"Happy" Birthday?

It is 6 pm, and I am still at work. Got here at 8:30. Probably won't leave until at least 6:30. That's the kind of busy I am these days! It leaves little time for anything else, like holiday shopping, blogging, etc. Hopefully soon we will be past our deadline and things will slow down.

I cannot believe that Asher & Evan's birthday is in less than one month.

Sometimes I feel weird using the word "birthday," like it isn't quite right to describe the magnitude of that day. Yes, it is their birthday, but it is also they day they went to Heaven. Sometimes I say "the one-year anniversary of the day the boys were born and died," but that is 1) quite long, and 2) still doesn't quite do it. It is the day I became a mother. It's the day my whole world changed. I need a new word or phrase to describe this day.

I also need to figure out what we're going to do on that day. J and I have the day off of work, and we've discussed going to the hospital to drop of the tiny hats and blankets I've crocheted in their honor. We've also discussed doing some kind of service project. I know that I will need to keep busy, and stay out of the house. But I don't know what I will really need, and how I can truly honor them.

Originally, we thought about ideas involving lots of people... but then I wasn't sure how many people I want to spend the day with. No matter what I would feel like a "host," and I'm not sure I'll be up to that. Anything resembling a party felt awkward, both because of the circumstances, and because of the random group of people we would invite (my divorced parents, random church people, etc). It all started to feel like an awful lot of work and burden for a day that I may just want to be left alone.

But of course, that day isn't about me. It's about them. It's about Asher & Evan, my beautiful firstborn sons, and a celebration of the short time we had with them. It's about remembering, and honoring. It feels wrong not to do something HUGE and momentous for such a momentous day. And yet, I think our celebration/memorial will be fairly low-key.

But I am struggling to be OK with that. I feel like a bad mother because I have nothing planned yet. Because I don't have some great idea. Because work is keeping me too busy to think of much else. Because I would rather be planning a loud, messy, hectic party filled with family, cake, and two adorable one-year-olds.

We do have something in mind... a vague idea of a card commemorating their birthday, along with a prompt to do some kind of good in their name. We would send this to close family and friends, and invite other people to participate, as well. Basically, make their lives have an impact, even though they are not here.

If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them! I'm sure I'm really worrying too much about it. But as many of you know, it is incredibly difficult to figure out how to parent children who are in Heaven, when you are still on Earth.

Thankful Thursday

Last week I had my annual performance review at work. I've worked for my company for almost 4 years, and I really enjoy my job. Like every job it  has good days and bad days, and plenty of things to vent about. But overall I work at a great company with great people, and I love what I do.

So, my review. I'm always nervous going into a review. But I was particularly nervous this time because this past year has been such a roller coaster. At best it's been filled with doctors appointments and odd hours, both before and after my pregnancy. At worst, I was unexpectedly out of the office for 8 weeks, while hospitalized, and after the boys were born. Granted, I knew my boss wouldn't hold any of that against me. But on top of it all, I have been distracted (putting it mildly) and feel that I've lost much of my focus this year (with good reason, but still).

Well, long story short, my review went really well! As it turns out, I have met all of the goals I set at last year's review, and grown in my job, amazingly. I know it's only through God's grace that I've done so. I honestly feel like I've been phoning it in until just a couple months ago, and I still feel that way sometimes. So... yeah. God is good, for protecting my job and helping me succeed in the midst of grief. And I am thankful for that.

Blargh.

We had to put our family dog to sleep this morning. :-(

My mom is in France right now, so I am the “emergency contact,” and they called me right before I left for work. Poor Ursa had a twisted stomach, which apparently is an emergency thing. So it was either really expensive surgery on a 14-year-old dog, or put her to sleep. So I called my sisters, and we all agreed that it was time. She is really old (especially for a standard poodle) and it was bound to happen soon. I tried to call my mom in France (which is the funny part of the story, because I, the one daughter who does not speak French, called the hotel, and managed to say hello and ask the person if she spoke English. Good thing she did, because that was about the extent of my French knowledge!) So anyways. It is sad. And I’m sad for my mom because she would have liked to be there, and it will be really sad to come home and not have a dog to pick up from the kennel. And I’m really really really busy today but I didn’t get in early like I wanted because I was on the phone taking care of all that. And I’m about to switch my mouse to my left hand because my right hand hurts every time I click the mouse. Blahhh.....

Vent

Ugh. Awkward Coworker Conversation #1 just happened.

Today I am wearing a very light, comfy, flowy new shirt. It is really cute, and in that flowy loose style that is very popular, but I haven't always worn a lot of.

Coworker, who is actually really super nice, complimented me on the shirt. I said thanks and we chit-chatted for a minute. And THEN came what I can only assume (giving her the benefit of the doubt) was an uncontrollable running of the mouth where you keep thinking "Stop, stop!" and yet you just KEEP. ON. TALKING.

She went on and on about the merits of this style of shirt, and how it's so forgiving, and you don't have to worry about your gut hanging out, etc. etc. And THEN she went on to say that she wears this type of shirt all the time and her husband always asks her why she's wearing her maternity clothes. I wanted to crawl into a hole.

