I had a dream about the babies last night. It's the first time that real life has infiltrated my sleep.
In my dream it was Sunday morning, and J was getting ready to leave for church (as he did IRL). I was still in bed, but then I heard a baby cry, and realized that J had a baby to care for, too. And I thought, I should get up and help him, because we still have one of our babies! But as I got up to find the baby, the cries faded away, and I slowly realized that no, we lost both of them. We don't have any babies.
When I woke up I felt so sad, I almost considered skipping church again. But I made myself go. I can't hide out forever, although I want to. Attending service by myself is so difficult. J isn't far away, and joins me once he's done with music. But it's all I can do not to burst into tears during the first half of service. Perhaps it's because on those mornings I am alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that automatically, unconsciously, are always about my boys. And then a song will hit me especially hard, or a pregnant woman will sit too close, and BAM! I am standing there crying during worship. I cry every time I go to church, during and/or after. I wish I could just attend service like a normal person, and smile and be happy.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."
- Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle
This quote has been running through my head ever since we lost our boys. It perfectly describes how I feel more often than not. I long for the time when every day won't have to be SO. HARD.
- Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle
This quote has been running through my head ever since we lost our boys. It perfectly describes how I feel more often than not. I long for the time when every day won't have to be SO. HARD.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Medical Info Dumping Ground
I've been meaning to record some of the info from my last couple of doctor's visits. So here we go...
My Health
My Health
- My protein levels are almost back to normal, as of this week. (Normal ratio is under .02, mine is at .04)
- My hemoglobin is almost back to normal, as well. (Normal is above 12, mine is 11.9)
- I am off my blood pressure meds, hopefully for good. My pressures have been pretty good the last few days. Last night I even had 117/76... yippee!
- Overall, health-wise, I am practically back to "normal." I still get tired more easily than normal, but I can tell my energy levels are improving.
- The placenta pathology report revealed that my babies most likely did have TTTS. Asher was the recipient, and Evan was the donor. It's hard to realize that even had I not gotten sick, the babies may not have lived. But it is also kind of confirming that the doctors were right to want me to deliver ASAP (i.e. not to wait until I got more sick)
- Also, the placenta was above the 90th percentile for size... this possibly contributed toward my developing preeclampsia. (In my head I pretty much blame everything on the placenta)
- I don't have any of the underlying conditions that may have led to pre-e (although I plan to get tested for more stuff, just to be sure)
- I officially had HELLP and pre-e.
- My chances of developing pre-e next time are "high." My official answers from doctors have been "60%," "30%," and "high." However, it will not be my first pregnancy, and I most likely will not have twins, so that will lower the risk. Really, no one knows anything.
- From what I've read, although my chances of getting pre-e again are high, my chances of getting HELLPS again are relatively low.
- We have been told to wait at least 6 months before trying again, medically speaking.
Not All There
My brain is a mess of about a thousand different thoughts at any given time, so it's no wonder I have trouble focusing. Yesterday I made a left turn onto Highway 13 by my house, and instead of turning into the right lane (illegal, but what I meant to do) I turned and drove down the shoulder all the way to the turning lane. And I didn't even realize until I entered said turning lane. What the heck?!?! The guy behind me probably thought I was drunk. Seriously, my mind is so often NOT ALL THERE.
I officially return to work on Monday. I went into the office on Wednesday for a meeting to get updated on our projects. That went fine. It took me a while to get my brain into RLE mode, but once I finally did things went OK.
In addition to focusing my thoughts, I also have trouble forming sentences sometimes. Seriously. Writing this blog is probably good therapy for me, because I could hardly compose an email up until a few weeks ago. And I am by no means eloquent. I hope nobody notices except me, but I feel self-conscious that I stumble over my words more than before. My brain is in a fog most of the time. Probably a combo of grief-brain, mommy-brain, and just being out of normal society for a while. Oh, and hormones. Gah. Here's hoping I don't make a total fool of myself next week, and that I can still do my job with some amount of success.
I officially return to work on Monday. I went into the office on Wednesday for a meeting to get updated on our projects. That went fine. It took me a while to get my brain into RLE mode, but once I finally did things went OK.
