I'm Still Here!

This will be short, but I wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, and still pregnant, and getting amazingly, crazily close to having this baby! I am 34 and a half weeks along now.

Things have been so busy lately, and I have started going to bed around 9:30, so there hasn't been much time for blogging. As usual, I have so many more thoughts than I can write down on any given day. But I appreciate all of you who are hanging in there with me. I anticipate my blogging to be slow for a while, maybe even go on a hiatus, but please know that I think of many of you on a regular basis. My heart is very much with you, and I am very thankful to be part of this community.

I have wanted to write more often, but I've been busy, and overwhelmed by the sheer number of thoughts that go through my head each day. Literally from joy to panic and back again, with some grief thrown into the middle. Such is my "new normal," I guess. I'm going to attempt some coherent updates, but be warned... this will be a long one!

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Christmas was really good! We enjoyed seeing family, watching our nephews and niece run around like maniacs all weekend, opening presents, resting, and soaking in the joy of Christmas. Christmas Day itself was a bit tough... I was concerned that I would lose it during the marathon two-hour gift-opening that morning (I had visions of me crying while trapped in the room by piles of gifts, forcing me to sob in front of everyone), but I was OK. I was OK until we (inconveniently) were at someone else's house. And then I lost it. And spent over half an hour sitting in a bedroom and crying. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling... my tears were the only way to express how much I missed Asher & Evan. I am lucky that our family is more than understanding, and no one made a big deal of it. And I was fine the rest of the day. I think I just needed some time to acknowledge and feel the pain, in the midst of all the happiness.

J kept asking me if I "had an OK Christmas" like it really sucked but I managed to get through. I tried to emphasize that Christmas was actually really good. My new normal means that I can spend an hour sobbing, and still have an OK day. I'm (sadly) used to it. If that weren't the case I would be completely insane by now.

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I'm slowly catching up on blog reading—and will be even slower to catch up on commenting—but I am so thrilled to see all the rainbow pregnancies lately! I am praying for happy, healthy, normal, uneventful pregnancies for each of you.

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So, the "joy-to-panic-and-back-again" thing. Of course this has to do with Baby 3, who is happily growing in my belly and giving me all kinds of digestive issues. :-) I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, and so thankful to be 16 and a half weeks pregnant with this little one. When I am able to focus on the joy I am moved to tears by how thankful I am. However, it's a daily struggle to focus on the joy over the terror that sneaks into my mind. I've had so many thoughts that I would never voice aloud, but have wanted to share here, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I worry how much time I have left with this baby, and feel like a ticking time bomb. Quick refresher: I was admitted to the hospital at 21 weeks, delivered at 22 and a few days. I was most definitely showing signs of pre-e at my 20-week appointment. So, yeah. Did I mention I'm approaching 17 weeks??? As we get closer to 20 my blood pressure will probably rise just from the stress.

I had lunch with my mom yesterday and we talked about being nervous. She commented that I have to try not to be too nervous, but then said, "But how can you do that? How is that possible? Meditation, what? How do you do it?" I shrugged. I just do. What choice do I have?

Aside from praying and surrendering my worries to God, I haven't found anything else that really helps me calm down. Honestly it helps me to remind myself that I have absolutely no control over how this turns out. I. Have. No. Control. This helps because it allows me to stop dwelling and worrying so much about things. It's wasted energy. All I can do is enjoy each day that I have with this baby. I hope and pray that I will have years with this child, but even if it's only today, I'm striving to be thankful just for that.


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And lastly, I know that many babyloss moms out there have "goals" that they want to reach in their pregnancies. Whether or not these dates mean anything, it somehow helps to have small victories to reach. Here are the dates I'm praying for. I will be ecstatic to reach any/each of them:

• January 22: the week of my birthday, 20 weeks pregnant.
• February 9: 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. This will be the most pregnant I have ever been, and past the day when we lost the boys.
• February 19: 24 weeks pregnant

I can't even think beyond 24 at this point. If I get to 24 with no pre-e I will be crying and puking and sobbing with joy. (Seriously. Thanks to Baby 3, if I cry too hard I start gagging, and you know what comes next....)

This is silly, but I somehow feel like I'm tempting fate by listing these days. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'm a Christian, so I believe God is in absolute control, and He doesn't work that way. Yet every step I take to "commit" more fully to this pregnancy, I feel a little nervous that I somehow jinxed myself. As Mich.ael Scott would say, "I'm not superstitious... but I am a little stitious."

Happy News!

Over the past year, I have felt a mixture of emotions like I've never experienced before. Who knew it was possible to feel so many different things at once? But the bitterness of the bitter sometimes makes the sweet all that much sweeter. There is great beauty in contrast.

It's with that intro that I share one of the newest, sweetest things: I am pregnant!

The quick details: I'm 13 weeks and some odd days along. I'm due June 11th. One baby, all looks great so far! You can expect to read a lot more about my shifting emotional state over the next several months as I try to maintain sanity. I am already so in love with this little one, and so thankful for each day with him or her. Thanks for sharing in our excitement!

