Pregnant? Yeah, right.

I went to talk to my boss this morning, to give him a head's up that I will be having more frequent doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. I'm sure I didn't really need to explain myself, but I felt weird not saying anything. I've had three appointments in the past two weeks, and have three more coming up in the next two weeks. Plus, we will have counseling appointments every other week for a while. It's nothing dramatic, just my ongoing eye issues, and counseling, but I have a close enough relationship with my boss that I felt comfortable telling him about those things.

When I started to explain that there would be an increase in appointments, he got this look on his face, and said, "Yes....?" in a way that I'm almost POSITIVE he thought I would say I was pregnant again.

For some reason I've been thinking about his reaction ever since that conversation. It's not really a big deal. If anyone thought I would be pregnant right now, my response would be, "Yeah, right." It's only 4 months out. For me to become pregnant right now would be very dangerous, for me and the baby.

And yet... I confess that I think about it often. Being pregnant, that is. As much as I am still grieving, and as much as I know that pregnancy would not be the best thing right now, for MANY reasons (my health, mostly, but also emotionally), it still crosses my mind every month. What if? I long for my boys, but I'm at the point in my grief where I definitely recognize that they are gone, and they are not coming back. So I long for them, but I also long for a sibling for them. I long for a baby to hold. I long to be pregnant. Even with all the fear that it will bring, even with the tragedy of my first pregnancy still fresh in my mind. I can't help but hope.

Losing the boys shattered a dream, to be sure. It shattered our dreams of having healthy twins at home right now. But it has done nothing to change my dream of having a baby. I am glad to be a mother now, but I long for the day when I can in fact be pregnant again, and (Lord willing) bring home a healthy baby. I long to put my new found role as a mother to use.