In addition to focusing my thoughts, I also have trouble forming sentences sometimes. Seriously. Writing this blog is probably good therapy for me, because I could hardly compose an email up until a few weeks ago. And I am by no means eloquent. I hope nobody notices except me, but I feel self-conscious that I stumble over my words more than before. My brain is in a fog most of the time. Probably a combo of grief-brain, mommy-brain, and just being out of normal society for a while. Oh, and hormones. Gah. Here's hoping I don't make a total fool of myself next week, and that I can still do my job with some amount of success.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I want to live in a world made of pillows
Today I cashed in the spa gift card from J for my birthday, and got a facial. It. Was. Fabulous. Something about the complete luxury and frivolousness of it makes me feel sooo good. My face is nice and glowing now, and I got a face, neck, arm, and shoulder massage on top of it. Wonderful.
I've noticed that physical comforts are really my "thing" lately. In the last week I've gotten a haircut, a mani and pedi, and a facial. Physical touch, and being physically comforted/comfortable, seems to soothe me. I've even noticed that with J—I need more physical affection from him than usual. I'm sure it's a coping thing... I can't fix how incredibly heartbroken I feel emotionally, so I try to look and feel better physically. I guess it can't hurt—at least I'm taking care of myself. If I go off the deep end and make some kind of down blanket fort, and spend hours putting on lotions and perfumes, it might be time for an intervention.
I've noticed that physical comforts are really my "thing" lately. In the last week I've gotten a haircut, a mani and pedi, and a facial. Physical touch, and being physically comforted/comfortable, seems to soothe me. I've even noticed that with J—I need more physical affection from him than usual. I'm sure it's a coping thing... I can't fix how incredibly heartbroken I feel emotionally, so I try to look and feel better physically. I guess it can't hurt—at least I'm taking care of myself. If I go off the deep end and make some kind of down blanket fort, and spend hours putting on lotions and perfumes, it might be time for an intervention.
Monday, January 25, 2010
From the Outside Looking In
When I was pregnant, I absolutely loved any mention of pregnancy, babies, or the current baby boom at our church. I felt so special to be part of that club. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, the pregnancy/baby stuff seems all the more pronounced, and hard to deal with.
Yesterday at church was a doozy. During the prayers for the church, they highlighted expectant mothers and the "little miracles" they are carrying. Totally appropriate since about a million women recently have had, or are about to have new babies. I used to be one of them. And I loved being prayed for by my church. Now it's just a reminder that I am no longer in "the club." This whole generation of kids will grow up together, never knowing that two of their friends are missing.
Two babies were born last week, so there were two roses on the communion table. Just like there were two roses when our boys were born, only we didn't get to keep our babies like those two lucky families.
And last but not least, it was Sanctity of Life Sunday, which meant a presentation about the crisis pregnancy center. I couldn't even watch the video, full of pregnant ladies, little kids, and a video showing the development of a baby in the womb. That development clip about killed me, thinking about where my boys were in the continuum. I felt a little bit of bitterness about all the women who get pregnant and don't want their babies, don't realize what an incredible miracle they are. All the women who have the luxury of taking pregnancy and babies for granted.
After we left church, J commented that it felt like pregnancy stuff is EVERYWHERE. He felt overwhelmed by it all. I was comforted to know that he can relate, and feels the effects of all this baby stuff, too. I'm not the only one fighting off bitterness toward one of the happiest events of life. I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, but right now it feels nearly impossible. I'm happy for them, just sad for me.
Yesterday at church was a doozy. During the prayers for the church, they highlighted expectant mothers and the "little miracles" they are carrying. Totally appropriate since about a million women recently have had, or are about to have new babies. I used to be one of them. And I loved being prayed for by my church. Now it's just a reminder that I am no longer in "the club." This whole generation of kids will grow up together, never knowing that two of their friends are missing.
Two babies were born last week, so there were two roses on the communion table. Just like there were two roses when our boys were born, only we didn't get to keep our babies like those two lucky families.
And last but not least, it was Sanctity of Life Sunday, which meant a presentation about the crisis pregnancy center. I couldn't even watch the video, full of pregnant ladies, little kids, and a video showing the development of a baby in the womb. That development clip about killed me, thinking about where my boys were in the continuum. I felt a little bit of bitterness about all the women who get pregnant and don't want their babies, don't realize what an incredible miracle they are. All the women who have the luxury of taking pregnancy and babies for granted.
After we left church, J commented that it felt like pregnancy stuff is EVERYWHERE. He felt overwhelmed by it all. I was comforted to know that he can relate, and feels the effects of all this baby stuff, too. I'm not the only one fighting off bitterness toward one of the happiest events of life. I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, but right now it feels nearly impossible. I'm happy for them, just sad for me.
