It's finally here! The vacation we've been hoping for, dreaming about, and desperately needing for many months is finally here!
We have two weeks off of work. Two weeks! I am just beside myself. I haven't had that much time away from work since college. (Well, unless you count my 6 weeks at home after the boys were born, which I certainly don't. I may have been off from work, but that was anything but a vacation.)
We have felt such a need, such a desire to get away from everything, and we feel so blessed that it is actually coming together for us. This vacation feels like a gift—from God, of course, but also from Asher & Evan. In some ways, this trip would not have happened without them. I hope that doesn't sound weird, because I don't mean it that way! But I like to think of it as a gift from them, a way to help us heal. This trip is not only from them, but because of them, and for them. It is time away to focus, relax, heal, and honor our boys. To soak them in, remember them, and cherish their memories. And also to live again, to feel joy, to live life more fully because of, and in honor of them.
bittersweet.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, July 9, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day
We celebrated Father's Day yesterday with my dad and family in the small town where they live. The town was devastated last week by a tornado, so we almost weren't able to make the trip. Thankfully my family is fine, their house is fine, and the Na.tional Gu.ard moved the borders of the disaster area just enough to allow us to reach their house.
J and I had our own little celebration yesterday morning with a card from me, and a Li.sa Leo.nard bracelet (do they call leather armbands for guys "bracelets?" I don't know.) personalized with Asher & Evan's names. I also picked out some cologne for him. I hope he felt recognized and appreciated as a father. I've always known he would be a great dad, and he's shown that to be true. He was fiercely protective of me and the boys while I was pregnant, and has shown such amazing devotion to his family. Our road to parenthood has been incredibly difficult, but he is walking it with strength and courage.
It broke my heart yesterday, though, that no one else acknowledged his fatherhood. I hadn't expected much, since only my mom and a couple close girlfriends said anything to me on Mother's Day. But I'd hoped for something. My own father was saying "Happy Father's Day!" to strangers, but didn't say anything to J.
I know that people just don't know what to say, and that everyone was thinking about it. But sometimes I get angry, and sick of giving others the benefit of the doubt. I guess I feel selfish, like other people should suck it up and do the uncomfortable thing for our sakes. I feel so defensive and protective of our status as parents, and I shouldn't have to feel that way.
As time goes on I'm sure I will feel more comfortable with our unconventional role as parents, and how to acknowledge it with others. We know we are parents, and our babies certainly know that, so that's all that matters. I am proud and thankful to be their mom, as I know J is proud to be their dad, and we'll celebrate that fact even if no one else does!
J and I had our own little celebration yesterday morning with a card from me, and a Li.sa Leo.nard bracelet (do they call leather armbands for guys "bracelets?" I don't know.) personalized with Asher & Evan's names. I also picked out some cologne for him. I hope he felt recognized and appreciated as a father. I've always known he would be a great dad, and he's shown that to be true. He was fiercely protective of me and the boys while I was pregnant, and has shown such amazing devotion to his family. Our road to parenthood has been incredibly difficult, but he is walking it with strength and courage.
It broke my heart yesterday, though, that no one else acknowledged his fatherhood. I hadn't expected much, since only my mom and a couple close girlfriends said anything to me on Mother's Day. But I'd hoped for something. My own father was saying "Happy Father's Day!" to strangers, but didn't say anything to J.
I know that people just don't know what to say, and that everyone was thinking about it. But sometimes I get angry, and sick of giving others the benefit of the doubt. I guess I feel selfish, like other people should suck it up and do the uncomfortable thing for our sakes. I feel so defensive and protective of our status as parents, and I shouldn't have to feel that way.
As time goes on I'm sure I will feel more comfortable with our unconventional role as parents, and how to acknowledge it with others. We know we are parents, and our babies certainly know that, so that's all that matters. I am proud and thankful to be their mom, as I know J is proud to be their dad, and we'll celebrate that fact even if no one else does!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Trust and Trying Again
I spent a great evening with one of my very best friends last night. What was meant to be dinner after work turned into a 4-hour-long gabfest about everything from faith to poverty to poop (seriously). It was so, so good for my heart.
My friend M and her husband are planning to start trying to get pregnant in the near future. I am so thrilled for them, and excited! I was also so happy that she gave me some advance warning. She had the discernment to know that I would be more prepared to react happily (and appropriately) if I knew it was coming.
Today is a slow-ish day for me at work (where did that come from??) and so I've found myself perusing new blogs, including babyloss blogs that I haven't seen before. And thinking. Thinking about "trying again." Trying to have more children. The idea is both exciting and terrifying with a capital T. The stories out there in blog world are not always cherry and happy and "of course the next time will be better." They are real, and hard, and blunt reminders that not everyone gets a happy ending. I find myself pulled between a desire to throw caution to the wind and Just Do It (insert Ni.ke logo here), and a desire to plan everything out, get my affairs in order, and go about things very methodically and slowly. There is no part of me that DOESN'T want to try again. My longing for children on this earth is too strong. Depiste the statistics and the possibility that I may have to endure the same horrible outcome, I can't silence this desire to be a mother to a living child.
I told J last weekend that I am ready to start talking about trying again. I am by no means ready to actually DO anything about it, but I am ready to start the process of, well, processing. I'm the type of person that has to hash everything out, so I imagine there will be many long conversations, many tough conversations. I need to be realistic here. I need to find a balance between realism and hope.
So, I told J I am ready, and I wanted him to know that, but that HE could let me know when he is ready as well. The ball is in his court. He didn't say anything that day. He hasn't said anything since. We have plenty of other issues going on right now, so I would not be surprised if it was quite some time before he is ready to talk. But it's out there.
And all the while, I know God is whispering in my ear, "Do you trust Me??" Because that's all it comes down to. That is all I can control in this whole situation. My life is not my own. All I can do is trust. I say "all," but it is a big "all." And it is so hard to do. But the more I reflect the more I realize that it is ALL I need to do, and all I can do, and it is good enough.
But I am still scared. Lord, help me to trust You more!
My friend M and her husband are planning to start trying to get pregnant in the near future. I am so thrilled for them, and excited! I was also so happy that she gave me some advance warning. She had the discernment to know that I would be more prepared to react happily (and appropriately) if I knew it was coming.
Today is a slow-ish day for me at work (where did that come from??) and so I've found myself perusing new blogs, including babyloss blogs that I haven't seen before. And thinking. Thinking about "trying again." Trying to have more children. The idea is both exciting and terrifying with a capital T. The stories out there in blog world are not always cherry and happy and "of course the next time will be better." They are real, and hard, and blunt reminders that not everyone gets a happy ending. I find myself pulled between a desire to throw caution to the wind and Just Do It (insert Ni.ke logo here), and a desire to plan everything out, get my affairs in order, and go about things very methodically and slowly. There is no part of me that DOESN'T want to try again. My longing for children on this earth is too strong. Depiste the statistics and the possibility that I may have to endure the same horrible outcome, I can't silence this desire to be a mother to a living child.
