120/76 - woo hoo!

Well, I went in for a follow-up BP check yesterday, and after an initial high reading my BP went down to 120/76. Yay! I have some serious white-coat hypertension going on, and I think my doctor is on to me. Even though I was only scheduled for an appointment with a nurse, he came in to go over the results of my blood work (which I already knew were normal), probably to buy some time and make me feel better.

I fully embrace my role as a high-maitenence patient. I am fully aware, but I make no excuses. If I have to see the doc every day from now until the baby comes, I will do it (but I'm praying it won't come to that...LOL). I'm lucky to have a doc who works with me, and takes my situation very seriously.

So all that said, things appear to be just fine! Hooray! I am so thankful. Now if I could just calm the H down....

Speaking of calming down, J and I have decided to try Hyp.no.babies for childbirth. I just started the program a couple days ago, and am really enjoying it so far! I have to admit the cynical part of my brain pops in every once in a while ("Special Place??" "Bubble of Peace??" snicker) but I'm working on it. There's a CD track that I listen to every day which is full of positive affirmations about pregnancy, and it really helps me to be calm and positive! My favorite affirmation, "My blood pressure is perfect every day and night." :-D

Anxiety

I’ve had a dull headache for the past 2 days, which seems to go away with Tylenol, but then comes right back. I have only taken Tylenol a couple times because I don’t want to take much of anything, so I’ve had the headache to worry about. My blood pressure has been fine on my home machine, but the anxiety of it is completely psyching me out. So, I’m going into the clinic today for a BP check and protein check, to (hopefully) ease my mind.

I am really pretty sure that it’s nothing. This headache is localized to one side of my head, and I would think a BP-related headache would be all over, like a tension headache. Also like I said, my BP is fine. But still... I can’t help but worry! This little voice in my head says “Pre-e can happen WITHOUT high BP” and “your BP machine might not be accurate.”

I check my ankles, hands, and face for swelling every day. I check my BP at least once a day. I check my weight regularly. I even scrutinize my pee in the morning— “does it still look yellow? Any hint of brown?” Every little change sends my brain into overdrive, wondering “Is this a normal pregnancy thing, or a sign of pre-e? Is this ‘it’?”

My anxiety comes and goes in waves. Right after a doctor’s appointment or ultrasound I feel great, everything is fine! I’ve been more relaxed in the past few weeks than I have been this whole pregnancy. So I guess I’m due for a bit of a freak-out. I am thankful that the freak-outs seem to be a bit more infrequent lately. But wow, I wish I could just RELAX.

Anyway, I’m glad that my doctor’s office is willing to do whatever I need to feel secure about this pregnancy. They are my therapy...LOL I’ll update after my appointment, and hopefully I’ll feel a lot better once someone else has looked at my pee. ;-)

Vent: the Brew.er Diet

Recently I’ve begun trying to educate myself about childbirth, and the options available to me. Being a high-risk pregnancy I am preparing myself to be very flexible and “go with the flow” based on my doctor’s advice and whatever my circumstances are around the time of delivery. However, I also want to be really confident and informed going into labor. I’m one of those “read everything I can get my hands on” people who likes to research as much as possible. Information is power!

I’ll write more later about what we’ve looked into and learned about, but this post is a vent about something that REALLY ticked me off. And made me cry. And brought me back about 10 steps from where I was, as far as my emotional well-being/acceptance of the loss of my boys.

I was reading a workbook I friend loaned me about the Brad.ley Method of Childbirth. I won’t get into the method itself here, because I have no problems with it in general, and think it’s great if it helps women achieve the kind of birth they desire. One of the main focuses of this program is nutrition, which we can all agree is very important! HOWEVER, the claims of their particular nutritional plan are what got me so upset.

The nutrional plan emphasized is called the Brew.er Diet. Again, I won’t go into the details here (you can google it), but it purports to help women AVOID preeclampsia.

And there it is.