Thankful
This weekend was good. So good for my soul. BJ came to visit us, and it was so wonderful to see her. We didn't do all that much—but it felt so good to be in the company of friends all weekend. I mean, hanging out with J, BJ, and M all evening is quite a luxury for me!
BJ was such a calming presence all weekend. She cooked us dinners, kept us entertained, and had so many wise and loving things to say. We shared pictures of the boys with her, as well as the objects in their room. The three of us (J, BJ and I) had a long talk about what J and I feel we really need, or any needs that aren't being met. The only thing we came up with is a break, and time away. As much as we truly appreciate being surrounded by friends and family, we are both feeling the need to break away from everything, at least for a short time. Part of that need involves being away from the house, away from all things familiar, all reminders of the crappiness of that last two months. Part of it means not having to talk to multiple people every day about my reproductive health. We had both kind of written of the idea in our heads, because we certainly can't go on vacation in the near future. But BJ made the very good point that if God wants us to have something like that, He will provide and bless us. We could approach our bosses and ask for unpaid time this summer, or something. If this is something that is really important for our healing, and God will bless us in that.
J and I talked some more about the idea last night. We need to spend time praying about it, and figuring out if it is really something that God would have us do. Then, the scary part of asking for time off after I've just been off for eight weeks! Yikes! We'll see.
Anyways, the weekend was good, and I still feel pretty good today. I know there will be bad days and good days, but it sure is nice to at least have hope that today will be good.
I see the kidney doctor this afternoon. Really, really hoping this doesn't mean another awkward "how is the baby?" question from them. That happened on Friday at my OB appointment, of all places, and I don't know how much more I can take. I sent in my patient registration, and indicated that I have two deceased children, so if anyone takes the time to read anything, maybe this appointment will work out better. Sigh. Oh, my OB visit went well, and I have lots of info and thoughts about it, but that's for another post.
BJ was such a calming presence all weekend. She cooked us dinners, kept us entertained, and had so many wise and loving things to say. We shared pictures of the boys with her, as well as the objects in their room. The three of us (J, BJ and I) had a long talk about what J and I feel we really need, or any needs that aren't being met. The only thing we came up with is a break, and time away. As much as we truly appreciate being surrounded by friends and family, we are both feeling the need to break away from everything, at least for a short time. Part of that need involves being away from the house, away from all things familiar, all reminders of the crappiness of that last two months. Part of it means not having to talk to multiple people every day about my reproductive health. We had both kind of written of the idea in our heads, because we certainly can't go on vacation in the near future. But BJ made the very good point that if God wants us to have something like that, He will provide and bless us. We could approach our bosses and ask for unpaid time this summer, or something. If this is something that is really important for our healing, and God will bless us in that.
J and I talked some more about the idea last night. We need to spend time praying about it, and figuring out if it is really something that God would have us do. Then, the scary part of asking for time off after I've just been off for eight weeks! Yikes! We'll see.
Anyways, the weekend was good, and I still feel pretty good today. I know there will be bad days and good days, but it sure is nice to at least have hope that today will be good.
I see the kidney doctor this afternoon. Really, really hoping this doesn't mean another awkward "how is the baby?" question from them. That happened on Friday at my OB appointment, of all places, and I don't know how much more I can take. I sent in my patient registration, and indicated that I have two deceased children, so if anyone takes the time to read anything, maybe this appointment will work out better. Sigh. Oh, my OB visit went well, and I have lots of info and thoughts about it, but that's for another post.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Me, whining.
I am so tired. I was tired yesterday because of Wednesday night, and then we went to Mom's last night for dinner. And today I have been trying to clean the house. It's only 11:30ish and I feel like I could take a nap. I decided to stop cleaning, because I need enough energy to shower, go to a doctor's appointment, stop at Walgreen's, and then visit with BJ. I hate that I don't have enough energy to do simple, everyday things. And it's making me more and more worried about returning to work in a week. How will I manage, if I can barely mop the floors?
I'm also really tired of having to share all of my medical info with everyone. I don't mind filling people in on the details of how I was sick, how bad it was, etc, because it seems to help them understand. BUT I am so sick of my parents, J's parents, and other people asking about every single doctor's visit, etc. I don't feel like telling everyone when I got my period, how long it will be until we can try to get pregnant again, how my bleeding has been, what my latest blood pressure was, etc, etc, etc. Leave me alone! I'm glad that people care, but I am extremely tired of the lack of privacy about my body. I have enough doctors keeping tabs on me, without everyone else, too.