I told J last weekend that I am ready to start talking about trying again. I am by no means ready to actually DO anything about it, but I am ready to start the process of, well, processing. I'm the type of person that has to hash everything out, so I imagine there will be many long conversations, many tough conversations. I need to be realistic here. I need to find a balance between realism and hope.
So, I told J I am ready, and I wanted him to know that, but that HE could let me know when he is ready as well. The ball is in his court. He didn't say anything that day. He hasn't said anything since. We have plenty of other issues going on right now, so I would not be surprised if it was quite some time before he is ready to talk. But it's out there.
And all the while, I know God is whispering in my ear, "Do you trust Me??" Because that's all it comes down to. That is all I can control in this whole situation. My life is not my own. All I can do is trust. I say "all," but it is a big "all." And it is so hard to do. But the more I reflect the more I realize that it is ALL I need to do, and all I can do, and it is good enough.
But I am still scared. Lord, help me to trust You more!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ugh.
Last night was messy. I started a fight with my hubby, which seemed totally rational the the beginning, but got less and less reasonable as it went on. And it all came down to the fact that I was disappointed with how the evening had gone. And then that word, disappointed, kept ringing in my head. I have been so disappointed with so many things over the past few months. Or maybe just one thing, really, but it is all-consuming. And as this word resounded in my head, I could NOT. stop. crying. Of course it wasn't about J at this point, it was about my boys.
It was ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. I can barely manage my emotions, and I'm horrible at predicting them, so I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for other people to guess what I might do next.
I guess I was due for a breakdown anyway. That's how things go for me lately: I'll be fine for a few days, even a week, and eventually it all comes crashing down again. Ugh. I want to get off this ride.
ETA: Oh yeah: Sunday will be my original due date. Based on how the week has gone so far, I think I'm in for a rough ride.
It was ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. I can barely manage my emotions, and I'm horrible at predicting them, so I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for other people to guess what I might do next.
I guess I was due for a breakdown anyway. That's how things go for me lately: I'll be fine for a few days, even a week, and eventually it all comes crashing down again. Ugh. I want to get off this ride.
ETA: Oh yeah: Sunday will be my original due date. Based on how the week has gone so far, I think I'm in for a rough ride.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I've wanted to post several times this week, but work has been so ridiculously busy! I haven't had much energy for anything else.
On my heart today is a girl named Kerry. She is in the hospital with Pre-e/HELLP, and is being induced tomorrow. Her baby girl will most likely not survive. My heart just breaks for her. I remember the day we had to decide to induce delivery. It was one of the worst days of my life. I would never wish this excruciating journey on anyone. Kerry and her family are heavy on my heart, and in my prayers today. It's amazing how many people out there have been affected by this horrible disease that I'd barely heard of, before it happened to me. It seems so unfair.
This past week has been pretty good overall. We had our first appointment with a grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. The counselor seemed very kind and compassionate, and I think we'll be a good fit. She told us that it seems like we are doing really well, considering. There's something comforting about having a professional say that, especially when I feel like a psycho half the time! For our next session, J and I are supposed to think of things in our relationship that have been frustrating (related to our grief), and topics for discussion. Basically, how the counselor can help us.
Last weekend we went to the Minnea.polis Insti.tute of Arts. We hadn't gone to a museum together in quite a while. It was fine, but I was in kind of a funk that day. I find it difficult to enjoy doing things as much as I used to. We were in the contemporary section when a mother and her little boy came in. The mom was asking the boy all kinds of questions about the art, and really engaging him in the visit. It was exactly what I've always imagined J and I doing with our kids. My heart broke all over again, and I totally lost in in the middle of the museum. Our boys are supposed to be here. We should be looking forward to their first museum trip. It made me feel so lonely.
Of course after that, all I could see were the little boys everywhere in the museum. I swear it was "Bring Your Adorable Son to the Museum" Day. Every time we'd turn a corner I'd think "Are you KIDDING me!?!" because there would be another cute little boy with his parents. We left soon after.
Those are the kind of things that make me feel psycho. I cannot predict when I'm going to be hit especially hard by something. Grief feels like a mental illness in that way. My reactions and emotions can be so unpredictable, and leave me feeling completely vulnerable. That may be part of the reason I don't enjoy going out and doing things quite as much—I always have to be on my guard for potential emotional minefields. I don't know what will set me off. At any moment I will step on a soft spot, and BAM! burst into tears. A lot of times I don't have the energy for it, so I'd rather stay home.
Luckily, J is not letting me stay home. And I have no intentions of becoming a hermit, really, so we keep trying. I feel bad that he has to deal with my explosions. They must feel even more unpredictable to him.
Anyways. The weather is amazing lately, which helps my mood. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm hoping to take some time to sit and meditate on the amazing gift of Jesus, and His death on the cross. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it yet this season. But it is all that I have, and all that keeps me going. I'm so glad for the hope I have in Him, even when I don't focus on it as much as I should. I hope tomorrow isn't hard... it will be the first extended family gathering since the boys were born. It should have been their first family holiday, or I should have missed it because I was about to pop. It's hard to say when they would have arrived, but I sure wish they were here now.
On my heart today is a girl named Kerry. She is in the hospital with Pre-e/HELLP, and is being induced tomorrow. Her baby girl will most likely not survive. My heart just breaks for her. I remember the day we had to decide to induce delivery. It was one of the worst days of my life. I would never wish this excruciating journey on anyone. Kerry and her family are heavy on my heart, and in my prayers today. It's amazing how many people out there have been affected by this horrible disease that I'd barely heard of, before it happened to me. It seems so unfair.
This past week has been pretty good overall. We had our first appointment with a grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. The counselor seemed very kind and compassionate, and I think we'll be a good fit. She told us that it seems like we are doing really well, considering. There's something comforting about having a professional say that, especially when I feel like a psycho half the time! For our next session, J and I are supposed to think of things in our relationship that have been frustrating (related to our grief), and topics for discussion. Basically, how the counselor can help us.
Last weekend we went to the Minnea.polis Insti.tute of Arts. We hadn't gone to a museum together in quite a while. It was fine, but I was in kind of a funk that day. I find it difficult to enjoy doing things as much as I used to. We were in the contemporary section when a mother and her little boy came in. The mom was asking the boy all kinds of questions about the art, and really engaging him in the visit. It was exactly what I've always imagined J and I doing with our kids. My heart broke all over again, and I totally lost in in the middle of the museum. Our boys are supposed to be here. We should be looking forward to their first museum trip. It made me feel so lonely.
