Friday Again

The end of summer is going by so quickly! Actually, the whole summer, even this whole year, is going by so fast.... So many days early in the year were filled with nothingness, simply trying to survive. So many days are a complete blur in my mind. And yet, this year, despite being the most painful of my life, has also held a lot of good (to my surprise).

There is much beauty in the contrast.

I am really looking forward to this weekend! My sister will be in town, and we've got plans for the fair (I am a HUGE fair nerd, and so is she) among other things. I feel actually excited, like I'm looking forward to something. I honestly did not feel that way about anything until our vacation. Now, it's slowly coming back... the feeling that life may have something to offer, after all.

A Long, Random Post on a Friday Evening

I received three comments yesterday when I posted a link to the August 19th Day of Hope site. Two of them I appreciated very much, but the first one pictured above gave me a weird reaction. It's from a close family member who is normally very thoughtful and careful about communication.

When I think of Evan and Asher, I get sad.

I'm sure she meant it in the best way possible, but it honestly put me in a funk from the time I read it. Like, "Yeah, and...?" Does she avoid thinking of Asher & Evan because they make her sad? Is she saying I shouldn't have brought this up because it's sad?

I was very confused by her comment, especially because she is someone who weighs her words so carefully. Was she trying to empathize? I still don't get it at all.

Also, it makes me so, so sad that my children make people sad. I don't need anyone to remind me that it is a sad subject. I have spent more than enough hours sobbing to be well aware. In fact, I spend a great deal of energy trying to remember of them in ways that are less sad. I also don't need anyone to remind me that my speaking of the boys makes people uncomfortable. I am keenly aware that it makes people uncomfortable, and I am constantly fighting an internal battle over how often to mention them and what to say. I already weigh every word for fear of causing awkwardness. I hate that I have to worry about that, and I don't feel like I should have to. And so, this comment irritated me. Hmmph.

Well that's my vent for tonight.

:::

This evening has been tough. I've had the whole night to myself. Any time I am alone for some time my grief tends to resurface, especially when I'm at home. The silence is deafening. A constant reminder of what is missing. The sounds and chaos of two baby boys. Sweet baby noises as they sleep. Even the crying that would certainly frustrate me at times. How I wish to hear those things.

When I feel overwhlemed by grief I often cope by going through their things, holding their blenkets and hospital bracelets. But tonight I just did not want to do it. I don't want that stuff, I want them. It's a hole that nothing can fill.

:::

Tomorrow I get to see a friend from out of town and her new baby! I'm excited to meet him, but I know it will be tough. It always is. I hope I can focus on my happiness for her, rather than the ache inside me.

August 19th: Day of Hope

8 months + 1 day

Yesterday was 8 months. 8 months since my boys entered and left this world. 8 months since they changed my life in a matter of minutes. 8 months without.

I'd been thinking of the 16th several days earlier, but yesterday I didn't consciously realize the date until after work. I felt "off" all day, really distracted, but I didn't make the connection until that evening.

Not much new to say. Not much has changed. I miss them. I wish they were here.

Holding Pattern (ttc, or lack thereof)

Well, we've decided to postpone things a bit.... I'm bummed about the delay, but I know it's for the best. I realized that, under ideal circumstances, this month would put us at 20 weeks right around Christmas. Christmas was awful last year as we had just lost the twins, and it derailed everyone's travel/visiting plans for the holiday. My fear of a repeat occurrence would add a lot of extra stress that I simply don't need.

I think the delay will help separate the pregnancies in my mind, and hopefully take away some tiny part of stress. And anything I can do to be less stressed, I will do! I promised myself that we would not move forward unless we both felt 100%, and with this time frame out of the picture I think I'll feel much better.

Some days I feel fine. Other days I feel terrified. Some days I am trusting and sure, other days my heart is in my throat and I think I must be crazy to walk this path again. I realize that the path to good things is not always easy. The best things take work. To have children, you must get pregnant (or adopt, but that’s another discussion). For me to have the baby in my arms that I so long for, I must walk this scary road.

I believe that God is with me. I believe that He desires for us to try again, and to fully trust Him on this journey. I know that if I just fix my eyes on Him, it will be OK. I don’t mean I know things will turn out the way I want them, because, unfortunately, I can’t know that. But I know that focusing on Him gives me peace, and more strength than I have on my own. I know that He brought me through circumstances worse than my mind could have possibly dreamed up, and He will bring me through whatever happens next time.