This week has been hard. I don't know why. It almost feels like I'm doing worse than before, emotionally. A lot of it is probably anxiety about going back to work and "leaving" this period behind. Not that I will, in any way, be done processing/grieving. But I feel like I will be forced to move on in some ways. Anyway, enough rambling for today. Although I will probably write about my doctor's appointment... I hope it goes OK!
I'm also really tired of having to share all of my medical info with everyone. I don't mind filling people in on the details of how I was sick, how bad it was, etc, because it seems to help them understand. BUT I am so sick of my parents, J's parents, and other people asking about every single doctor's visit, etc. I don't feel like telling everyone when I got my period, how long it will be until we can try to get pregnant again, how my bleeding has been, what my latest blood pressure was, etc, etc, etc. Leave me alone! I'm glad that people care, but I am extremely tired of the lack of privacy about my body. I have enough doctors keeping tabs on me, without everyone else, too.
This week has been hard. I don't know why. It almost feels like I'm doing worse than before, emotionally. A lot of it is probably anxiety about going back to work and "leaving" this period behind. Not that I will, in any way, be done processing/grieving. But I feel like I will be forced to move on in some ways. Anyway, enough rambling for today. Although I will probably write about my doctor's appointment... I hope it goes OK!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to
I am 28 today.
I don't think there's any possible way to make this not the worst birthday ever, but I am valiantly trying to at least not be a mess all day. I went to Caribou for my free drink, and hung out there for a while. Then I wandered over to the nail salon and got a mani and pedi. That was fun...ish..... Honestly I can't really muster up any excitement for anything today. The most I can achieve is distraction, and I guess a little pampering doesn't hurt, either. However, despite my (and others') best efforts, I have already cried more than once today.
It's just so unfair. It's not only today that sucks so much, it's thinking of all the things that my 28th year will not bring. All the things that were supposed to happen this year, that won't. Of how awesomely great this birthday would have been if I were still pregnant. I would be 26 weeks, and looking forward to my shower this weekend. But instead this year is The Year of No Babies. A year where I have no idea what will happen, only what will not.
I hope that better times are ahead, and this year won't suck all the way through. I sincerely want to be happy again. But it's hard to imagine right now. It's hard to imagine not having this feeling of limbo, emptiness, and loss. I feel lost. I don't know what God has in store for me this year, or what He would have me do. I don't know how to make this year "worth it." All I can manage these days is getting out of bed.
I feel bad, because everyone is trying so hard to make me happy, and it's like I will have none of it. J has gone shopping and keeps saying how excited he is for my presents... and all I can muster up is a smile. I am not excited. And I feel bad. Everyone's effort is wasted on me. Well, maybe not, because if no one wished me happy birthday or gave me gifts, I would probably feel worse. At the very least I do feel loved today. But I can't really handle all the calls from people, being extra cheery in hopes that it will rub off on me. My goal for today is just to survive my birthday... and also not make any scenes in public. Sounds like a great time, doesn't it?
ETA: My birthday got better as the afternoon/evening went on. Dinner was fun, and J absolutely spoiled me with gifts. I felt very loved. Not to say I didn't spent half an hour sobbing in the nursery... cuz I did. BUT my husband is such a blessing, and really helped to make the day special and not horrible. Love him. <3
I don't think there's any possible way to make this not the worst birthday ever, but I am valiantly trying to at least not be a mess all day. I went to Caribou for my free drink, and hung out there for a while. Then I wandered over to the nail salon and got a mani and pedi. That was fun...ish..... Honestly I can't really muster up any excitement for anything today. The most I can achieve is distraction, and I guess a little pampering doesn't hurt, either. However, despite my (and others') best efforts, I have already cried more than once today.
It's just so unfair. It's not only today that sucks so much, it's thinking of all the things that my 28th year will not bring. All the things that were supposed to happen this year, that won't. Of how awesomely great this birthday would have been if I were still pregnant. I would be 26 weeks, and looking forward to my shower this weekend. But instead this year is The Year of No Babies. A year where I have no idea what will happen, only what will not.
I hope that better times are ahead, and this year won't suck all the way through. I sincerely want to be happy again. But it's hard to imagine right now. It's hard to imagine not having this feeling of limbo, emptiness, and loss. I feel lost. I don't know what God has in store for me this year, or what He would have me do. I don't know how to make this year "worth it." All I can manage these days is getting out of bed.