Of course after that, all I could see were the little boys everywhere in the museum. I swear it was "Bring Your Adorable Son to the Museum" Day. Every time we'd turn a corner I'd think "Are you KIDDING me!?!" because there would be another cute little boy with his parents. We left soon after.
Those are the kind of things that make me feel psycho. I cannot predict when I'm going to be hit especially hard by something. Grief feels like a mental illness in that way. My reactions and emotions can be so unpredictable, and leave me feeling completely vulnerable. That may be part of the reason I don't enjoy going out and doing things quite as much—I always have to be on my guard for potential emotional minefields. I don't know what will set me off. At any moment I will step on a soft spot, and BAM! burst into tears. A lot of times I don't have the energy for it, so I'd rather stay home.
Luckily, J is not letting me stay home. And I have no intentions of becoming a hermit, really, so we keep trying. I feel bad that he has to deal with my explosions. They must feel even more unpredictable to him.
Anyways. The weather is amazing lately, which helps my mood. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm hoping to take some time to sit and meditate on the amazing gift of Jesus, and His death on the cross. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it yet this season. But it is all that I have, and all that keeps me going. I'm so glad for the hope I have in Him, even when I don't focus on it as much as I should. I hope tomorrow isn't hard... it will be the first extended family gathering since the boys were born. It should have been their first family holiday, or I should have missed it because I was about to pop. It's hard to say when they would have arrived, but I sure wish they were here now.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wishin', and Hopin', Plannin' and Dreamin''
Do I dare even "say" this aloud....?
WE ARE GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!!!!
(!!!!!!!)
I am so excited I could scream! We've been thinking about our summer trip for quite a while, and Costa Rica has been in my head as a possible spot to go, after our week at Faith's Lodge. But, we had to wait and see how some things would shake out financially, before we could really determine what kind of vacation we can afford. Well, thanks to a very nice tax refund, we can totally afford to travel to Costa Rica!!!!!!
The idea of going back there practically makes me cry, I love it so much! I've wanted to return ever since I studied there during college. And going back with J so that we can experience it together... it's too awesome to even think about!
I have to admit, as off-the-wall excited as I feel, I am also hesitant to get that excited, because, well... our plans haven't exactly panned out lately (obviously). This may be something to cover in our upcoming counseling sessions. I often feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me. How could I possibly plan for anything, or hope for anything, when the harsh reality that things CAN and DO go wrong has smacked me right in the face? I've always been a worrier, but now I sometimes go around half expecting to trip and fall at any moment. I think that I'm going to die in my sleep. I worry that Jason won't make it home from work. Bad things have happened to me, and I find it challenging to hope and look forward to the good, because my experience has jaded me. It has been a major shock to my system.
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16:2-4
Then there's this verse. I would certainly like to think that we committed every aspect of our pregnancy to God... but our plans didn't succeed. So what does that mean? Maybe we didn't fully commit our plans to Him? OR is this a case where His will/plan overrides this verse? I don't know what to think anymore. I am having a lot of trouble with this verse today.
Well, enough of this rambly post. The good news is, a trip to Costa Rica is (Lord willing) in our future! Yay!
WE ARE GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!!!!
(!!!!!!!)
I am so excited I could scream! We've been thinking about our summer trip for quite a while, and Costa Rica has been in my head as a possible spot to go, after our week at Faith's Lodge. But, we had to wait and see how some things would shake out financially, before we could really determine what kind of vacation we can afford. Well, thanks to a very nice tax refund, we can totally afford to travel to Costa Rica!!!!!!
The idea of going back there practically makes me cry, I love it so much! I've wanted to return ever since I studied there during college. And going back with J so that we can experience it together... it's too awesome to even think about!
I have to admit, as off-the-wall excited as I feel, I am also hesitant to get that excited, because, well... our plans haven't exactly panned out lately (obviously). This may be something to cover in our upcoming counseling sessions. I often feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me. How could I possibly plan for anything, or hope for anything, when the harsh reality that things CAN and DO go wrong has smacked me right in the face? I've always been a worrier, but now I sometimes go around half expecting to trip and fall at any moment. I think that I'm going to die in my sleep. I worry that Jason won't make it home from work. Bad things have happened to me, and I find it challenging to hope and look forward to the good, because my experience has jaded me. It has been a major shock to my system.
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16:2-4
Then there's this verse. I would certainly like to think that we committed every aspect of our pregnancy to God... but our plans didn't succeed. So what does that mean? Maybe we didn't fully commit our plans to Him? OR is this a case where His will/plan overrides this verse? I don't know what to think anymore. I am having a lot of trouble with this verse today.
Well, enough of this rambly post. The good news is, a trip to Costa Rica is (Lord willing) in our future! Yay!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Monday, Monday
I've got a case of the Mondays today. My morning got off to a less-than-great start when a friend emailed to announce her pregnancy, then spent two paragraphs complaining about morning sickness/fatigue. Now, I know m/s sucks. BUT. I am not exactly in a place where I want/care to hear about it right now, thankyouverymuch. I'm sure she just didn't think before sending her email, and she's normally a very sensitive person, but the jerk side of me wants to respond with, "Yeah, it must suck to be so nauseous. I remember when I was in the hospital on bed rest, and I barfed right in front of my husband so hard that I peed the bed at the same time. And THEN my babies died. It was rough."
But I will keep that to myself. And try not to be a jerk (which is another topic for another day).
Today, in an effort to feel a bit better, I will write about Weight Watchers! Yes, J and I started WW two weeks ago! I am so proud of us for starting to change our eating habits and take care of ourselves. So far it's gone pretty well, and it works out GREAT that we are on the same "plan."
Our first week was a bit disappointing, because I actually gained a pound, and J stayed the same. But yesterday's weigh-in was much better. We each lost 4 pounds last week, and I lost an inch off my hips and waist! I am so excited. I've never tried to lose weight before, so it's exciting to know that I can actually do it. I'm sure every week won't be as successful, but this is a good start. My goal is to lose 20 pounds. (I can't even believe I have that much to lose, but such is the price of a twin pregnancy.)
I'm sure I'll update as we progress with our WW plan. It feels so good to be treating myself well, and eating more nutritious foods. I hope it makes me healthier in the long run, for myself and for future pregnancies.
But I will keep that to myself. And try not to be a jerk (which is another topic for another day).
Today, in an effort to feel a bit better, I will write about Weight Watchers! Yes, J and I started WW two weeks ago! I am so proud of us for starting to change our eating habits and take care of ourselves. So far it's gone pretty well, and it works out GREAT that we are on the same "plan."
Our first week was a bit disappointing, because I actually gained a pound, and J stayed the same. But yesterday's weigh-in was much better. We each lost 4 pounds last week, and I lost an inch off my hips and waist! I am so excited. I've never tried to lose weight before, so it's exciting to know that I can actually do it. I'm sure every week won't be as successful, but this is a good start. My goal is to lose 20 pounds. (I can't even believe I have that much to lose, but such is the price of a twin pregnancy.)
