel so ready to get going, get on with things, try again. I can't explain it. Despite the fear and anxiety that is sure to overwhelm me when it does happen, I still want it so badly.

We are kind of moving in that direction, but no official plans until after our trip in July. This is smart, and good, and waiting on God's timing and for us both to be ready. But I am impatient.

Speaking of the trip..... only 2 weeks until Fai.th's Lo.dge, and then COSTA RICA!!

OK, time to get something done. Geesh.

Blargh.

We had to put our family dog to sleep this morning. :-(

My mom is in France right now, so I am the “emergency contact,” and they called me right before I left for work. Poor Ursa had a twisted stomach, which apparently is an emergency thing. So it was either really expensive surgery on a 14-year-old dog, or put her to sleep. So I called my sisters, and we all agreed that it was time. She is really old (especially for a standard poodle) and it was bound to happen soon. I tried to call my mom in France (which is the funny part of the story, because I, the one daughter who does not speak French, called the hotel, and managed to say hello and ask the person if she spoke English. Good thing she did, because that was about the extent of my French knowledge!) So anyways. It is sad. And I’m sad for my mom because she would have liked to be there, and it will be really sad to come home and not have a dog to pick up from the kennel. And I’m really really really busy today but I didn’t get in early like I wanted because I was on the phone taking care of all that. And I’m about to switch my mouse to my left hand because my right hand hurts every time I click the mouse. Blahhh.....

Gulp...

We have our tickets and hotel reservations for our Costa Rica trip in July! We got everything arranged over a month ago, and are SO excited.

But, today I went onto a travel website to see what the latest discussions were about CR, and I found a news article that the Are.nal Volcano erupted two days ago, prompting evacuation of the national park!

Our hotel while we're in the Are.nal area is at the foot of this volcano. Like, we can watch the volcanic eruptions from our bed. Awesome, right? But crap, I don't want to get caught in some kind of natural disaster!

So then, I was looking online for more info about this eruption (which they said posed no danger to anyone, but they had evacuated the park just to be safe), and I found out that there was a 6.1 earthquake a few days ago, in the other town we're staying during our trip!

YIKES!

So now I'm trying not to freak out. Deep breaths.... I'm sure it will be fine, right??

Happy Friday and Feeling In-Between

This week, but especially today, has flown by at work. We are so, so busy. I haven't had much time to think about anything other than work. EXCEPT our upcoming garage sale! We're having a garage sale all day tomorrow, and I am nerdily excited about it. I just love getting rid of stuff, and actively trying not to be a pack rat. It won't be a huge sale, because there's only two of us, but it is amazing how much stuff one couple can accumulate in a short time. I will feel better to have less of it in our house. And it will be kinda fun to have an excuse to sit around outside all day.

I've been thinking about many things, but haven't been taking the time to write about them lately. Well, part of it is time, part of it is that I catch myself thinking, "Have I written about that already?" I feel like a broken record sometimes, in this grief journey. I mean, I can only describe my grief with so many metaphors before even I get tired of reading. At the same time, this blog exists for that very purpose, and so I don't explode IRL from holding in my feelings. I feel like I'm in an odd state of limbo with my emotions. Half the time I feel pretty OK and normal-ish, and half the time I find myself wondering how much longer I have to put up with this. I am trying to be gentle with myself, but it's hard. I am impatient. I am restless. I am uncomfortable in my current position in life. Half the time I'm being gentle and allowing myself to just be, and the other half I'm yelling at myself "Will you just snap out of it and LIVE already??"

There seems to be a delicate balance of learning to live in this state. Something for me to ponder this weekend, while I sit outside and hope people buy our stuff.

Don't be alarmed....

I'm trying out a new blog name. It is subject to change, as I've only started brainstorming. But my old name was feeling too stuffy, and not really what this blog is about.

So right now, it's called "A Mother's Journey". Other options:

• Mother of Two, Mothering None
• To Be a Mother
• Journey Through Grief

Nothing spectacular comes to mind at this point, but any suggestions are welcome! In the end it doesn't really matter what I call this place, I suppose.

Happy Friday!

Vent

Ugh. Awkward Coworker Conversation #1 just happened.

Today I am wearing a very light, comfy, flowy new shirt. It is really cute, and in that flowy loose style that is very popular, but I haven't always worn a lot of.

Coworker, who is actually really super nice, complimented me on the shirt. I said thanks and we chit-chatted for a minute. And THEN came what I can only assume (giving her the benefit of the doubt) was an uncontrollable running of the mouth where you keep thinking "Stop, stop!" and yet you just KEEP. ON. TALKING.

She went on and on about the merits of this style of shirt, and how it's so forgiving, and you don't have to worry about your gut hanging out, etc. etc. And THEN she went on to say that she wears this type of shirt all the time and her husband always asks her why she's wearing her maternity clothes. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

I pretty much stopped listening at that point. One, I am twenty years younger than you, much thinner, AND currently losing weight, thankyouverymuch. TWO, the last thing I want to talk about right now is pregnancy and pregnancy clothing, especially if you are comparing my current outfit to maternity clothes. Three, talking about feeling fat and trying to cover it up is NEVER a good topic for anyone who has recently given birth. HELLO.

