Getting Ahead of Myself... (ttc)

So. I need some advice!

There are many, many things about a future pregnancy that worry me ("worry" being an understatement). But there is one thing that I can't wrap my mind around, can't picture happening. And that is how to announce a new pregnancy at work.

With the twins, I shared the news at our weekly office meeting (I work in a small office of about 15 people). It was like something out of a TV show—women shrieked, jaws dropped, everyone was sublimely excited. Then I added the kicker that it was twins, which just about sent everyone into hysterics. The memory of it still makes me smile.

But I cannot for the life of me think of how I would announce a subsequent (as of yet hypothetical—I tend to get ahead of myself with details like this) pregnancy. If I had it my way I would hide it from the world for nine months, then just show up with the baby once everything (hopefully) turned out OK.

So I'd love any stories or ideas from those who have been there, or hope to be there one day. Thank you!

Holding Pattern (ttc, or lack thereof)

Well, we've decided to postpone things a bit.... I'm bummed about the delay, but I know it's for the best. I realized that, under ideal circumstances, this month would put us at 20 weeks right around Christmas. Christmas was awful last year as we had just lost the twins, and it derailed everyone's travel/visiting plans for the holiday. My fear of a repeat occurrence would add a lot of extra stress that I simply don't need.

I think the delay will help separate the pregnancies in my mind, and hopefully take away some tiny part of stress. And anything I can do to be less stressed, I will do! I promised myself that we would not move forward unless we both felt 100%, and with this time frame out of the picture I think I'll feel much better.

Some days I feel fine. Other days I feel terrified. Some days I am trusting and sure, other days my heart is in my throat and I think I must be crazy to walk this path again. I realize that the path to good things is not always easy. The best things take work. To have children, you must get pregnant (or adopt, but that’s another discussion). For me to have the baby in my arms that I so long for, I must walk this scary road.

I believe that God is with me. I believe that He desires for us to try again, and to fully trust Him on this journey. I know that if I just fix my eyes on Him, it will be OK. I don’t mean I know things will turn out the way I want them, because, unfortunately, I can’t know that. But I know that focusing on Him gives me peace, and more strength than I have on my own. I know that He brought me through circumstances worse than my mind could have possibly dreamed up, and He will bring me through whatever happens next time.

Usually the times that I feel most anxious and lost are the times when I sit and think, and try to work things out in my head. I play different scenarios over and over, each with different outcomes and strategies to handle the cards we are dealt. I play “Choose Your Own Adventure” with my life, as if in the end I will have any say in things, anyway. I waste my time worrying... it’s a waste because it WILL NOT CHANGE A THING. My worrying is not productive.

And so I have to remind myself to STOP, and fix my eyes on Jesus. It is a constant struggle, with all the distractions and worries and thoughts around me. Taunting me to focus on them instead. Tempting me to try and talk myself through this, to rely on my knowledge and strength. And so I tear my eyes away from those concerns, and look only at Him. Only Him.

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." - Luke 10:41-42

Waiting Game (ttc)

I received the results of my labs today, and everything is normal!! This isn’t a huge surprise since they were simply re-running labs from when I was in the hospital, but it’s a nice assurance. Full speed ahead to Baby #3! Yipes!

I am really so excited to move forward, but I’ve felt really odd the past few days. I feel like I’m in limbo...moving forward, yet being pulled back at the same time. Part of it is the timing—today is 2 days from when I found out I was pregnant last year. So I’m feeling a definite sense of déjà vu. Part of it is the feeling of moving forward, yet not being “finished” with the last pregnancy. The pregnancy ended, of course, but not in the way I expected, so it feels unfinished. I don’t expect to feel totally resolved in my grief for a long time, and I’m not waiting on ttc for that. Emotionally, I am in a good place to move ahead, but I still grieve and miss Asher & Evan deeply.

I just did some pregnancy math, since today is CD1… if I got pregnant this month, I would be due May 13th. And—my heart skipped a beat—the baby would reach viability on my birthday, January 20th. Oh how I hope and pray that we make it that far.

It’s a very slow afternoon at work, so I have a lot of time to think. I am so anxious to get started and get pregnant, but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. I guess that’s how it’s going to be. A waiting game from here until (hopefully) we have a healthy baby in our arms.

MFM appointment update (ttc)

Well, the appointment with the MFM went well! It went as well as it possibly could have. I’m so thankful for that. A part of me wants to be able to point to something and say “It was because of that. If I fix that, next time will be fine.” But so far it looks like that’s not going to happen, so I need to learn to accept that I absolutely cannot control the outcome of my next pregnancy. There is nothing I can do that will guarantee a positive outcome. (On the flip side, that also means there’s not much I could do to completely doom a pregnancy either….)

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be learning to let go. Let go of control. Control that, actually, I have never had in the first place.

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be acknowledging and accepting my lack of control. There, that sounds right.

Anyways, here are the details and highlights:

• I had the same nurse that I’ve had at all my visits to this particular office. I never visited this location until after we lost the boys, so in some ways it wasn’t as hard to go back, compared to my regular OB.
• I had a new doctor! This is saying something, because there are 15 doctors in this practice and I’ve seen most of them. I collect perinatal doctors like playing cards.
• Dr. LS was a fast talker, but very understanding and informative, with a good sense of humor. He even copied things out of medical books for me. I appreciate doctors that will explain things in layman's terms, but also aren’t afraid to give you all the information.
• Dr. LS’s best quote of the day: “If anyone tells you to relax, you can smack them.” Thank you (and I may take you up on that if needed)!!
• They are redoing some of my blood work to check for any changes—specifically, looking for any clotting disorders or autoimmune things.
• Dr. LS instructed me to take baby aspirin, starting when we begin TTC.
• My blood pressure was a bit high when I first arrived, but by the end of the visit it had gone down to normal. That was a relief! I seem to have developed a case of "white coat hypertension." :-)
• Another quote: “If things stay normal, we’ll treat you like you’re normal.” (What I wouldn’t give to have a pregnancy be considered “normal.”)
• Also, Dr. LS said that in early, severe cases like mine, if the woman gets past the time when pre-e appeared last time, many times pre-e will not occur again.

That’s about it! We are very, very thankful for a (nearly) green light from the docs, pending blood work. We are thankful for their optimism, wisdom, and the chance to try this again. I have some hurdles to face, and I anticipate a future pregnancy being very stressful and difficult. But I know that there are so many women who are facing, and have overcome, obstacles much greater than mine. Those women will be a source of strength and inspiration in the months to come.

FYI on TTC

Another blogger recently added "(ttc)" to her posts about trying to get pregnant again, out of respect to women who may not want to read about those topics. I think it's a good idea, so I will do the same. If you see (ttc) in a post title, that means it contains info about pregnancy/future stuff.

Note: we are not yet actively TTC, but an upcoming post talks a lot about plans for it. I don't want to upset or surprise anyone who doesn't like to read about that.

I totally understand if you choose not to follow my blog, or that part of our journey, or even if you just have a day where you can't handle it (as I still often do). No judgment here!