Usually the times that I feel most anxious and lost are the times when I sit and think, and try to work things out in my head. I play different scenarios over and over, each with different outcomes and strategies to handle the cards we are dealt. I play “Choose Your Own Adventure” with my life, as if in the end I will have any say in things, anyway. I waste my time worrying... it’s a waste because it WILL NOT CHANGE A THING. My worrying is not productive.

And so I have to remind myself to STOP, and fix my eyes on Jesus. It is a constant struggle, with all the distractions and worries and thoughts around me. Taunting me to focus on them instead. Tempting me to try and talk myself through this, to rely on my knowledge and strength. And so I tear my eyes away from those concerns, and look only at Him. Only Him.

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." - Luke 10:41-42

random thoughts on a Monday

I like...

...when someone refers to my boys by name.
...when someone asks how I am doing, and really means it.
...when I see someone for the first time since my loss, and they acknowledge it even thought it's been "a while".
...when a friend asks to see pictures of them.

I don't like...

...when I see someone for the first time since our loss, and they act like it never happened.
...when a friend or family member never acknowledges my loss, ever, even with a card.
...when someone refers to our loss as a miscarriage (my babies were as alive as you or I am when they were born).
...when someone looks at me with pity.

Waiting Game (ttc)

I received the results of my labs today, and everything is normal!! This isn’t a huge surprise since they were simply re-running labs from when I was in the hospital, but it’s a nice assurance. Full speed ahead to Baby #3! Yipes!

I am really so excited to move forward, but I’ve felt really odd the past few days. I feel like I’m in limbo...moving forward, yet being pulled back at the same time. Part of it is the timing—today is 2 days from when I found out I was pregnant last year. So I’m feeling a definite sense of déjà vu. Part of it is the feeling of moving forward, yet not being “finished” with the last pregnancy. The pregnancy ended, of course, but not in the way I expected, so it feels unfinished. I don’t expect to feel totally resolved in my grief for a long time, and I’m not waiting on ttc for that. Emotionally, I am in a good place to move ahead, but I still grieve and miss Asher & Evan deeply.

I just did some pregnancy math, since today is CD1… if I got pregnant this month, I would be due May 13th. And—my heart skipped a beat—the baby would reach viability on my birthday, January 20th. Oh how I hope and pray that we make it that far.

It’s a very slow afternoon at work, so I have a lot of time to think. I am so anxious to get started and get pregnant, but at the same time I have so many unanswered questions. I guess that’s how it’s going to be. A waiting game from here until (hopefully) we have a healthy baby in our arms.

Summer Vacation Part 1: Faith's Lodge

At long last, here is part 1 (of 2) of our recent vacation! Our hopes for this time were to relax, get away (that was a biggie), honor and remember our boys, and reflect on the past 7 months. Also to just have FUN and breathe. I think we got all of that and more, and we are so thankful.

The first week of our vacation included three nights at Faith's Lodge in Wisconsin. Faith's Lodge is a nonprofit retreat center for families and couples who have lost a child, or are dealing with the terminal illness of a child.

I cannot recommend Faith's Lodge enough. If you are anywhere in the Midwest (or want to come here) you must visit this unique and serene place. While there we felt both lifted up and supported, and also allowed to sink into the weight of our grief.

The lodge itself was gorgeous! 12,000 square feet, 4 floors. It includes a large commercial kitchen, eating area, wraparound porch, library, craft room, "Eagle's Nest" with beautiful views, and plenty of cozy areas to sit and read or talk.

While there we met 5 other couples who have lost babies. No two stories were alike, but for the first time we experienced a community of others who have truly "been there." J and I have both found encouragement through blogs and the online community, but it was almost surreal to meet people "in real life." It took a little time for everyone to warm up, but we left with new friends and the feeling that we'd known some of the couples for years, rather than days. Slowly, everyone shared their stories, and we connected through similar experiences, while reflecting on the uniqueness of each situation.

There is something incredibly bonding and healing about sitting with people for hours, who you hardly knew until a couple days before, and talking about grief, and pain, and the hardest things in your life, without having to qualify your statements. Everyone just seemed to "get it." I can't describe the feeling, but it was so, so welcome.

There were a few activities planned each day, but we were free to do as much or as little as we chose. We created a bird house and a mosaic stone to add to the boys' garden. We hiked the Inspiration Path. We canoed on the pond. We spent lots of time reading and reflecting.

There is a bridge at the lodge that is surrounded by small, heart-shaped stones. Each of the stones has been decorated and placed in memory of a child. It was actually pretty overwhelming—like stars in the sky, more and more stones stood out to us the longer we looked. We decorated a stone and placed it under a tree to honor Asher and Evan. It was a very meaningful tribute to them.