This diet claims that by eating properly, women will not get preeclampsia (they call it toxemia), and it outright pisses me off. It pisses me off because this diet was developed a long time ago (the 60s), and research has totally blown the theory out of the water, at least for developed countries. There is no peer-reviewed research to support this diet. But the BIGGER issue I have is that, by stating that women who follow this diet will avoid the disease, it also insinuates that it is somehow MY fault that I got sick.

I cannot tell you how long I have spent trying to convince myself that what happened was not my fault. It is only very recently, and with more and more research coming out, that I’ve been able to recognize that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this. It is not my fault.

It is not my fault. And yet, reading this small bit in the Brad.ley workbook brought me to tears, because I felt so judged. The plan made me feel like it was MY fault that I did not “stay low-risk,” which is a major focus of the program. And just like that, I was back to square one, blaming myself. And worrying that I’ not doing all I can for this new baby. And thinking about how, if something goes wrong, I will again feel like a failure.

What I really hate is knowing that there are people out there who, due to misinformation, think that it truly is my fault, or that I could have eaten more protein and avoided this tragic loss. There are probably even friends of mine who, though they would never ever say it aloud, deep down think that “if only she’d known about the Brew.er Diet” things would have been different.

I know I can’t change what other people think, so I have to focus on being OK with myself, and not blaming myself. That’s all I can do.

If you’re curious to read some more about this diet/reactions to it from the pre-e community, check out these links:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19437225

http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9742

You can google the diet and find the official website for it, too, but I’ll tell you that I could not spend more than 30 seconds there before my blood was boiling. Whew! (Trying stay calm and positive!) Thanks for letting me vent.

Blessed

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway there! This is huge. HUGE. And what is more exciting is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with NO signs of pre-eclampsia! Woo hoo! When I was pregnant with Asher & Evan, I was most definitely sick by 20 weeks, although I was not hospitalized until 21 weeks. So this is a really big deal. I feel very, very blessed.

Before I even got pregnant I said that I would be thrilled to be pregnant on my birthday. Well, it was my birthday on Thursday, and not only am I still pregnant, but we had our ultrasound! AND... (drumroll) discovered that we are having a 100% healthy baby girl!! AND... my placenta looks great and totally normal, as far as blood flow and everything. (For those not familiar with pre-e, it is thought to originate with poor implantation of the placenta... which would possibly show up in the blood flow, etc right now) The doctor gave me the most hopeful prognosis I've received yet, and actually said that she doesn't "expect" anything to happen (although I will be watched very closely). I have been walking around feeling like disaster was imminent, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So to have a doctor tell me that I can relax a little (little) bit is practically life-changing. I'm not kidding. The weight off my heart/soul/shoulders is immense. Don't get me wrong, I will still be fairly nervous. But today, for the first time, I actually looked at nursery stuff online. I couldn't even think about that kind of thing before Thursday. All I could think was "Is this my last week being pregnant? How many days do I have left?"

Those that haven't lost a child might think that I'm overdoing it a bit with the excitement of finding out I'm carrying a healthy girl. Some may think "Of course it's a healthy baby, why wouldn't it be?" Indeed. Unfortunately too many of us know all too well that you can't take these things for granted. Not a bit. And if there is one gift I can say that my experience has given me, it is that I will not take a single day with this baby for granted.

I am so, so thankful.

The Beginning of the End

One year ago today, I was admitted to the hospital on a Monday afternoon. I was 21 weeks pregnant, and my blood pressure was 180/120.

I had gone into the clinic over lunch for some lab work, and decided to have the nurse check my BP while I was there, "just in case." Other than crazy swelling I wasn't having any specific symptoms that anything was wrong, but I am a bit of a hypochondriac and thought I would have them check me out for my own peace of mind. I had no idea that my BP would be so high, that the nurse would have me lay down and immediately summon my doctor. No idea that he would tell me to go to the hospital, right now, without returning to work. No idea that I would place a tearful call to my husband to come get me... a call that he will probably never forget.

One year ago today, even as we arrived at the hospital and they gave me a room in Labor & Delivery, I had no idea that it was the beginning of the end. I had an inkling that I might have long weeks of bed rest ahead, and maybe babies in the NICU... I wish I were still blissfully unaware that sometimes babies do, in fact, die.