"Happy" Birthday?

It is 6 pm, and I am still at work. Got here at 8:30. Probably won't leave until at least 6:30. That's the kind of busy I am these days! It leaves little time for anything else, like holiday shopping, blogging, etc. Hopefully soon we will be past our deadline and things will slow down.

I cannot believe that Asher & Evan's birthday is in less than one month.

Sometimes I feel weird using the word "birthday," like it isn't quite right to describe the magnitude of that day. Yes, it is their birthday, but it is also they day they went to Heaven. Sometimes I say "the one-year anniversary of the day the boys were born and died," but that is 1) quite long, and 2) still doesn't quite do it. It is the day I became a mother. It's the day my whole world changed. I need a new word or phrase to describe this day.

I also need to figure out what we're going to do on that day. J and I have the day off of work, and we've discussed going to the hospital to drop of the tiny hats and blankets I've crocheted in their honor. We've also discussed doing some kind of service project. I know that I will need to keep busy, and stay out of the house. But I don't know what I will really need, and how I can truly honor them.

Originally, we thought about ideas involving lots of people... but then I wasn't sure how many people I want to spend the day with. No matter what I would feel like a "host," and I'm not sure I'll be up to that. Anything resembling a party felt awkward, both because of the circumstances, and because of the random group of people we would invite (my divorced parents, random church people, etc). It all started to feel like an awful lot of work and burden for a day that I may just want to be left alone.

But of course, that day isn't about me. It's about them. It's about Asher & Evan, my beautiful firstborn sons, and a celebration of the short time we had with them. It's about remembering, and honoring. It feels wrong not to do something HUGE and momentous for such a momentous day. And yet, I think our celebration/memorial will be fairly low-key.

But I am struggling to be OK with that. I feel like a bad mother because I have nothing planned yet. Because I don't have some great idea. Because work is keeping me too busy to think of much else. Because I would rather be planning a loud, messy, hectic party filled with family, cake, and two adorable one-year-olds.

We do have something in mind... a vague idea of a card commemorating their birthday, along with a prompt to do some kind of good in their name. We would send this to close family and friends, and invite other people to participate, as well. Basically, make their lives have an impact, even though they are not here.

If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them! I'm sure I'm really worrying too much about it. But as many of you know, it is incredibly difficult to figure out how to parent children who are in Heaven, when you are still on Earth.

Thank You

Hello! Sorry for the long absence... life has gotten awfully busy lately, and I'm not able to sit down and blog as often as I'd like to.

I want to send an overdue BIG thank you to two ladies in blogworld who have touched me with their thoughtfulness.

First I'd like to thank mommy4boys from Sweet Button Names, for thinking of my boys and writing their names. So thoughtful, and such a sweet surprise. It made me smile when I saw it!

Second, thanks to Melissa from Amazing Mikayla Grace, for including Asher & Evan's names in her beautful tribute at Faith's Lodge. It means a lot that someone else is thinking of them, especially in that place.

I've said it before, but I will say it again: I am so thankful for this online community, and the instant bond we have. It means a lot. :-)

One Lovely Blog Award

Thanks to Jill at Footprints on our Hearts for nominating me for the One Lovely blog award. Jill's blog has been a great source of encouragement and support in the months since we lost Asher and Evan. Many other blogs have helped me, too. I am very grateful for the online babyloss community. It's so helpful to know that I'm not alone!

So without further ado, here are the rules of this award:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person wo has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

And here are the lovely ladies whose blogs I've nominated. Some are relatively new finds, some are blogs I've followed since the beginning of our journey. I am thankful for all of them, and many more than are listed.

• Kerry @ Our New Normal 
• Stephanie @ Carried Through Grief 
• Trisha @ Such a Short Time - Such a Long Road 
• Laura @ My World 
• Courtney @ Cloudy With A Chance of Hope 
• Beth @ Little Bluebirds Fly (Beth has since moved to a private blog, but you can find some great pre-e info here, and instructions to access her new place)
• Christy @ Almost A Mother 
• Ashley @ Nolan's Story 
• Betsey @ Too Beautiful: Living After Losing Olivia 
• Ciaran's mommy @ All the Little Ponies

Getting Ahead of Myself... (ttc)

So. I need some advice!

There are many, many things about a future pregnancy that worry me ("worry" being an understatement). But there is one thing that I can't wrap my mind around, can't picture happening. And that is how to announce a new pregnancy at work.

With the twins, I shared the news at our weekly office meeting (I work in a small office of about 15 people). It was like something out of a TV show—women shrieked, jaws dropped, everyone was sublimely excited. Then I added the kicker that it was twins, which just about sent everyone into hysterics. The memory of it still makes me smile.

