So, like I said before, Mother's Day was not horrible. That's really all I could ask for... I don't think that's asking too much, right? :-)
We were in Denver for the weekend for my sister's college graduation, which carried its own set of stresses/possibilities for conflict. But the weekend went really, really well. I was so thankful for that. Everyone got along and had a good time. I can't believe my baby sister is done with college! Wow, I feel old.
On Mother's Day, J gave me a card that made me cry (he always writes such sweet things), and a beautiful photo album full of all the pictures we have of Asher & Evan. The album itself is seriously gorgeous: purple textured leather from London. He really spoils me! And the pictures, of course I can't get enough of them. Plus it's small enough to fit in my purse, so I never have to feel like I am leaving the boys at home. Such a sweet gift.
I have a belated Mother's Day gift coming, as well. J ordered (At my "suggestion") the Audrey necklace from Lisa Leonard's studio. It was created by Lisa and Angie Smith, whose daughter Audrey died shortly after birth. One of the things I love so much about this necklace is the story behind its creation. Angie talked about her daughter being real and having weight, and so the necklace itself is heavier than one would think, and (so I'm told) warms against your skin. I love that. Anything that further symbolizes my boys, their lives, and the realness of them. I can't say it as eloquently as Angie did, but I know how she feels. I can't wait for it to arrive.
Speaking of Angie Smith, I just got her new book "I Will Carry You" and I can't wait to read it!
:::
Work has been INSANE lately. In. SANE. I know I talk a lot about being busy but WOW, things are not in a good place right now. I'm glad we are busy, but I have a feeling I'll be working a lot of extra hours over the next few weeks. Eeek.
:::
J and I are done with our individual counseling sessions, so we'll meet as a couple again for our next appointment. J has some more anxiety things to deal with, and together we'll be discussing some more couple-y issues. Eventually, we'll talk about trying again, and how to get to a point where we feel ready for that. It's so weird, part of me feels SO ready (the part of me that longs to have a baby to hold), and part of me wants to throw up at the very thought of it.
One thing I struggle with is contemplating how "far" we need to be in the grief process before it's reasonable to consider trying again. The counselor mentioned that we don't have to feel like we're "done" with grieving to move forward and try again. Of course, we will never be done. But how close to resolution should we be? I know this is a very individual decision for everyone, but just some things I'm thinking about lately. I trust that when it's time, we will know.
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
As the Day Approaches....
I really didn't think this week would be so hard.
I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.
Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.
Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!
And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.
This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.
I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.
Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.
Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!
And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.
This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I've wanted to post several times this week, but work has been so ridiculously busy! I haven't had much energy for anything else.
On my heart today is a girl named Kerry. She is in the hospital with Pre-e/HELLP, and is being induced tomorrow. Her baby girl will most likely not survive. My heart just breaks for her. I remember the day we had to decide to induce delivery. It was one of the worst days of my life. I would never wish this excruciating journey on anyone. Kerry and her family are heavy on my heart, and in my prayers today. It's amazing how many people out there have been affected by this horrible disease that I'd barely heard of, before it happened to me. It seems so unfair.
This past week has been pretty good overall. We had our first appointment with a grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. The counselor seemed very kind and compassionate, and I think we'll be a good fit. She told us that it seems like we are doing really well, considering. There's something comforting about having a professional say that, especially when I feel like a psycho half the time! For our next session, J and I are supposed to think of things in our relationship that have been frustrating (related to our grief), and topics for discussion. Basically, how the counselor can help us.
Last weekend we went to the Minnea.polis Insti.tute of Arts. We hadn't gone to a museum together in quite a while. It was fine, but I was in kind of a funk that day. I find it difficult to enjoy doing things as much as I used to. We were in the contemporary section when a mother and her little boy came in. The mom was asking the boy all kinds of questions about the art, and really engaging him in the visit. It was exactly what I've always imagined J and I doing with our kids. My heart broke all over again, and I totally lost in in the middle of the museum. Our boys are supposed to be here. We should be looking forward to their first museum trip. It made me feel so lonely.