I'm sure I'll update as we progress with our WW plan. It feels so good to be treating myself well, and eating more nutritious foods. I hope it makes me healthier in the long run, for myself and for future pregnancies.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Good Day Sunshine
Today has been a really good day. It's a nice contrast to most weekends, when grief seems to hit harder than during the week. I feel good today—kind of a foreign feeling, but I'll take it.
J and I have spent the whole day together. This morning he worked on freelance while I started a Cuban stew in the crock pot. In the afternoon we went for a nice long walk. Then we did some errands, including finding a thrift store book for me to use for collages. I've had lots of ideas floating around in my head, so I'm glad that some of them can now be realized. We also bought a steam mop (thrill!) which promises to revolutionize the way we clean our floors.
This afternoon we also had a nice rendezvous, which was unexpected and GREAT, and in addition to time spent together last night. That alone would make me one happy girl. :-)
The stew turned out well, and we've just been hanging around the house tonight. J doesn't have to get up early tomorrow, so things feel nice and relaxed. I made my first collage, after the song "Stop and Stare." It feels good to 1) do something creative and 2) express my feelings in a different/artistic way.
That's about it! It may be two steps forward, one step back, but I am so thankful for those tiny steps forward. God is good.
J and I have spent the whole day together. This morning he worked on freelance while I started a Cuban stew in the crock pot. In the afternoon we went for a nice long walk. Then we did some errands, including finding a thrift store book for me to use for collages. I've had lots of ideas floating around in my head, so I'm glad that some of them can now be realized. We also bought a steam mop (thrill!) which promises to revolutionize the way we clean our floors.
This afternoon we also had a nice rendezvous, which was unexpected and GREAT, and in addition to time spent together last night. That alone would make me one happy girl. :-)
The stew turned out well, and we've just been hanging around the house tonight. J doesn't have to get up early tomorrow, so things feel nice and relaxed. I made my first collage, after the song "Stop and Stare." It feels good to 1) do something creative and 2) express my feelings in a different/artistic way.
That's about it! It may be two steps forward, one step back, but I am so thankful for those tiny steps forward. God is good.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Weekend Recap
Well, the weekend in Newtown went really well! It was so good to see J's family, especially Natalie. We showed her the pictures of Asher and Evan. I cried, of course, but I was so happy to show them, and happy to see my boys again. It's funny, I have that reaction very time I share those photos. It is always difficult, but I love and appreciate any opportunity to show them to others.
Church went OK, too. A couple of comments made me tear up, but other than that people mostly just asked about the weather. We only went to the service, not Sunday school, so that helped, too. Oh, and the baby shower was out of town, and the girl was, too! I was soooo thankful not to have a very pregnant lady sitting behind me during church.
I am so glad the "first time back" is behind us, and I don't have to be anxious about it anymore. And I am so thankful that it went well. God was faithful, and protected me all weekend.
J and I had some good conversations in the car over the weekend, too. We've decided to finally, officially, get our graphic design business going! J even thought of a name: Creatively Paired. We talked about our goals with this business, and it was nice to talk about the future in a hopeful way. The major goal right now, after the obvious goal of making some extra income, is for me to be able to stay home with our kids. This was the first time since the boys were born that we've spoken about kids in a hopeful, positive way. After the boys died, all of our "whens" turned to "ifs." It's nice to be able to even mention the possibility of children, even in a very hypothetical, vague way. I hope that soon we will be able to look forward even more.
I felt better just being out of the house, out of town this weekend. Today, it was back to the real world. Getting back home and back to the office, My pain weighs me down and suffocates me. Any escape, even to Newtown, feels like a chance to breathe.
Church went OK, too. A couple of comments made me tear up, but other than that people mostly just asked about the weather. We only went to the service, not Sunday school, so that helped, too. Oh, and the baby shower was out of town, and the girl was, too! I was soooo thankful not to have a very pregnant lady sitting behind me during church.
I am so glad the "first time back" is behind us, and I don't have to be anxious about it anymore. And I am so thankful that it went well. God was faithful, and protected me all weekend.
J and I had some good conversations in the car over the weekend, too. We've decided to finally, officially, get our graphic design business going! J even thought of a name: Creatively Paired. We talked about our goals with this business, and it was nice to talk about the future in a hopeful way. The major goal right now, after the obvious goal of making some extra income, is for me to be able to stay home with our kids. This was the first time since the boys were born that we've spoken about kids in a hopeful, positive way. After the boys died, all of our "whens" turned to "ifs." It's nice to be able to even mention the possibility of children, even in a very hypothetical, vague way. I hope that soon we will be able to look forward even more.
I felt better just being out of the house, out of town this weekend. Today, it was back to the real world. Getting back home and back to the office, My pain weighs me down and suffocates me. Any escape, even to Newtown, feels like a chance to breathe.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Random Thoughts on a Thursday
Some updates...
- This has been a week of lots of "good talks" with J. Tuesday we spoke over lunch while I was having such a hard time. He said that he's been having dreams about the boys lately. In one, it was the end of the world, and some people were being saved from disaster, while others were not. He saw our boys in someone's arms and knew that they were "safe." I am desperately trying to find what little good can come from what has happened, and I think one thing is that we are more honest with each other. We talk more, share more. We are closer than we were before, and I hope that our marriage will be better for it.
- We are going to do Weight Watchers together! Crazy, huh? I've never really tried to lose weight before, and certainly not this much (15-18 pounds). But I think it will be so good for us. The thing that attracted me to WW is that it's more about learning how to eat, rather than dieting. I want to make lasting changes to my eating habits. We start on Sunday, and I'm really excited for it! I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about how things progress.
- Work has been crazy! Not a whole lot else to say, but I have been doing much more "managing" than I realized I would be upon my return to work. I really enjoy it, but it's very challenging!
- Speaking of work, I really hope J decides to look for another job soon. His job is so rough on him, and I want him to be happy, and doing something he enjoys. It's been 3 years, and the situation has not improved. The job market really stinks right now, so who knows if he'd find something anytime soon. But I'm hoping that he will at least feel compelled to begin a search in the near future.
- Also related to J, I am praying often for him to find success. In another of our chats recently he expressed that he hasn't felt BIG success in quite a while. That can be so wearing for anyone, probably more so for a man. He's had little things here and there, but he really needs (and deserves!) a big win in his life. Maybe our WW adventure can be a big win for him??
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
We just got home from and absolutely FANTASTIC Valentine's Day/Getaway weekend in Minneapolis. Fantastic. It was so good, and so good for my heart. I have felt more happy this weekend than I have since we lost the boys.