I feel bad, because everyone is trying so hard to make me happy, and it's like I will have none of it. J has gone shopping and keeps saying how excited he is for my presents... and all I can muster up is a smile. I am not excited. And I feel bad. Everyone's effort is wasted on me. Well, maybe not, because if no one wished me happy birthday or gave me gifts, I would probably feel worse. At the very least I do feel loved today. But I can't really handle all the calls from people, being extra cheery in hopes that it will rub off on me. My goal for today is just to survive my birthday... and also not make any scenes in public. Sounds like a great time, doesn't it?
ETA: My birthday got better as the afternoon/evening went on. Dinner was fun, and J absolutely spoiled me with gifts. I felt very loved. Not to say I didn't spent half an hour sobbing in the nursery... cuz I did. BUT my husband is such a blessing, and really helped to make the day special and not horrible. Love him. <3
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Excerpt from the book, Calm my Anxious Heart, by Linda Dallow
God does not demand that you and i have blind faith,
but abandoned faith, a faith that trusts Him fully.
Through His Word, God willingly reveals much about who He is, what His plans are,
and what He requires of us.
As we come to see Him and know Him he urges, "Trust Me."
Hundreds of times in the Bible God implores us to trust Him.
We tend to make trust a gray area, but with God the issue is black and white.
We either trust Him or we don't.
We're for Him or we're against Him.
We're in the game or we're on the sidelines.
As i think about true faith, heartfelt throw-yourself-in-with-complete-abandon faith,
two things come to mind:
*faith is rooted in God's character.
*faith is based on God's Word, not on our feelings."
God does not demand that you and i have blind faith,
but abandoned faith, a faith that trusts Him fully.
Through His Word, God willingly reveals much about who He is, what His plans are,
and what He requires of us.
As we come to see Him and know Him he urges, "Trust Me."
Hundreds of times in the Bible God implores us to trust Him.
We tend to make trust a gray area, but with God the issue is black and white.
We either trust Him or we don't.
We're for Him or we're against Him.
We're in the game or we're on the sidelines.
As i think about true faith, heartfelt throw-yourself-in-with-complete-abandon faith,
two things come to mind:
*faith is rooted in God's character.
*faith is based on God's Word, not on our feelings."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Writing for the sake of writing
It's a 3-day weekend for J, because of MLK day. I think he's been going stir-crazy already, even with only one day extra at home. We have gotten out though, to the movies, and to dinner with Julie & Ben while they were in town. It's been a tough weekend at times, too, which I'm sure is draining for him. I can't help but feel guilty that he has to receive most of my crying. He feels like he needs to "fix" it, as is his nature. But I don't need to be fixed—I just need to talk, and cry, and remember my babies. It has been truly amazing how different our experiences, and reactions, have been so far.
I had a small scare yesterday with some bleeding... but now it's mostly gone. Maybe it was the fastest period ever? That would be sweet... a bit of grace from my body, after all I've had to go through recently. A long, crappy period would be the icing on the cake.
I'm thinking a lot about my return to work in two weeks. Mostly hoping that it goes well and I don't do one of the following:
• cry
• faint
• act like a zombie
• totally overdo it and regress in my recovery
I also hope that my coworkers don't do any of the following:
• cry
• hug me until I cry
• ask awkward questions (hello, K)
• look at me with pity (I cannot STAND that)
I don't really know WHAT I want them to do. Maybe just say they're sorry, and then let it go. J has told me that it will be hard to be forced NOT to think about this situation, and forced to actually work and do things for other people. But I don't want to break down at work (at least not in front of people), and so maybe it will be best if they just avoid the topic. But then maybe I would feel badly that no one cares... I dunno. I feel like it's like ripping off a Band-Aid... I just have to do it, and see what happens.
I had a small scare yesterday with some bleeding... but now it's mostly gone. Maybe it was the fastest period ever? That would be sweet... a bit of grace from my body, after all I've had to go through recently. A long, crappy period would be the icing on the cake.