Of course after that, all I could see were the little boys everywhere in the museum. I swear it was "Bring Your Adorable Son to the Museum" Day. Every time we'd turn a corner I'd think "Are you KIDDING me!?!" because there would be another cute little boy with his parents. We left soon after.
Those are the kind of things that make me feel psycho. I cannot predict when I'm going to be hit especially hard by something. Grief feels like a mental illness in that way. My reactions and emotions can be so unpredictable, and leave me feeling completely vulnerable. That may be part of the reason I don't enjoy going out and doing things quite as much—I always have to be on my guard for potential emotional minefields. I don't know what will set me off. At any moment I will step on a soft spot, and BAM! burst into tears. A lot of times I don't have the energy for it, so I'd rather stay home.
Luckily, J is not letting me stay home. And I have no intentions of becoming a hermit, really, so we keep trying. I feel bad that he has to deal with my explosions. They must feel even more unpredictable to him.
Anyways. The weather is amazing lately, which helps my mood. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm hoping to take some time to sit and meditate on the amazing gift of Jesus, and His death on the cross. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it yet this season. But it is all that I have, and all that keeps me going. I'm so glad for the hope I have in Him, even when I don't focus on it as much as I should. I hope tomorrow isn't hard... it will be the first extended family gathering since the boys were born. It should have been their first family holiday, or I should have missed it because I was about to pop. It's hard to say when they would have arrived, but I sure wish they were here now.
On my heart today is a girl named Kerry. She is in the hospital with Pre-e/HELLP, and is being induced tomorrow. Her baby girl will most likely not survive. My heart just breaks for her. I remember the day we had to decide to induce delivery. It was one of the worst days of my life. I would never wish this excruciating journey on anyone. Kerry and her family are heavy on my heart, and in my prayers today. It's amazing how many people out there have been affected by this horrible disease that I'd barely heard of, before it happened to me. It seems so unfair.
This past week has been pretty good overall. We had our first appointment with a grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. The counselor seemed very kind and compassionate, and I think we'll be a good fit. She told us that it seems like we are doing really well, considering. There's something comforting about having a professional say that, especially when I feel like a psycho half the time! For our next session, J and I are supposed to think of things in our relationship that have been frustrating (related to our grief), and topics for discussion. Basically, how the counselor can help us.
Last weekend we went to the Minnea.polis Insti.tute of Arts. We hadn't gone to a museum together in quite a while. It was fine, but I was in kind of a funk that day. I find it difficult to enjoy doing things as much as I used to. We were in the contemporary section when a mother and her little boy came in. The mom was asking the boy all kinds of questions about the art, and really engaging him in the visit. It was exactly what I've always imagined J and I doing with our kids. My heart broke all over again, and I totally lost in in the middle of the museum. Our boys are supposed to be here. We should be looking forward to their first museum trip. It made me feel so lonely.
Of course after that, all I could see were the little boys everywhere in the museum. I swear it was "Bring Your Adorable Son to the Museum" Day. Every time we'd turn a corner I'd think "Are you KIDDING me!?!" because there would be another cute little boy with his parents. We left soon after.
Those are the kind of things that make me feel psycho. I cannot predict when I'm going to be hit especially hard by something. Grief feels like a mental illness in that way. My reactions and emotions can be so unpredictable, and leave me feeling completely vulnerable. That may be part of the reason I don't enjoy going out and doing things quite as much—I always have to be on my guard for potential emotional minefields. I don't know what will set me off. At any moment I will step on a soft spot, and BAM! burst into tears. A lot of times I don't have the energy for it, so I'd rather stay home.
Luckily, J is not letting me stay home. And I have no intentions of becoming a hermit, really, so we keep trying. I feel bad that he has to deal with my explosions. They must feel even more unpredictable to him.
Anyways. The weather is amazing lately, which helps my mood. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm hoping to take some time to sit and meditate on the amazing gift of Jesus, and His death on the cross. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it yet this season. But it is all that I have, and all that keeps me going. I'm so glad for the hope I have in Him, even when I don't focus on it as much as I should. I hope tomorrow isn't hard... it will be the first extended family gathering since the boys were born. It should have been their first family holiday, or I should have missed it because I was about to pop. It's hard to say when they would have arrived, but I sure wish they were here now.
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