We started out on Friday with a 60-minute couples' massage... can I tell you how much I needed a massage? Wow. It was so relaxing, and made me feel good to know that J was being pampered and relaxing at the same time. Then we checked into our hotel and relaxed until dinner. Dinner was at Zelo on the Nicollet Mall. I had an amazing whole grain risotto, with asparagus and peppers and goat cheese. Mmm..... We shared a blueberry cobbler with lemon sorbet for dessert. SO GOOD.
On Saturday we slept in, then went the the Guthrie for a play at 1. We saw "Brief Encounter," a romantic comedy/drama/musical, put on by a touring company from London. We had selected this play on a whim (and because it was the only thing worth seeing all weekend), and it turned out to be really impressive! It employed video and other multimedia effects to make the play much more conceptual and interesting than a simple read-through. The acting was great, the story was compelling, and it was all-around very entertaining. It was one of those plays that you talk about for a while afterwards. I like that.
Saturday afternoon after the play was wonderful, just hanging around the hotel, relaxing, etc. Then we had dinner at the Nicollet Island Inn. I was a little worried when we arrived, because it was really busy, and they were only serving their Valentine's menu, which included ahi tuna (ick) and mushroom bisque (gag). BUT, it was really an amazing meal! I never should have doubted the Inn. I even tried and enjoyed the mushroom bisque! The entrees were salmon and tenderloin, dessert was various choclate petit fours. The menu went together so well... every flavor in each course seemed to bring out flavors in the other foods. I couldn't get over how well-conceived the whole meal was. Of course, that's what they pay the chef to do. :-) Over dinner we talked about past Valentine's Days, and our past... including when I liked J sooo much and he had no idea. Dinner was very romantic and sweet, and it was fun to reminisce together.
Today has been completely wonderful from the time I woke up this morning! J has been so sweet and romantic. We had brunch at Hell's Kitchen, which was really yummy... their potatoes are insanely good! There was some live music, and the atmosphere was very entertaining overall. :-)
And now we are back home, and my heart feels so full. More than it has in a while. This weekend has reminded me of God's love for me, and His faithfulness. My marriage to J is one of the biggest examples of that, and one of the best gifts God has given me. J gave me a card that made me cry. It said something about for better or worse, and sticking together in the hard times. I feel very blessed. And I feel like God had been saying all weekend, "Remember how great your life is? Remember how much you love this man? All is not lost, because I love you, and I will not leave you." God is good. I know that is true. What a wonderful weekend.
Tonight we are going over to meet baby Toby. I hope that my high from the weekend can sustain me enough to be happy for the entire visit. I am really, truly, excited to meet him. I hope that my joy for them can come through, instead of my sadness for our loss. But I'm feeling really great right now, so fingers crossed that it lasts!
We started out on Friday with a 60-minute couples' massage... can I tell you how much I needed a massage? Wow. It was so relaxing, and made me feel good to know that J was being pampered and relaxing at the same time. Then we checked into our hotel and relaxed until dinner. Dinner was at Zelo on the Nicollet Mall. I had an amazing whole grain risotto, with asparagus and peppers and goat cheese. Mmm..... We shared a blueberry cobbler with lemon sorbet for dessert. SO GOOD.
On Saturday we slept in, then went the the Guthrie for a play at 1. We saw "Brief Encounter," a romantic comedy/drama/musical, put on by a touring company from London. We had selected this play on a whim (and because it was the only thing worth seeing all weekend), and it turned out to be really impressive! It employed video and other multimedia effects to make the play much more conceptual and interesting than a simple read-through. The acting was great, the story was compelling, and it was all-around very entertaining. It was one of those plays that you talk about for a while afterwards. I like that.
Saturday afternoon after the play was wonderful, just hanging around the hotel, relaxing, etc. Then we had dinner at the Nicollet Island Inn. I was a little worried when we arrived, because it was really busy, and they were only serving their Valentine's menu, which included ahi tuna (ick) and mushroom bisque (gag). BUT, it was really an amazing meal! I never should have doubted the Inn. I even tried and enjoyed the mushroom bisque! The entrees were salmon and tenderloin, dessert was various choclate petit fours. The menu went together so well... every flavor in each course seemed to bring out flavors in the other foods. I couldn't get over how well-conceived the whole meal was. Of course, that's what they pay the chef to do. :-) Over dinner we talked about past Valentine's Days, and our past... including when I liked J sooo much and he had no idea. Dinner was very romantic and sweet, and it was fun to reminisce together.
Today has been completely wonderful from the time I woke up this morning! J has been so sweet and romantic. We had brunch at Hell's Kitchen, which was really yummy... their potatoes are insanely good! There was some live music, and the atmosphere was very entertaining overall. :-)
And now we are back home, and my heart feels so full. More than it has in a while. This weekend has reminded me of God's love for me, and His faithfulness. My marriage to J is one of the biggest examples of that, and one of the best gifts God has given me. J gave me a card that made me cry. It said something about for better or worse, and sticking together in the hard times. I feel very blessed. And I feel like God had been saying all weekend, "Remember how great your life is? Remember how much you love this man? All is not lost, because I love you, and I will not leave you." God is good. I know that is true. What a wonderful weekend.
Tonight we are going over to meet baby Toby. I hope that my high from the weekend can sustain me enough to be happy for the entire visit. I am really, truly, excited to meet him. I hope that my joy for them can come through, instead of my sadness for our loss. But I'm feeling really great right now, so fingers crossed that it lasts!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thankful Thursday
What a difference a good night's sleep can make! I felt so wonderfully rested when I woke up this morning, better than I have felt in days. I don't think I woke up a single time last night...ahhhhh. I am thankful for that.
J and I had a good talk last night. First, about seeing a grief counselor. I think it would be good for us. We are both dealing with so much, I can see it becoming too wearing for us to try and constantly hold each other up. J does a great job of being there for me on tough days, and I hope he can say the same about me... but what about days when we both feel like crap? I hope that it will help ease our burden, and help us process everything. Amazingly, this morning I found a Christian counselor in Apple Valley who specializes in infant/pregnancy loss. That seems like a a rare combination, so I hope she works out for us! I am thankful that God is taking care of us by directing us to a Christian counseling group that is so close to home.
We also talked about birth control. Long story short, I am not comfortable staying on the mini-pill. Since starting it I've done some research, and learned that it may prevent implantation as a contraceptive action. I don't know exactly what I think about when life begins (fertilization vs. implantation), BUT I do know that I have felt very uneasy about taking this pill. I think God is convicting me that we need to try something else, so as soon as I finish this pack we'll be trying out the sponge, in addition to condoms.
From this conversation I learned that J feels the need to use a condom right now, regardless of what else we are using. Mentally, it gives him reassurance that we won't be getting pregnant any time soon. This is a good thing for me to know. More news about birth control as it develops, I'm sure....