I am thankful that I will not be admitted to the hospital this afternoon. That I am much healthier and feeling much better than I did that day. But oh, how I miss them today. I hate that I am so busy lately... because I don't have time to deal with all the emotions. I still think about them every day, of course, but I do not have time to rest in these feelings of loss, to fully acknowledge how much I still grieve for them. My brain is so full of so many things.

On another (happier) note, I do have something to share, but I'll save it for another post. Take this as your cue to skip the next one if today isn't a good day for you. I will more than understand!

ETA: I forgot to say thank you to those of you who left helpful comments/encouragement on my last post. I really appreciate it. We're still up in the air about the day, but I am focusing on not making myself feel guilty, whatever we do or don't do.

Waiting Game (ttc)

I received the results of my labs today, and everything is normal!! This isn’t a huge surprise since they were simply re-running labs from when I was in the hospital, but it’s a nice assurance. Full speed ahead to Baby #3! Yipes!

I am really so excited to move forward, but I’ve felt really odd the past few days. I feel like I’m in limbo...moving forward, yet being pulled back at the same time. Part of it is the timing—today is 2 days from when I found out I was pregnant last year. So I’m feeling a definite sense of déjà vu. Part of it is the feeling of moving forward, yet not being “finished” with the last pregnancy. The pregnancy ended, of course, but not in the way I expected, so it feels unfinished. I don’t expect to feel totally resolved in my grief for a long time, and I’m not waiting on ttc for that. Emotionally, I am in a good place to move ahead, but I still grieve and miss Asher & Evan deeply.

I just did some pregnancy math, since today is CD1… if I got pregnant this month, I would be due May 13th. And—my heart skipped a beat—the baby would reach viability on my birthday, January 20th. Oh how I hope and pray that we make it that far.

It’s a very slow afternoon at work, so I have a lot of time to think. I am so anxious to get started and get pregnant, but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. I guess that’s how it’s going to be. A waiting game from here until (hopefully) we have a healthy baby in our arms.

Aspirin to Prevent Pre-eclampsia

Yesterday this article showed up in my Google Alert for pre-eclampsia. A recent study indicated that aspirin taken during pregnancy, starting before 16 weeks, can have a significant effect on the risk of pre-e. Taking aspirin is a common recommendation, but I'd always heard that the effectiveness was questionable. So I thought it was interesting to see a current study about this treatment. This study showed that the risk was decreased by almost 50%!

MFM appointment update (ttc)

Well, the appointment with the MFM went well! It went as well as it possibly could have. I’m so thankful for that. A part of me wants to be able to point to something and say “It was because of that. If I fix that, next time will be fine.” But so far it looks like that’s not going to happen, so I need to learn to accept that I absolutely cannot control the outcome of my next pregnancy. There is nothing I can do that will guarantee a positive outcome. (On the flip side, that also means there’s not much I could do to completely doom a pregnancy either….)

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be learning to let go. Let go of control. Control that, actually, I have never had in the first place.

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be acknowledging and accepting my lack of control. There, that sounds right.

Anyways, here are the details and highlights:

• I had the same nurse that I’ve had at all my visits to this particular office. I never visited this location until after we lost the boys, so in some ways it wasn’t as hard to go back, compared to my regular OB.
• I had a new doctor! This is saying something, because there are 15 doctors in this practice and I’ve seen most of them. I collect perinatal doctors like playing cards.
• Dr. LS was a fast talker, but very understanding and informative, with a good sense of humor. He even copied things out of medical books for me. I appreciate doctors that will explain things in layman's terms, but also aren’t afraid to give you all the information.
• Dr. LS’s best quote of the day: “If anyone tells you to relax, you can smack them.” Thank you (and I may take you up on that if needed)!!
• They are redoing some of my blood work to check for any changes—specifically, looking for any clotting disorders or autoimmune things.
• Dr. LS instructed me to take baby aspirin, starting when we begin TTC.
• My blood pressure was a bit high when I first arrived, but by the end of the visit it had gone down to normal. That was a relief! I seem to have developed a case of "white coat hypertension." :-)
• Another quote: “If things stay normal, we’ll treat you like you’re normal.” (What I wouldn’t give to have a pregnancy be considered “normal.”)
• Also, Dr. LS said that in early, severe cases like mine, if the woman gets past the time when pre-e appeared last time, many times pre-e will not occur again.