I'm thinking a lot about my return to work in two weeks. Mostly hoping that it goes well and I don't do one of the following:
• cry
• faint
• act like a zombie
• totally overdo it and regress in my recovery
I also hope that my coworkers don't do any of the following:
• cry
• hug me until I cry
• ask awkward questions (hello, K)
• look at me with pity (I cannot STAND that)
I don't really know WHAT I want them to do. Maybe just say they're sorry, and then let it go. J has told me that it will be hard to be forced NOT to think about this situation, and forced to actually work and do things for other people. But I don't want to break down at work (at least not in front of people), and so maybe it will be best if they just avoid the topic. But then maybe I would feel badly that no one cares... I dunno. I feel like it's like ripping off a Band-Aid... I just have to do it, and see what happens.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
One Month
It's been one month since Asher & Evan were born, on December 16th, 2009.
The overwhelming thought, the only thing that fills my mind is that I miss them. I miss them, I miss them, I miss them. I would do anything to still have them here, safe and growing inside of me.
Oh, how I miss them. Words can't even come close to decribing this overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling of loss. Several of my girlfriends happen to be traveling right now, and their Facebook statuses talk about missing their babies. They have no idea. No idea what it feels like to MISS your child. Not even close.
I miss you, babies. I miss you so much. The weight pins me down, makes it hard to breathe, colors everything I do. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
The overwhelming thought, the only thing that fills my mind is that I miss them. I miss them, I miss them, I miss them. I would do anything to still have them here, safe and growing inside of me.
Oh, how I miss them. Words can't even come close to decribing this overwhelming, all-encompassing feeling of loss. Several of my girlfriends happen to be traveling right now, and their Facebook statuses talk about missing their babies. They have no idea. No idea what it feels like to MISS your child. Not even close.
I miss you, babies. I miss you so much. The weight pins me down, makes it hard to breathe, colors everything I do. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sigh.
I went off my blood pressure medication yesterday... second attempt at being done with it.
Just took my blood pressure around 5 after being up and about. It was 162/93. Sigh. After a chat with the on-call doctor, I am back on the labetalol. Joy.
I really just want to be better. Physically, I mean. I'm so tired of feeling "not well." I have felt better lately, but as long as I'm on medication, I don't feel normal.
Just took my blood pressure around 5 after being up and about. It was 162/93. Sigh. After a chat with the on-call doctor, I am back on the labetalol. Joy.
I really just want to be better. Physically, I mean. I'm so tired of feeling "not well." I have felt better lately, but as long as I'm on medication, I don't feel normal.
My Post on The Bump
Here is what I posted on The Bump, letting the ladies there know what happened. I felt so raw when I wrote this. It still rips my heart out to read it, even thought I'm the one who wrote it.
The women on The Bump were incredibly helpful and supportive throughout my pregnancy. More than 130 people responded to this post to offer their condolences and prayers. I was so touched to receive so much love and support from people I don't even know in real life. That will always mean a lot to me, and so I wanted to preserve the original post here.
The women on The Bump were incredibly helpful and supportive throughout my pregnancy. More than 130 people responded to this post to offer their condolences and prayers. I was so touched to receive so much love and support from people I don't even know in real life. That will always mean a lot to me, and so I wanted to preserve the original post here.
Hi everyone,
Warning in advance that this is a sad post, but I want all my Bump friends to know what has happened. I never thought I would be the one writing a post like this.
You may remember that about two weeks ago (at 21 weeks) I posted about swelling I was experiencing. Well, I had to go to the doctor's office over lunch anyway, so I asked them to check my blood pressure, just in case. It was 178/120 (yikes). I was immediately told to lie down, and call my husband for a ride to the hospital.
Once in the hospital, I was given IV meds to prevent seizure, and blood pressure meds. The doctors did many lab tests over the next several days to rule out other problems, and then diagnosed me with severe early-onset pre-eclampsia. I wasn't feeling that bad, considering, but my labs showed otherwise. I had 10 GRAMS of protein in my urine (anything over 300 mg is considered a lot). The docs explained that I was very sick, and my situation could become life-threatening at any time, with little warning.
DH and I were faced with the very difficult reality that our babies were not going to make it. My pre-e would have to hold steady and be managed for at least another 2 weeks to give them any chance of survival whatsoever. The risks to my health/life during that time far outweighed the benefits to the babies. Basically, if we waited any longer the risks to my life only would go up, while the outcome would probably not change for the babies. On top of it all, one of our boys was a few weeks behind in size. After hearing all of the risks/numbers/facts, and lots and lots (and LOTS) of tears and anguish, we made the difficult choice (not really a choice at all) to deliver the babies.