Also about this pill: I hate it! I have had my period twice in the past month, and had some random bleeding today. I am praying that I don't have any bleeding this weekend! We have such a great weekend in Minneapolis planned, and I'm hoping for some quality time. :-)
(I've been thinking for a while about creating Thankful Thursdays on my blog. I know that not every Thursday will be a good day, but the hope is that I can find at least one thing to be grateful for each week. Today worked out well for that, coincidentally. And I am thankful for that, too.)
J and I had a good talk last night. First, about seeing a grief counselor. I think it would be good for us. We are both dealing with so much, I can see it becoming too wearing for us to try and constantly hold each other up. J does a great job of being there for me on tough days, and I hope he can say the same about me... but what about days when we both feel like crap? I hope that it will help ease our burden, and help us process everything. Amazingly, this morning I found a Christian counselor in Apple Valley who specializes in infant/pregnancy loss. That seems like a a rare combination, so I hope she works out for us! I am thankful that God is taking care of us by directing us to a Christian counseling group that is so close to home.
We also talked about birth control. Long story short, I am not comfortable staying on the mini-pill. Since starting it I've done some research, and learned that it may prevent implantation as a contraceptive action. I don't know exactly what I think about when life begins (fertilization vs. implantation), BUT I do know that I have felt very uneasy about taking this pill. I think God is convicting me that we need to try something else, so as soon as I finish this pack we'll be trying out the sponge, in addition to condoms.
From this conversation I learned that J feels the need to use a condom right now, regardless of what else we are using. Mentally, it gives him reassurance that we won't be getting pregnant any time soon. This is a good thing for me to know. More news about birth control as it develops, I'm sure....
Also about this pill: I hate it! I have had my period twice in the past month, and had some random bleeding today. I am praying that I don't have any bleeding this weekend! We have such a great weekend in Minneapolis planned, and I'm hoping for some quality time. :-)
(I've been thinking for a while about creating Thankful Thursdays on my blog. I know that not every Thursday will be a good day, but the hope is that I can find at least one thing to be grateful for each week. Today worked out well for that, coincidentally. And I am thankful for that, too.)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Wanna go ride bikes?
I'm having a lot of trouble focusing so far this week. More than last week. Maybe because last week there was so much to do, and it kept me busy? I could certainly be busy right now if I wanted to be, but for some reason I cannot make myself do anything productive. I feel very unfocused. Even if I decide to do something productive, five minutes later I'm doing something else. Hmmm.....
It has snowed a TON over the last two days. It's fun to have nice, new snow, but my car could not make it up the hill this morning. I got about halfway up once or twice, but always got stuck at the steep part and had to turn around. A lady in a Lexus was doing the same thing, and a big garbage truck was stuck at the bottom, too. So I didn't feel quite so dumb. But I had to call a coworker for a ride in to the office.... sigh. Can't I get a break?
Oh yeah, and last night J and I had a fight about... sledding. Yes, sledding. It was one of those "I realize this is not a big deal, and that it's ridiculous that we are arguing right now, but I can't stop" kind of fights. Lovely. Just what we need right now. Honestly it has been getting more difficult to be extra-nice to him and give him grace lately, as we get further away from the "panic mode" we'd been living in for so long. The combo of grief, winter, my stupid birth control pills that might as well be called "J-can't-do-anything-right pills"... we both have a lot on our minds lately. I don't want our relationship to suffer on top of everything, but I realize that is a very real danger. Luckily we have a super-awesome Valentine's Day weekend planned, so hopefully that will get us both in better spirits.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I guess it's a good example of how unfocused I am today. I hope it gets better.
It has snowed a TON over the last two days. It's fun to have nice, new snow, but my car could not make it up the hill this morning. I got about halfway up once or twice, but always got stuck at the steep part and had to turn around. A lady in a Lexus was doing the same thing, and a big garbage truck was stuck at the bottom, too. So I didn't feel quite so dumb. But I had to call a coworker for a ride in to the office.... sigh. Can't I get a break?
Oh yeah, and last night J and I had a fight about... sledding. Yes, sledding. It was one of those "I realize this is not a big deal, and that it's ridiculous that we are arguing right now, but I can't stop" kind of fights. Lovely. Just what we need right now. Honestly it has been getting more difficult to be extra-nice to him and give him grace lately, as we get further away from the "panic mode" we'd been living in for so long. The combo of grief, winter, my stupid birth control pills that might as well be called "J-can't-do-anything-right pills"... we both have a lot on our minds lately. I don't want our relationship to suffer on top of everything, but I realize that is a very real danger. Luckily we have a super-awesome Valentine's Day weekend planned, so hopefully that will get us both in better spirits.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I guess it's a good example of how unfocused I am today. I hope it gets better.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Where do we go from here?
There have been a lot of questions floating around our house lately. Lots of soul searching, wondering, dreaming.... It feels like we are kind of directionless right now, and overall pretty dissatisfied with how things are. We thought that our "next step" was to become parents. Well, we became parents, but not in the way we planned. Now that we won't have two new babies at home in April like we thought, (and we can't try again for at least 6 months) we are adrift. Unfocused.
We had a good talk today about some of this, and hopefully will be working to set some real goals in the near future. Honestly, goal-setting has not been our forté in previous years, and I think it's led to some mistakes, and overall lack of direction. Maybe this "in-between time," as I keep calling it, is our wake-up call and opportunity to get it together.
Specifically, the GIANT questions that follow me around are:
What the heck am I/are we supposed to do NOW?
What should we be working toward? How can this time be POSITIVE and worth something, instead of simply treading water?
I really, really want to make something of the next 6 months–year. I don't want to simply live through it, get to the end and say, "well, that was a waste of time." Yes, I am heartbroken and a dream of mine has died, or at least been put on hold. Yes, I am grieving, and healing will take up a lot of energy in the months to come. But I don't want to waste this time by just being, just surviving. I think that would make things worse, almost drag out the grief. And although I have no idea what God has in store for me/us, I know for certain that He doesn't intend for me to waste this time. I know that there is a purpose in it. I just need to find it.
We had a good talk today about some of this, and hopefully will be working to set some real goals in the near future. Honestly, goal-setting has not been our forté in previous years, and I think it's led to some mistakes, and overall lack of direction. Maybe this "in-between time," as I keep calling it, is our wake-up call and opportunity to get it together.
Specifically, the GIANT questions that follow me around are:
What the heck am I/are we supposed to do NOW?
What should we be working toward? How can this time be POSITIVE and worth something, instead of simply treading water?
I really, really want to make something of the next 6 months–year. I don't want to simply live through it, get to the end and say, "well, that was a waste of time." Yes, I am heartbroken and a dream of mine has died, or at least been put on hold. Yes, I am grieving, and healing will take up a lot of energy in the months to come. But I don't want to waste this time by just being, just surviving. I think that would make things worse, almost drag out the grief. And although I have no idea what God has in store for me/us, I know for certain that He doesn't intend for me to waste this time. I know that there is a purpose in it. I just need to find it.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thoughts of the Week
So many thoughts have run through my head this week....