That’s about it! We are very, very thankful for a (nearly) green light from the docs, pending blood work. We are thankful for their optimism, wisdom, and the chance to try this again. I have some hurdles to face, and I anticipate a future pregnancy being very stressful and difficult. But I know that there are so many women who are facing, and have overcome, obstacles much greater than mine. Those women will be a source of strength and inspiration in the months to come.

In Other News/Upcoming MFM Appointment

We have an appointment with our high-risk docs next week for "pre-pregnancy counseling."

I don't know if we're ready yet, or will be any time soon, BUT we are at least feeling ready to talk about what it even means to be ready, and what "getting ready" entails.... Sometimes I feel fine when I think of TTC again, and sometimes I want to throw up at the very idea. So.... we'll see.

In the meantime, I have a gigantic list of questions for the doctor. I'm sure he will address much of this list without my asking, but it never hurts to be prepared! Many of these are specific to pre-e/HELLP, but I'd appreciate any input about things I should add! I want to be as informed as possible, and I don't care if the docs get sick of me and think I'm neurotic. :-)

• What's the overall "plan?"
• Will I be provided with a blood pressure cuff to check my BP at home? Should I check it regularly? How often?
• Will I be provided with strips to monitor proteinurea? How often? Starting when?
• Will I do a 24-hour urine collection to get a baseline protein count?
• How often will my labs be taken to check platelets, etc (HELLP)?
  
• How often will I have checkups?
• How often will I have ultrasounds?
• Blood work: have I been tested for all possible underlying things? Can I be tested for anything else (see list)?
• Bed rest? Reduced work hours?
• Vitamins: Calcium, Folic acid, Vitamin D, fish oil, CoQ10... what and how much?
• Baby aspirin? How much, and when to start/stop it?
• Will I be given steroids to help baby's lung development? At what point?
  
• What blood pressure would mean I should go to ER/labor and delivery? What protein?
• What kind of management will I have if I develop pre-e?
• exercise recommendations?
• diet recommendations (protein, dairy, etc.)
• any other treatments/recs: alternative therapies, etc?
• Can I see fewer doctors in the practice, request certain doctors, etc?
• Is there/can there be a note in my file to indicate our previous experience, alert nurses/docs to our situation (worried about insensitive comments, unnecessary worries, etc.)

Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound on my thyroid this morning. The exam itself was unremarkable. The hardest part was that it took place in the same room where we had our first ultrasound with the boys. This was the exam where we discovered that there were two of them! I will never forget that day. I remember the shocked grins on our faces, the excited disbelief, and J saying, "Well, you and the babies have a good day at work!" as we parted ways after the appointment.

I can still picture that first ultrasound image in my head, although I haven't seen it in months. It is one of the cutest things I have ever seen—my two little jelly bean babies just starting to grow. That day at work was agonizing, because I was only 9 weeks along and hadn't told anyone the news. I sat at my desk grinning at my computer screen the whole day, trying desperately to focus on my work. It took a few days before the news really sunk in.

We had only one ultrasound in this room because we switched to a high-risk doctor after that point, so the room is particularly significant to me. It brought back all kinds of memories I hadn't anticipated. Funny how the simplest things are complicated now, especially when it comes to doctor's visits.

Happy/sad.

Celebrate!

Woo hoo! I reached my We.ight Wat.chers goal today!!