Asher Love and Evan Love were born early on Wednesday, December 16th. The delivery was somewhat dramatic, but overall not as bad as I feared it would be. Both boys lived for only a few moments, but we cherish every second we had with them. A kind photographer came and took a few pictures, and our parents and pastor were there to surround and support us.
Words cannot express the emotions I am going through right now. I know each day will get better, but I miss my sons so deeply. We are very blessed to have tons of support from family, friends, and church. The whole thing feels so surreal, and I honestly don't know how I'm still standing,. The only thing getting us through is the hope we have in Jesus, and that we will will see our boys again someday. I have to imagine that He took them to save them from far worse pain in life. I know His strength is carrying me through, because I feel so weak.
My pre-e symptoms immediately began to clear up after the delivery, it really was incredible. Only as I recover am I realizing how bad I actually felt. This is confirmation that we did what we had to do.
If you're still reading at this point, thank you, and thanks for your prayers and thoughts at this time. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but my thoughts are with anyone else who has experienced a loss.
I will probably be signing off of The Bump for a while, except for maybe the Loss board, but wanted to let you all know how much I have appreciated your support and advice during my pregnancy. I hope to be back sooner than later, once life gets back to normal. Thanks again for reading, I really appreciate it.
BeckyFeet
I think about Asher & Evan's births every day. Each day my mind recalls different snippets of it, little moments before and during their arrival. The first week or so that I was home it was a constant replaying of events, involuntary and relentless. I wanted to remember every single detail, and didn't yet have the strength to write anything down. Now it's less of a constant stream, but memories pop up all day long at different times. Some make me smile, some make me cry.
One small moment that I am so, so thankful for happened after the boys were born, while they were laying on my chest and J and I were soaking them in. They were achingly beautiful. We looked at their tiny little hands. We examined their precious, perfect little feet... so tiny, so perfect. And J said, "I think they have your feet." I hadn't thought of it myself, but as I held Asher's tiny foot in my hand I realized he was right. J and I have very different feet— his are slender and narrow, and mine are wide. The babies definitely had "wide" feet. They had my feet.
I don't look at the soles of my feet very often, but for some reason I did the other day. I instantly remembered that moment, and my boys' adorable little feet that matched mine. I am so thankful for that moment, and so thankful to my husband for pointing out this detail. It's one of the moments that I cling to. Asher and Evan had my feet.
One small moment that I am so, so thankful for happened after the boys were born, while they were laying on my chest and J and I were soaking them in. They were achingly beautiful. We looked at their tiny little hands. We examined their precious, perfect little feet... so tiny, so perfect. And J said, "I think they have your feet." I hadn't thought of it myself, but as I held Asher's tiny foot in my hand I realized he was right. J and I have very different feet— his are slender and narrow, and mine are wide. The babies definitely had "wide" feet. They had my feet.
I don't look at the soles of my feet very often, but for some reason I did the other day. I instantly remembered that moment, and my boys' adorable little feet that matched mine. I am so thankful for that moment, and so thankful to my husband for pointing out this detail. It's one of the moments that I cling to. Asher and Evan had my feet.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday is OK
Today is going better.
Grandma came over today, and brought lunch. It was so nice to visit with her. I tend to shy away from people lately, but I always feel better after visiting with someone close to me. We went for a walk, and talked a lot, of course. We talked about my illness, and labor, and about the babies' births. I even got through most of it without crying! I told her how important is is to me that people know that their birth was peaceful and clam, and good in a way. I'm glad she knows that.
I really like talking about the boys, and telling the story of their births. I like saying their names, and mentioning them in conversation. I promise I will never shy away from saying their names or talking about their births for fear of making someone uncomfortable. I will always love telling people about my babies, even if it makes me cry.
Grandma came over today, and brought lunch. It was so nice to visit with her. I tend to shy away from people lately, but I always feel better after visiting with someone close to me. We went for a walk, and talked a lot, of course. We talked about my illness, and labor, and about the babies' births. I even got through most of it without crying! I told her how important is is to me that people know that their birth was peaceful and clam, and good in a way. I'm glad she knows that.
I really like talking about the boys, and telling the story of their births. I like saying their names, and mentioning them in conversation. I promise I will never shy away from saying their names or talking about their births for fear of making someone uncomfortable. I will always love telling people about my babies, even if it makes me cry.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Love is stronger than death.
So I must be content to know that
love is not affected by death--
it doesn't end, it doesn't diminish,
it doesn't change.
Instead, love is immortalized
and eternalized through death.
And the possibility of that love ever
being damaged or broken
is eliminated forever.