- My first week back to work went... surprisingly well, actually. I didn't cause a scene or burst into tears in front of my coworkers. No one said anything insensitive. Any comments I received were genuine and kind. I felt very missed and needed, which made it easier to get out of bed each morning. It is difficult to focus, and I'm certainly not working at 100% yet. I want to think about Asher and Evan all day long, and I just can't do that and get any work done. But overall, I feel good about how the week went. I feel so very blessed by my job, and my boss. He paid me and kept me on regular health insurance the whole time I was gone. I will always be grateful for that amazing generosity.
- We had a visit from our pastor on Tuesday. I was kind of dreading it, but it was really good. I cried, of course, but I felt better afterward than I had all day. I'm thinking more and more that J and I should see a counselor, because sometimes it's so helpful to have a third party asking the questions, so we can focus on simply answering them. We are very blessed by Dave.
- My blood pressure has been pretty good this week. It was high on Monday after work and wouldn't come back down, so I took a small dose of labetalol. But since then it's been fine. Still not perfect, but much better.
- I thought a lot on Thursday about how things turned out. Despite how unbelievably, tragically awful our situation is—the kind of thing that only happens on TV dramas—it takes my breath away to think of how much worse it could have been. The thing that leaves me breathless it that yes, this actually happened to us. Bad stuff does happen, and it did. And it could have been even worse. Even worse than this, the worst pain I could ever imagine. Obviously, I could have died, too. Or I could have been permanently disabled by my illness. Specifically, I've thought about the TTTS that my babies probably had. If I hadn't developed pre-e, we would be dealing with TTTS right now. Which means they still may not have lived. The only treatments for TTTS are fetoscopic surgery (so risky) or sacrificing one of the twins. THAT terrifies me—to think that, had things gone differently, I may have been asked to choose between my boys. That is a decision I could never, ever make. To me, that would have been even worse than what we've been through. Just thinking about it paralyzes me with fear. As odd as it sounds, I am thankful that (although I will NEVER understand why something bad had to happen AT ALL) if something bad had to happen, it was not something that would cause us to make, or not make, a decision that we would question for the rest of our lives.
- Speaking of decisions, I am thankful that we don't really have any doubt that we did what we had to do. I admit that I feel very defensive about it, because I feel that some people don't understand our situation, and that the "choice" we made was not really a choice. That if I had been any sicker, there would not have been a "choice" to make. I feel that we are probably being judged by some who are misinformed. But I feel a peace surrounding everything about the babies' birth. I got to see my babies alive, and talk to them and kiss them. They died in my arms. That is more than many women get with HELLPS. If it had to happen, this awful thing happened in the most "perfect" way possible. God's timing is perfect, and I believe that if He had wanted us to wait longer, we would have known that.
- I talked to Grandma Dee recently, and she told me that a friend of hers donated money to the Ronald McDonald House in our babies' names. This woman does not know us. Her daughter-in-law recently had twin boys, and I was going to meet her and talk about "twin stuff," but that never happened. I cannot explain how touched I was to hear that Asher and Evan are being remembered by people who don't even know J or I. That their names are being spoken and written by people who didn't even know them. It brings me to tears. That woman blessed us more than she will ever know.
- Melissa told me something kind of eerie the other night. She said that when we first told them we were pregnant, at that moment a thought popped into her head. The thought was that my baby would not make it (this was before we even knew it was twins). She said she felt horrible for even thinking such a thing, and pushed it out of her mind. As we started having complications, she worried even more. And once I was in the hospital, she had the worst feeling, of almost knowing that it would not turn out well. SO WEIRD. I have to believe that God gave her some kind of premonition, so she would be prepared to help us deal in the months to come. She said that for her, it is added assurance that we did the right thing, that this was how it was going to turn out. It's so sad, but sometimes I think to myself that Asher and Evan were never meant to be here for long. (I would punch anybody who tried to comfort me with a trite saying about how it "just wasn't meant to be," yet that may actually be true.) All the days ordained for them were written, before one of them came to be. I just wish I could figure out what the point of it all was. What meaning and purpose their short, precious little lives had. I know that I am forever changed, but I hope that I can find some sense in it all... eventually.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thankful
This weekend was good. So good for my soul. BJ came to visit us, and it was so wonderful to see her. We didn't do all that much—but it felt so good to be in the company of friends all weekend. I mean, hanging out with J, BJ, and M all evening is quite a luxury for me!
BJ was such a calming presence all weekend. She cooked us dinners, kept us entertained, and had so many wise and loving things to say. We shared pictures of the boys with her, as well as the objects in their room. The three of us (J, BJ and I) had a long talk about what J and I feel we really need, or any needs that aren't being met. The only thing we came up with is a break, and time away. As much as we truly appreciate being surrounded by friends and family, we are both feeling the need to break away from everything, at least for a short time. Part of that need involves being away from the house, away from all things familiar, all reminders of the crappiness of that last two months. Part of it means not having to talk to multiple people every day about my reproductive health. We had both kind of written of the idea in our heads, because we certainly can't go on vacation in the near future. But BJ made the very good point that if God wants us to have something like that, He will provide and bless us. We could approach our bosses and ask for unpaid time this summer, or something. If this is something that is really important for our healing, and God will bless us in that.
J and I talked some more about the idea last night. We need to spend time praying about it, and figuring out if it is really something that God would have us do. Then, the scary part of asking for time off after I've just been off for eight weeks! Yikes! We'll see.
Anyways, the weekend was good, and I still feel pretty good today. I know there will be bad days and good days, but it sure is nice to at least have hope that today will be good.
I see the kidney doctor this afternoon. Really, really hoping this doesn't mean another awkward "how is the baby?" question from them. That happened on Friday at my OB appointment, of all places, and I don't know how much more I can take. I sent in my patient registration, and indicated that I have two deceased children, so if anyone takes the time to read anything, maybe this appointment will work out better. Sigh. Oh, my OB visit went well, and I have lots of info and thoughts about it, but that's for another post.
BJ was such a calming presence all weekend. She cooked us dinners, kept us entertained, and had so many wise and loving things to say. We shared pictures of the boys with her, as well as the objects in their room. The three of us (J, BJ and I) had a long talk about what J and I feel we really need, or any needs that aren't being met. The only thing we came up with is a break, and time away. As much as we truly appreciate being surrounded by friends and family, we are both feeling the need to break away from everything, at least for a short time. Part of that need involves being away from the house, away from all things familiar, all reminders of the crappiness of that last two months. Part of it means not having to talk to multiple people every day about my reproductive health. We had both kind of written of the idea in our heads, because we certainly can't go on vacation in the near future. But BJ made the very good point that if God wants us to have something like that, He will provide and bless us. We could approach our bosses and ask for unpaid time this summer, or something. If this is something that is really important for our healing, and God will bless us in that.