It is an ongoing struggle for me to trust my body again since our loss. Part of regaining that trust and confidence is getting back in shape, and being at a healthy weight. Although I was not technically overweight to start out with, I knew I was not at the best weight for my body. We.ight Wat.chers has really helped me learn what it means to take care of myself through the food I eat. It's also been helpful to reestablish what a "normal" portion size looks like for me, after eating for three for several months (oh, how I miss them). I have felt so good these past several weeks as my weight has dropped and my energy levels have risen. I'm still a different shape in a few places, but so thankful to be feeling healthy again. (Next step: get my butt moving with the exercise side of things... definitely NOT my forte!)

Headache. Earache. Heartache.

I'm feeling kind of depressed today, just in a funk. There's not really one good reason for it—I'm just having a down day. Sad about the news about Courtney, sad that there are oodles of women out there dealing with the loss of a child (or children). I am comforted by the sense of community in blog world, but I'm sad that we're all here.

I've always been somewhat hyper-vigilant about my health, always thinking there is something wrong with me. Sometimes it gets laughably ridiculous, the things I might imagine myself having in a given day. Diabetes, MS, arthritis, cancer, tumors, etc, etc, etc.... The list goes on, and really is kind of silly. But since we lost the boys it's only gotten worse. I worry about every little ache and pain, and I wonder if it's grief-related, recovery-from-pre-e-related, or truly a problem? I second guess myself constantly. The past day or so my breasts have been achy. This could be nothing, or something to do with my cycle, or.... what? I get more frequent headaches now. Is there something wrong with my brain? I think I pulled a muscle in my chest recently, which has led to minor chest discomfort, which of COURSE I think is a heart attack.

So what is all this? Am I just a nutcase to be having all these physical issues? I've always been a very healthy person until I got pre-e. Now, nothing is certain. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I need to feel more confident in my body before I can try to get pregnant again. But it's hard to know where to go from here when my "ailments" change on a daily basis, and I don't even know if they are anything real. I realize this post makes me sounds crazy, but some days I feel that way!

Disconnected Thoughts

Sometimes when I read back over entries on this blog, I still can't believe I am the one writing it. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away?

::

J and I are trying new things to control/improve our individual battles with anxiety. Last night we bought journals to use as a sort of mental dumping ground before bed. It took my quite a while to write anything down—I am big on journalling, but always in a structured, "this is what I'm writing about," read-it-again-later kind of way. So stream of consciousness rambling about my worries did not come easily. However, I did sleep pretty well last night, so hmmm.... maybe it worked! We'll try again tonight and see how it goes.

::

I've had a ridiculous headache all day. It comes and goes, but when I'm walking/moving quickly it is excruciating, for about a second. It's on the right side of my head kind of behind my eyes. I HOPE it's just a migraine and nothing to do with my eyes, but of course I worry that it's my eyes. I hope it goes away—I can honestly say I've never had a headache last this long before.

::

SO glad tomorrow is Thursday. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to say tomorrow.

Encouragement

I've been having a lot of trouble lately with my emotions. I've even been questioning God, and doubting His faithfulness. If I'm being 100% honest, I feel disappointed with Him for how things turned out with Asher & Evan. That is a terrifying thing to admit. But I know that God already knows how I feel, and He will be with me through my doubts.

This morning I had a follow up appointment with my eye doctor, and I was reminded that God is there, and He is faithful to me. I have some damage to my retina because of the pre-e, and it has resulted in the loss of a little bit of my central vision. This sounds scary—OK, is scary—but I still have 20/20 vision (with contacts) and the distortion to my retina is very mild (says the doctor). I was reminded today how much worse things could have gotten. How very, very much worse. While I am complaining that I have a couple of spots in my eyes, I should be thanking God that I am not blind. Seriously. I can still read, drive, do my job, etc. Praise God for saving my sight through all of this!

Another encouragement came this morning from a blog I read, by a girl (Kerry) who recently lost her baby girl. I don't know her personally, but I have felt a connection through our similar experiences. She had a great video that lifted my spirits, and reminded me that GOD IS GOD. No matter where I am, no matter my circumstance, God is God. That will not change. I am thankful for the reminder this morning, and the encouragement to keep pressing on. I really needed it, and God knew exactly what I needed today.