I'll put my trust in love.
Mary Hollingsworth
Social Security Cards
Me again.
I am having a really hard time today, for some reason. M was going to come over, but I canceled on her. I just didn't feel up to it. I went for a walk, hoping that would cheer me up, but here I sit, in tears. Again.
I am SO ready to not cry every. single. day. Heck, at this point I'd settle for not sobbing every day. I could handle a few tears... but I could do without completely losing it, which happens more days than not.
I went into the babies' room to look at their things again. I've gone in there every day this week. It's funny, for the first few weeks I couldn't even bring myself to look at the door to their room. But I went in for the first time, and spent a while looking at all of their things, and it was comforting, in a way. Even though I cry every time (still crying now), I love looking at their perfect little handprints and footprints, the blankets they were received in, the paper with their birth times and weights. All of the things that bear THEIR NAMES. Today when I went in there was something new among the collection: their Social Security cards. I didn't even know they would get those! But my baby boys have Social Security cards, and numbers. That's the ultimate proof of their lives, if they exist in the eyes of the U.S. government, right?
It always bothers me when someone uses the word "miscarriage" in reference to my pregnancy. I appreciate people trying to relate, and I know that miscarriages are all too common. I don't mind when someone uses their miscarriage to try and relate to me. But DO NOT call my loss a micarriage. My boys have Social Security cards! I did NOT miscarry. I gave birth to them. They lived! I witnessed their entire lives on this earth. No offense intended to anyone who has suffered the pain of a miscarriage, I do not mean to minimize that loss in any way. But saying I had a miscarriage minimizes my loss, and the lives of my sons.
It's probably a good thing that this blog is private for now.
I am having a really hard time today, for some reason. M was going to come over, but I canceled on her. I just didn't feel up to it. I went for a walk, hoping that would cheer me up, but here I sit, in tears. Again.
I am SO ready to not cry every. single. day. Heck, at this point I'd settle for not sobbing every day. I could handle a few tears... but I could do without completely losing it, which happens more days than not.
I went into the babies' room to look at their things again. I've gone in there every day this week. It's funny, for the first few weeks I couldn't even bring myself to look at the door to their room. But I went in for the first time, and spent a while looking at all of their things, and it was comforting, in a way. Even though I cry every time (still crying now), I love looking at their perfect little handprints and footprints, the blankets they were received in, the paper with their birth times and weights. All of the things that bear THEIR NAMES. Today when I went in there was something new among the collection: their Social Security cards. I didn't even know they would get those! But my baby boys have Social Security cards, and numbers. That's the ultimate proof of their lives, if they exist in the eyes of the U.S. government, right?
It always bothers me when someone uses the word "miscarriage" in reference to my pregnancy. I appreciate people trying to relate, and I know that miscarriages are all too common. I don't mind when someone uses their miscarriage to try and relate to me. But DO NOT call my loss a micarriage. My boys have Social Security cards! I did NOT miscarry. I gave birth to them. They lived! I witnessed their entire lives on this earth. No offense intended to anyone who has suffered the pain of a miscarriage, I do not mean to minimize that loss in any way. But saying I had a miscarriage minimizes my loss, and the lives of my sons.
It's probably a good thing that this blog is private for now.
First Post
So, I thought I should start a blog, in case I want to write down any of the bazillion thoughts I have every day. I don't know what, if anything, will come of this. But I have so many emotions and so many things running through my head every single day, I think I need an outlet. It's been really helpful to read blogs by others who have lost babies. So many people echo my feelings, and it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. At the same time, it's weird and kind of sad how many people I've found, once I started looking.
My main thought right now: I don't ever, ever want Asher and Evan to be forgotten. I know that J and I will never forget them, of course. But I am afraid that others will forget... or ignore... or avoid, either to make themselves feel better, or as an attempt to avoid upsetting me. But what would upset me more is if no one remembers, or speaks their names aloud. I want to hear their names. I want people to acknowledge that they were here, that they lived, and that they are my sons. I want them to be honored.
My main thought right now: I don't ever, ever want Asher and Evan to be forgotten. I know that J and I will never forget them, of course. But I am afraid that others will forget... or ignore... or avoid, either to make themselves feel better, or as an attempt to avoid upsetting me. But what would upset me more is if no one remembers, or speaks their names aloud. I want to hear their names. I want people to acknowledge that they were here, that they lived, and that they are my sons. I want them to be honored.
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