Faith's Lodge was so good in so many ways. It was also difficult in some ways. Some parts were both good and hard. It was a time of sharing, processing, and healing. We are so very thankful that a place like this exists, and that we had the opportunity to visit.

And now a few pictures:

Aspirin to Prevent Pre-eclampsia

Yesterday this article showed up in my Google Alert for pre-eclampsia. A recent study indicated that aspirin taken during pregnancy, starting before 16 weeks, can have a significant effect on the risk of pre-e. Taking aspirin is a common recommendation, but I'd always heard that the effectiveness was questionable. So I thought it was interesting to see a current study about this treatment. This study showed that the risk was decreased by almost 50%!

MFM appointment update (ttc)

Well, the appointment with the MFM went well! It went as well as it possibly could have. I’m so thankful for that. A part of me wants to be able to point to something and say “It was because of that. If I fix that, next time will be fine.” But so far it looks like that’s not going to happen, so I need to learn to accept that I absolutely cannot control the outcome of my next pregnancy. There is nothing I can do that will guarantee a positive outcome. (On the flip side, that also means there’s not much I could do to completely doom a pregnancy either….)

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be learning to let go. Let go of control. Control that, actually, I have never had in the first place.

The biggest challenge of any future pregnancy will be acknowledging and accepting my lack of control. There, that sounds right.

Anyways, here are the details and highlights:

• I had the same nurse that I’ve had at all my visits to this particular office. I never visited this location until after we lost the boys, so in some ways it wasn’t as hard to go back, compared to my regular OB.
• I had a new doctor! This is saying something, because there are 15 doctors in this practice and I’ve seen most of them. I collect perinatal doctors like playing cards.
• Dr. LS was a fast talker, but very understanding and informative, with a good sense of humor. He even copied things out of medical books for me. I appreciate doctors that will explain things in layman's terms, but also aren’t afraid to give you all the information.
• Dr. LS’s best quote of the day: “If anyone tells you to relax, you can smack them.” Thank you (and I may take you up on that if needed)!!
• They are redoing some of my blood work to check for any changes—specifically, looking for any clotting disorders or autoimmune things.
• Dr. LS instructed me to take baby aspirin, starting when we begin TTC.
• My blood pressure was a bit high when I first arrived, but by the end of the visit it had gone down to normal. That was a relief! I seem to have developed a case of "white coat hypertension." :-)
• Another quote: “If things stay normal, we’ll treat you like you’re normal.” (What I wouldn’t give to have a pregnancy be considered “normal.”)
• Also, Dr. LS said that in early, severe cases like mine, if the woman gets past the time when pre-e appeared last time, many times pre-e will not occur again.

That’s about it! We are very, very thankful for a (nearly) green light from the docs, pending blood work. We are thankful for their optimism, wisdom, and the chance to try this again. I have some hurdles to face, and I anticipate a future pregnancy being very stressful and difficult. But I know that there are so many women who are facing, and have overcome, obstacles much greater than mine. Those women will be a source of strength and inspiration in the months to come.

FYI on TTC

Another blogger recently added "(ttc)" to her posts about trying to get pregnant again, out of respect to women who may not want to read about those topics. I think it's a good idea, so I will do the same. If you see (ttc) in a post title, that means it contains info about pregnancy/future stuff.

Note: we are not yet actively TTC, but an upcoming post talks a lot about plans for it. I don't want to upset or surprise anyone who doesn't like to read about that.

I totally understand if you choose not to follow my blog, or that part of our journey, or even if you just have a day where you can't handle it (as I still often do). No judgment here!

Facebook Strikes Again

I have to say I've been doing really well with Facebook lately. I can handle about 85% of all the pregnancy/baby posts, pictures, etc. Most of them don't bother me anymore, unless it's a person complaining about morning sickness (several times a day), or whining about day 1 of bed rest. "Pregnancy is SO HARD!" Yes, it is.

But every once and a while, I reach my breaking point. Like today, when I friended a long-lost acquaintance only to promptly be invited to join a page she created for moms in her area. It went something like this: "Are you a beautiful mother who loves her children? Do you want to know about exciting, fun activities for moms and kids in your area?" Thank you, new "friend" for reminding me of the groups that I do not get to join. Thank you for not looking at my page for even 5 seconds, because if you did you would get the gist of what happened nearly 8 months ago, and (hopefully) think twice about what you were about to send me. Sheesh.

vent over