J and I talked some more about the idea last night. We need to spend time praying about it, and figuring out if it is really something that God would have us do. Then, the scary part of asking for time off after I've just been off for eight weeks! Yikes! We'll see.
Anyways, the weekend was good, and I still feel pretty good today. I know there will be bad days and good days, but it sure is nice to at least have hope that today will be good.
I see the kidney doctor this afternoon. Really, really hoping this doesn't mean another awkward "how is the baby?" question from them. That happened on Friday at my OB appointment, of all places, and I don't know how much more I can take. I sent in my patient registration, and indicated that I have two deceased children, so if anyone takes the time to read anything, maybe this appointment will work out better. Sigh. Oh, my OB visit went well, and I have lots of info and thoughts about it, but that's for another post.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to
I am 28 today.
I don't think there's any possible way to make this not the worst birthday ever, but I am valiantly trying to at least not be a mess all day. I went to Caribou for my free drink, and hung out there for a while. Then I wandered over to the nail salon and got a mani and pedi. That was fun...ish..... Honestly I can't really muster up any excitement for anything today. The most I can achieve is distraction, and I guess a little pampering doesn't hurt, either. However, despite my (and others') best efforts, I have already cried more than once today.
It's just so unfair. It's not only today that sucks so much, it's thinking of all the things that my 28th year will not bring. All the things that were supposed to happen this year, that won't. Of how awesomely great this birthday would have been if I were still pregnant. I would be 26 weeks, and looking forward to my shower this weekend. But instead this year is The Year of No Babies. A year where I have no idea what will happen, only what will not.
I hope that better times are ahead, and this year won't suck all the way through. I sincerely want to be happy again. But it's hard to imagine right now. It's hard to imagine not having this feeling of limbo, emptiness, and loss. I feel lost. I don't know what God has in store for me this year, or what He would have me do. I don't know how to make this year "worth it." All I can manage these days is getting out of bed.
I feel bad, because everyone is trying so hard to make me happy, and it's like I will have none of it. J has gone shopping and keeps saying how excited he is for my presents... and all I can muster up is a smile. I am not excited. And I feel bad. Everyone's effort is wasted on me. Well, maybe not, because if no one wished me happy birthday or gave me gifts, I would probably feel worse. At the very least I do feel loved today. But I can't really handle all the calls from people, being extra cheery in hopes that it will rub off on me. My goal for today is just to survive my birthday... and also not make any scenes in public. Sounds like a great time, doesn't it?
ETA: My birthday got better as the afternoon/evening went on. Dinner was fun, and J absolutely spoiled me with gifts. I felt very loved. Not to say I didn't spent half an hour sobbing in the nursery... cuz I did. BUT my husband is such a blessing, and really helped to make the day special and not horrible. Love him. <3
I don't think there's any possible way to make this not the worst birthday ever, but I am valiantly trying to at least not be a mess all day. I went to Caribou for my free drink, and hung out there for a while. Then I wandered over to the nail salon and got a mani and pedi. That was fun...ish..... Honestly I can't really muster up any excitement for anything today. The most I can achieve is distraction, and I guess a little pampering doesn't hurt, either. However, despite my (and others') best efforts, I have already cried more than once today.
It's just so unfair. It's not only today that sucks so much, it's thinking of all the things that my 28th year will not bring. All the things that were supposed to happen this year, that won't. Of how awesomely great this birthday would have been if I were still pregnant. I would be 26 weeks, and looking forward to my shower this weekend. But instead this year is The Year of No Babies. A year where I have no idea what will happen, only what will not.
I hope that better times are ahead, and this year won't suck all the way through. I sincerely want to be happy again. But it's hard to imagine right now. It's hard to imagine not having this feeling of limbo, emptiness, and loss. I feel lost. I don't know what God has in store for me this year, or what He would have me do. I don't know how to make this year "worth it." All I can manage these days is getting out of bed.
I feel bad, because everyone is trying so hard to make me happy, and it's like I will have none of it. J has gone shopping and keeps saying how excited he is for my presents... and all I can muster up is a smile. I am not excited. And I feel bad. Everyone's effort is wasted on me. Well, maybe not, because if no one wished me happy birthday or gave me gifts, I would probably feel worse. At the very least I do feel loved today. But I can't really handle all the calls from people, being extra cheery in hopes that it will rub off on me. My goal for today is just to survive my birthday... and also not make any scenes in public. Sounds like a great time, doesn't it?
ETA: My birthday got better as the afternoon/evening went on. Dinner was fun, and J absolutely spoiled me with gifts. I felt very loved. Not to say I didn't spent half an hour sobbing in the nursery... cuz I did. BUT my husband is such a blessing, and really helped to make the day special and not horrible. Love him. <3
Friday, January 15, 2010
Feet
I think about Asher & Evan's births every day. Each day my mind recalls different snippets of it, little moments before and during their arrival. The first week or so that I was home it was a constant replaying of events, involuntary and relentless. I wanted to remember every single detail, and didn't yet have the strength to write anything down. Now it's less of a constant stream, but memories pop up all day long at different times. Some make me smile, some make me cry.
One small moment that I am so, so thankful for happened after the boys were born, while they were laying on my chest and J and I were soaking them in. They were achingly beautiful. We looked at their tiny little hands. We examined their precious, perfect little feet... so tiny, so perfect. And J said, "I think they have your feet." I hadn't thought of it myself, but as I held Asher's tiny foot in my hand I realized he was right. J and I have very different feet— his are slender and narrow, and mine are wide. The babies definitely had "wide" feet. They had my feet.
I don't look at the soles of my feet very often, but for some reason I did the other day. I instantly remembered that moment, and my boys' adorable little feet that matched mine. I am so thankful for that moment, and so thankful to my husband for pointing out this detail. It's one of the moments that I cling to. Asher and Evan had my feet.
One small moment that I am so, so thankful for happened after the boys were born, while they were laying on my chest and J and I were soaking them in. They were achingly beautiful. We looked at their tiny little hands. We examined their precious, perfect little feet... so tiny, so perfect. And J said, "I think they have your feet." I hadn't thought of it myself, but as I held Asher's tiny foot in my hand I realized he was right. J and I have very different feet— his are slender and narrow, and mine are wide. The babies definitely had "wide" feet. They had my feet.
I don't look at the soles of my feet very often, but for some reason I did the other day. I instantly remembered that moment, and my boys' adorable little feet that matched mine. I am so thankful for that moment, and so thankful to my husband for pointing out this detail. It's one of the moments that I cling to. Asher and Evan had my feet.
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