I realize I am overreacting here. But I was totally nice and somewhat normal in the moment, so I have to vent a bit now. Sometimes people should just think before they speak.

I hate how little things like that can just BAM! slap me in the face and make my mood do a 180. I sem to be much more volatile in that way since having the babies. At least I seem to be able to control myself in front of other people, for the most part. Ugh. OK, vent over.

Disconnected Thoughts

Sometimes when I read back over entries on this blog, I still can't believe I am the one writing it. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away?

::

J and I are trying new things to control/improve our individual battles with anxiety. Last night we bought journals to use as a sort of mental dumping ground before bed. It took my quite a while to write anything down—I am big on journalling, but always in a structured, "this is what I'm writing about," read-it-again-later kind of way. So stream of consciousness rambling about my worries did not come easily. However, I did sleep pretty well last night, so hmmm.... maybe it worked! We'll try again tonight and see how it goes.

::

I've had a ridiculous headache all day. It comes and goes, but when I'm walking/moving quickly it is excruciating, for about a second. It's on the right side of my head kind of behind my eyes. I HOPE it's just a migraine and nothing to do with my eyes, but of course I worry that it's my eyes. I hope it goes away—I can honestly say I've never had a headache last this long before.

::

SO glad tomorrow is Thursday. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say tomorrow.

Attempting to empty my brain, so I can get some work done....

There are a lot of things rattling around my brain today. I have many subjects I want to write about, but not nearly as much time or motivation. In no particular order, here are the things I'm contemplating and/or hope to write about this week:

• My weekend, and the arrival of Asher & Evan's original due date. As usual, my dread of the day far outweighed the reality. Overall, the weekend was not horrible.
• The garden we're working on for the boys. We made a decent amount of progress this weekend!
• The stages of grief, and my experience with them so far. I seem to be stuck in Anger Mode right now. My period is probably not helping the situation, but I am embarrassed by how difficult it is for me to simply be nice lately.
• Related to the anger/being nice thing, I have a very strong desire to be able to say that this whole experience has made me a better person, more loving, more compassionate, more like Jesus, etc. But for right now, I feel like the opposite is true a lot of the time. Again, I am embarrassed to say it, but it seems like I spend so much energy trying to simply function, very little is left to focus on being a better person. Right now I just feel like a wounded animal, snapping at anything that threatens me. My fuse is very short, indeed. I'd be interested to hear anyone else's experience with this, now or when I (eventually) write about it in depth.
• Memories of the boys, and what I imagine them to be like. I've been thinking a lot about this lately.
• My dreams over the past several nights.
• Anxiety/depression/other things I'm trying to pay attention to between counseling sessions.
  

I Hate Statistics

Seriously. There are so many stats involved with my pregnancy, and future stuff. I hate it. I need to remind myself that no matter what the stats say, they certainly don't dictate what will happen. Obviously....

Mono/di twins have a 75% survival rate.

They say that after the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly, so as each week passed I grew more confident.

With identical twins, there is a risk of Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, something like 10%.
Only ten percent! Surely we wouldn't be one of the unlucky ones. Babies with TTTS have a very small chance of survival unless there is intervention. Then the survival rate grows to 50%. That stat always frightened me, especially once they started watching our boys more closely for this condition. I had no idea we wouldn't even get that far.

Pregnant women have a 5-8% chance of developing preeclampsia. This risk is higher for first pregnancies, and multiple pregnancies.
This is the one that makes me want to scream. It makes me so angry that I put my confidence in these numbers, assuming I would be in the majority, or on the "good" side. With this experience, my safety net of statistics is GONE. I was in that 5-8%.

Of women who develop pre-e, about 4-12% go on to develop HELLPS.
Me again, "beating" all the odds. I am now a statistic. I don't know what percentage of babies born early because of pre-e die, but I imagine that again, it is the minority. My babies are a statistic. Our story is one of those that others will hear and think, "Gosh, that could never happen to me!" They will think that I am an exception. Maybe they think that I must have done something wrong to cause all of this to happen. Well, I relied on things like taking prenatal vitamins and avoiding caffeine, and in the end it didn't make a bit of difference. And that makes me so, so angry. It also makes me wonder what the heck to do next time? Should I live it up with a cup of coffee each day, do the opposite of the things I did the first time around?

Really, I know that I will continue to try to do my best, follow all the rules, because that's who I am. But it will be so much harder because all the while I will know that in the end, it's possible that none of it will matter. One of the most frustrating things about this whole thing: in the end, I have absolutely no control over whether I will ever have a healthy child. And there isn't a single number that can assure me otherwise.

Now, I have a whole new list of statistics to contend with. Will I "beat the odds"? And if so, will it be in a good way or a bad way?

Women who had pre-e have a higher chance of getting it again than someone who never had the disease.