But I cannot for the life of me think of how I would announce a subsequent (as of yet hypothetical—I tend to get ahead of myself with details like this) pregnancy. If I had it my way I would hide it from the world for nine months, then just show up with the baby once everything (hopefully) turned out OK.

So I'd love any stories or ideas from those who have been there, or hope to be there one day. Thank you!

FYI on TTC

Another blogger recently added "(ttc)" to her posts about trying to get pregnant again, out of respect to women who may not want to read about those topics. I think it's a good idea, so I will do the same. If you see (ttc) in a post title, that means it contains info about pregnancy/future stuff.

Note: we are not yet actively TTC, but an upcoming post talks a lot about plans for it. I don't want to upset or surprise anyone who doesn't like to read about that.

I totally understand if you choose not to follow my blog, or that part of our journey, or even if you just have a day where you can't handle it (as I still often do). No judgment here!

I'm Back!

Ahhhh......... (relaxed sigh) We are back from our vacation, and I cannot fully express how good it was. It was everything that we needed for it to be, and more. Even though I knew we needed a break, I don't think I realized how much we needed it. Wow. Thanks to everyone who thought of and prayed for us and this trip. We are so, so grateful.

I'm busy catching up at work and home (it is amazing how much havoc a cat can wreak on a house in 2 weeks!) but plan to write more about our trip later this week. I have so many, many thoughts in my head that I need to get into writing! I'm working on it! I'm also catching up on a lot of blog reading so I can be up-to-date.

Confession on Comparison

I've always struggled with comparing myself to others. My journey through loss has been no exception. I realize that it's completely ridiculous to compare myself to others when it comes to grief, because everyone grieves differently. In fact, I've never experienced anything else where those in the midst of it can simultaneously relate so well, and react so differently.

And yet, I have these little thoughts creeping in as I read other blogs, books, articles, etc...

• Wow, she seems to be coping well. I wonder if she's being honest with herself, or fully dealing with her emotions.
• Boy, she's a mess. Maybe she needs more help/medication/counseling.
• I admire how well she's doing with her grief, and how strong her faith is. What am I doing wrong that I can't react that way?
• I'm not as upset today as she is. What's wrong with me that I seem to be coping better?
• Should I be doing more/less? Should I try group therapy/medication/that book?
• Should I wait longer to try again, like that person? Should I be trying NOW, like that other person?

I am constantly both condescending and searching for advice. I am judgmental, and yet worried that others will judge. I worry that I am both "too far along" and "not far enough" in my grief. The uniqueness of grief makes me feel lost. Grief has no map, no step-by-step instructions. There are no progress reports or performance reviews to tell you how you're doing. There is no standard against which to measure yourself, no way to know when the long, lonely ride will be over—or at least slow down so you can catch your breath.

I think that God is really trying to teach me something about the dangers of comparison through all of this. Because every time I compare, I lessen the connection I feel with another person (potentially someone I could learn a great deal from). Comparison eats away at my sense of compassion. And I probably miss out on learning what I could from the remarkable women in this BLM community. I admire you all so much, and truly appreciate your hearts and willingness to share. None of us asked to be here, but many of you are creating something positive from your circumstances.

I hope that little by little I can rid my mind of these comparisons, and comparison in other areas of my life, as well. Hopefully I will come out of this a more compassionate person.

Thanks for listening. :-)

I came across this quote in an article on the Grieve Out Loud blog today:

Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it.
If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end:
if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth–
only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.
~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Headache. Earache. Heartache.

I'm feeling kind of depressed today, just in a funk. There's not really one good reason for it—I'm just having a down day. Sad about the news about Courtney, sad that there are oodles of women out there dealing with the loss of a child (or children). I am comforted by the sense of community in blog world, but I'm sad that we're all here.

I've always been somewhat hyper-vigilant about my health, always thinking there is something wrong with me. Sometimes it gets laughably ridiculous, the things I might imagine myself having in a given day. Diabetes, MS, arthritis, cancer, tumors, etc, etc, etc.... The list goes on, and really is kind of silly. But since we lost the boys it's only gotten worse. I worry about every little ache and pain, and I wonder if it's grief-related, recovery-from-pre-e-related, or truly a problem? I second guess myself constantly. The past day or so my breasts have been achy. This could be nothing, or something to do with my cycle, or.... what? I get more frequent headaches now. Is there something wrong with my brain? I think I pulled a muscle in my chest recently, which has led to minor chest discomfort, which of COURSE I think is a heart attack.

So what is all this? Am I just a nutcase to be having all these physical issues? I've always been a very healthy person until I got pre-e. Now, nothing is certain. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I need to feel more confident in my body before I can try to get pregnant again. But it's hard to know where to go from here when my "ailments" change on a daily basis, and I don't even know if they are anything real. I realize this post makes me sounds crazy, but some days I feel that way!

Wyatt River

My heart is with Courtney and Jason, who lost their son Wyatt today. Wyatt joins his brothers Logan and Brody in heaven. Words cannot begin to express my sadness for them.