As the Day Approaches....

I really didn't think this week would be so hard.

I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.

Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.

Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!

And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.

This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.

I Hate Statistics

Seriously. There are so many stats involved with my pregnancy, and future stuff. I hate it. I need to remind myself that no matter what the stats say, they certainly don't dictate what will happen. Obviously....

Mono/di twins have a 75% survival rate.

They say that after the first trimester, the risk of miscarriage drops significantly, so as each week passed I grew more confident.

With identical twins, there is a risk of Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, something like 10%.
Only ten percent! Surely we wouldn't be one of the unlucky ones. Babies with TTTS have a very small chance of survival unless there is intervention. Then the survival rate grows to 50%. That stat always frightened me, especially once they started watching our boys more closely for this condition. I had no idea we wouldn't even get that far.

Pregnant women have a 5-8% chance of developing preeclampsia. This risk is higher for first pregnancies, and multiple pregnancies.
This is the one that makes me want to scream. It makes me so angry that I put my confidence in these numbers, assuming I would be in the majority, or on the "good" side. With this experience, my safety net of statistics is GONE. I was in that 5-8%.

Of women who develop pre-e, about 4-12% go on to develop HELLPS.
Me again, "beating" all the odds. I am now a statistic. I don't know what percentage of babies born early because of pre-e die, but I imagine that again, it is the minority. My babies are a statistic. Our story is one of those that others will hear and think, "Gosh, that could never happen to me!" They will think that I am an exception. Maybe they think that I must have done something wrong to cause all of this to happen. Well, I relied on things like taking prenatal vitamins and avoiding caffeine, and in the end it didn't make a bit of difference. And that makes me so, so angry. It also makes me wonder what the heck to do next time? Should I live it up with a cup of coffee each day, do the opposite of the things I did the first time around?

Really, I know that I will continue to try to do my best, follow all the rules, because that's who I am. But it will be so much harder because all the while I will know that in the end, it's possible that none of it will matter. One of the most frustrating things about this whole thing: in the end, I have absolutely no control over whether I will ever have a healthy child. And there isn't a single number that can assure me otherwise.

Now, I have a whole new list of statistics to contend with. Will I "beat the odds"? And if so, will it be in a good way or a bad way?

Women who had pre-e have a higher chance of getting it again than someone who never had the disease.

Women who had pre-e have a 3-4x higher risk of developing heart disease.

Couple who go through an infant loss are 40% more likely to break up.
As the article I read containing this statistic stated, "as if losing a child wasn't enough."

And on top of it all is my on personal statistics: I am 0 for 1 when it comes to pregnancies. I am 0 for 2 when it comes to healthy, living children. I hate statistics.

Medical Info Dumping Ground

I've been meaning to record some of the info from my last couple of doctor's visits. So here we go...

My Health

• My protein levels are almost back to normal, as of this week. (Normal ratio is under .02, mine is at .04)
• My hemoglobin is almost back to normal, as well. (Normal is above 12, mine is 11.9)
• I am off my blood pressure meds, hopefully for good. My pressures have been pretty good the last few days. Last night I even had 117/76... yippee!
  
• Overall, health-wise, I am practically back to "normal." I still get tired more easily than normal, but I can tell my energy levels are improving.
  

This Pregnancy/Asher & Evan

• The placenta pathology report revealed that my babies most likely did have TTTS. Asher was the recipient, and Evan was the donor. It's hard to realize that even had I not gotten sick, the babies may not have lived. But it is also kind of confirming that the doctors were right to want me to deliver ASAP (i.e. not to wait until I got more sick)
  
• Also, the placenta was above the 90th percentile for size... this possibly contributed toward my developing preeclampsia. (In my head I pretty much blame everything on the placenta)
• I don't have any of the underlying conditions that may have led to pre-e (although I plan to get tested for more stuff, just to be sure)
• I officially had HELLP and pre-e.

Future Stuff (scary!)