Women who had pre-e have a 3-4x higher risk of developing heart disease.

Couple who go through an infant loss are 40% more likely to break up.
As the article I read containing this statistic stated, "as if losing a child wasn't enough."

And on top of it all is my on personal statistics: I am 0 for 1 when it comes to pregnancies. I am 0 for 2 when it comes to healthy, living children. I hate statistics.

Pregnant? Yeah, right.

I went to talk to my boss this morning, to give him a head's up that I will be having more frequent doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. I'm sure I didn't really need to explain myself, but I felt weird not saying anything. I've had three appointments in the past two weeks, and have three more coming up in the next two weeks. Plus, we will have counseling appointments every other week for a while. It's nothing dramatic, just my ongoing eye issues, and counseling, but I have a close enough relationship with my boss that I felt comfortable telling him about those things.

When I started to explain that there would be an increase in appointments, he got this look on his face, and said, "Yes....?" in a way that I'm almost POSITIVE he thought I would say I was pregnant again.

For some reason I've been thinking about his reaction ever since that conversation. It's not really a big deal. If anyone thought I would be pregnant right now, my response would be, "Yeah, right." It's only 4 months out. For me to become pregnant right now would be very dangerous, for me and the baby.

And yet... I confess that I think about it often. Being pregnant, that is. As much as I am still grieving, and as much as I know that pregnancy would not be the best thing right now, for MANY reasons (my health, mostly, but also emotionally), it still crosses my mind every month. What if? I long for my boys, but I'm at the point in my grief where I definitely recognize that they are gone, and they are not coming back. So I long for them, but I also long for a sibling for them. I long for a baby to hold. I long to be pregnant. Even with all the fear that it will bring, even with the tragedy of my first pregnancy still fresh in my mind. I can't help but hope.

Losing the boys shattered a dream, to be sure. It shattered our dreams of having healthy twins at home right now. But it has done nothing to change my dream of having a baby. I am glad to be a mother now, but I long for the day when I can in fact be pregnant again, and (Lord willing) bring home a healthy baby. I long to put my new found role as a mother to use.

Friday!

Augh, today has been so frustrating at work. One thing after another. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything, for it to be done correctly. SO glad it's Friday!

Wishful

Last night I dreamed that I had a baby. A real, live, healthy baby.

The dream took place at the hospital (the same one where I had the boys), mostly in my hospital room. I was holding my sweet little baby. He looked just like Asher, but I think it was another baby in the dream, because I remember being aware that I had lost them, and now I had this new little guy.

I don't remember many specifics, except that Jason was there, and my grandparents came to visit the baby. Oh, and I put him into a little fabric-covered box to sleep. And I nursed him (that was one of the things I most looked forward to doing with the twins).

My reaction to this dream is mixed. Some hope, some numbness. In the dream it felt SO GOOD to have a baby. I want a child to hold in my arms, so, so badly. But that's really all the dream was... my subconscious expressing that desire. Hmmm.

I hope someday the Lord blesses us with another child. And I hope we get to take him or her home and see them grow up.

Scattered Memories

It's funny the things I remember about the time surrounding the boys' births. There are the obvious things that anyone would want to remember, but the "funny" things are those that pop into my head randomly throughout the day. They are mostly insignificant details, odd thoughts that ran through my head, little moments. They may not be important, really, but it is so important to me that I remember every single little thing, so matter how silly or small.

I remember...

• ...asking the nurse whether I would have to dilate to 10 centimeters before I could deliver the boys, and the nurse and my mom saying, "That's a really good question."
• ...being told by nurse Maureen that the babies' heads would be about the size of a tennis ball.
• ...the feeling of the narcotic entering my body through the IV. I said to Jason, "I can feel it kicking in. There it is...."
• (this is funny) While pushing, the doctors were holding my legs in the air, and I remember thinking that my thighs looked really nice at that angle.
• ...laying in bed on that morning, breathing through contractions and trying to let Jason sleep for just a few more minutes. Eventually I said, "Honey. It's time for you to get up now."
• ...seeing a news story on TV about the Duggar family. The mom had delivered her umpteenth baby at 25 weeks, due to preeclampsia. I said hopefully to J, "Look honey, she had preeclampsia and had her baby really early. And the baby is doing OK!"
• ...my dad arriving at the hospital for the second time, after J called him and told him to come back because we had to deliver. He came in to my room and just lost it. We held each other and sobbed. I have never seen my dad cry like that.
• ...sobbing uncontrollably after Dr. Wagner came to talk to us and give us the bottom line. I was absolutely wailing, not caring at all who heard me. My mom was sobbing, too. And then she left to call someone, and when she came back she said that she wasn't sure it was the right room, because the woman in the room next to mine was crying, too.
• ...feeling SO grateful and happy when the nurses produced beautiful knit blankets and hats for our boys to wear, because obviously we didn't have clothes for them. I felt "happy" that they had them to wear, and plan to send blankets and hats to the hospital every year, to ensure that other moms can have that comfort.