• My chances of developing pre-e next time are "high." My official answers from doctors have been "60%," "30%," and "high." However, it will not be my first pregnancy, and I most likely will not have twins, so that will lower the risk. Really, no one knows anything.
• From what I've read, although my chances of getting pre-e again are high, my chances of getting HELLPS again are relatively low.
• We have been told to wait at least 6 months before trying again, medically speaking.
  

Thankful

This weekend was good. So good for my soul. BJ came to visit us, and it was so wonderful to see her. We didn't do all that much—but it felt so good to be in the company of friends all weekend. I mean, hanging out with J, BJ, and M all evening is quite a luxury for me!

BJ was such a calming presence all weekend. She cooked us dinners, kept us entertained, and had so many wise and loving things to say. We shared pictures of the boys with her, as well as the objects in their room. The three of us (J, BJ and I) had a long talk about what J and I feel we really need, or any needs that aren't being met. The only thing we came up with is a break, and time away. As much as we truly appreciate being surrounded by friends and family, we are both feeling the need to break away from everything, at least for a short time. Part of that need involves being away from the house, away from all things familiar, all reminders of the crappiness of that last two months. Part of it means not having to talk to multiple people every day about my reproductive health. We had both kind of written of the idea in our heads, because we certainly can't go on vacation in the near future. But BJ made the very good point that if God wants us to have something like that, He will provide and bless us. We could approach our bosses and ask for unpaid time this summer, or something. If this is something that is really important for our healing, and God will bless us in that.

J and I talked some more about the idea last night. We need to spend time praying about it, and figuring out if it is really something that God would have us do. Then, the scary part of asking for time off after I've just been off for eight weeks! Yikes! We'll see.

Anyways, the weekend was good, and I still feel pretty good today. I know there will be bad days and good days, but it sure is nice to at least have hope that today will be good.

I see the kidney doctor this afternoon. Really, really hoping this doesn't mean another awkward "how is the baby?" question from them. That happened on Friday at my OB appointment, of all places, and I don't know how much more I can take. I sent in my patient registration, and indicated that I have two deceased children, so if anyone takes the time to read anything, maybe this appointment will work out better. Sigh. Oh, my OB visit went well, and I have lots of info and thoughts about it, but that's for another post.

Writing for the sake of writing

It's a 3-day weekend for J, because of MLK day. I think he's been going stir-crazy already, even with only one day extra at home. We have gotten out though, to the movies, and to dinner with Julie & Ben while they were in town. It's been a tough weekend at times, too, which I'm sure is draining for him. I can't help but feel guilty that he has to receive most of my crying. He feels like he needs to "fix" it, as is his nature. But I don't need to be fixed—I just need to talk, and cry, and remember my babies. It has been truly amazing how different our experiences, and reactions, have been so far.

I had a small scare yesterday with some bleeding... but now it's mostly gone. Maybe it was the fastest period ever? That would be sweet... a bit of grace from my body, after all I've had to go through recently. A long, crappy period would be the icing on the cake.

I'm thinking a lot about my return to work in two weeks. Mostly hoping that it goes well and I don't do one of the following:
• cry
• faint
• act like a zombie
• totally overdo it and regress in my recovery

I also hope that my coworkers don't do any of the following:
• cry
• hug me until I cry
• ask awkward questions (hello, K)
• look at me with pity (I cannot STAND that)

I don't really know WHAT I want them to do. Maybe just say they're sorry, and then let it go. J has told me that it will be hard to be forced NOT to think about this situation, and forced to actually work and do things for other people. But I don't want to break down at work (at least not in front of people), and so maybe it will be best if they just avoid the topic. But then maybe I would feel badly that no one cares... I dunno. I feel like it's like ripping off a Band-Aid... I just have to do it, and see what happens.

Sigh.

I went off my blood pressure medication yesterday... second attempt at being done with it.

Just took my blood pressure around 5 after being up and about. It was 162/93. Sigh. After a chat with the on-call doctor, I am back on the labetalol. Joy.

I really just want to be better. Physically, I mean. I'm so tired of feeling "not well." I have felt better lately, but as long as I'm on medication, I don't feel normal.