I pretty much stopped listening at that point. One, I am twenty years younger than you, much thinner, AND currently losing weight, thankyouverymuch. TWO, the last thing I want to talk about right now is pregnancy and pregnancy clothing, especially if you are comparing my current outfit to maternity clothes. Three, talking about feeling fat and trying to cover it up is NEVER a good topic for anyone who has recently given birth. HELLO.

I realize I am overreacting here. But I was totally nice and somewhat normal in the moment, so I have to vent a bit now. Sometimes people should just think before they speak.

I hate how little things like that can just BAM! slap me in the face and make my mood do a 180. I sem to be much more volatile in that way since having the babies. At least I seem to be able to control myself in front of other people, for the most part. Ugh. OK, vent over.

Pregnant? Yeah, right.

I went to talk to my boss this morning, to give him a head's up that I will be having more frequent doctor's appointments for the next few weeks. I'm sure I didn't really need to explain myself, but I felt weird not saying anything. I've had three appointments in the past two weeks, and have three more coming up in the next two weeks. Plus, we will have counseling appointments every other week for a while. It's nothing dramatic, just my ongoing eye issues, and counseling, but I have a close enough relationship with my boss that I felt comfortable telling him about those things.

When I started to explain that there would be an increase in appointments, he got this look on his face, and said, "Yes....?" in a way that I'm almost POSITIVE he thought I would say I was pregnant again.

For some reason I've been thinking about his reaction ever since that conversation. It's not really a big deal. If anyone thought I would be pregnant right now, my response would be, "Yeah, right." It's only 4 months out. For me to become pregnant right now would be very dangerous, for me and the baby.

And yet... I confess that I think about it often. Being pregnant, that is. As much as I am still grieving, and as much as I know that pregnancy would not be the best thing right now, for MANY reasons (my health, mostly, but also emotionally), it still crosses my mind every month. What if? I long for my boys, but I'm at the point in my grief where I definitely recognize that they are gone, and they are not coming back. So I long for them, but I also long for a sibling for them. I long for a baby to hold. I long to be pregnant. Even with all the fear that it will bring, even with the tragedy of my first pregnancy still fresh in my mind. I can't help but hope.

Losing the boys shattered a dream, to be sure. It shattered our dreams of having healthy twins at home right now. But it has done nothing to change my dream of having a baby. I am glad to be a mother now, but I long for the day when I can in fact be pregnant again, and (Lord willing) bring home a healthy baby. I long to put my new found role as a mother to use.

Friday!

Augh, today has been so frustrating at work. One thing after another. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything, for it to be done correctly. SO glad it's Friday!

Random Thoughts on a Thursday

Some updates...

• This has been a week of lots of "good talks" with J. Tuesday we spoke over lunch while I was having such a hard time. He said that he's been having dreams about the boys lately. In one, it was the end of the world, and some people were being saved from disaster, while others were not. He saw our boys in someone's arms and knew that they were "safe." I am desperately trying to find what little good can come from what has happened, and I think one thing is that we are more honest with each other. We talk more, share more. We are closer than we were before, and I hope that our marriage will be better for it.

• We are going to do Weight Watchers together! Crazy, huh? I've never really tried to lose weight before, and certainly not this much (15-18 pounds). But I think it will be so good for us. The thing that attracted me to WW is that it's more about learning how to eat, rather than dieting. I want to make lasting changes to my eating habits. We start on Sunday, and I'm really excited for it! I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about how things progress.

• Work has been crazy! Not a whole lot else to say, but I have been doing much more "managing" than I realized I would be upon my return to work. I really enjoy it, but it's very challenging!

• Speaking of work, I really hope J decides to look for another job soon. His job is so rough on him, and I want him to be happy, and doing something he enjoys. It's been 3 years, and the situation has not improved. The job market really stinks right now, so who knows if he'd find something anytime soon. But I'm hoping that he will at least feel compelled to begin a search in the near future.
  

• Also related to J, I am praying often for him to find success. In another of our chats recently he expressed that he hasn't felt BIG success in quite a while. That can be so wearing for anyone, probably more so for a man. He's had little things here and there, but he really needs (and deserves!) a big win in his life. Maybe our WW adventure can be a big win for him??

Hmmm, these updates ended up being much more related than I thought. Apparently I have had some specific things on my mind this week, even though I didn't realize it. This week has been alright... definitely lots of ups and downs, but they kind of average out to "OK." And I guess OK is pretty good for now.

Wanna go ride bikes?

I'm having a lot of trouble focusing so far this week. More than last week. Maybe because last week there was so much to do, and it kept me busy? I could certainly be busy right now if I wanted to be, but for some reason I cannot make myself do anything productive. I feel very unfocused. Even if I decide to do something productive, five minutes later I'm doing something else. Hmmm.....

It has snowed a TON over the last two days. It's fun to have nice, new snow, but my car could not make it up the hill this morning. I got about halfway up once or twice, but always got stuck at the steep part and had to turn around. A lady in a Lexus was doing the same thing, and a big garbage truck was stuck at the bottom, too. So I didn't feel quite so dumb. But I had to call a coworker for a ride in to the office.... sigh. Can't I get a break?

Oh yeah, and last night J and I had a fight about... sledding. Yes, sledding. It was one of those "I realize this is not a big deal, and that it's ridiculous that we are arguing right now, but I can't stop" kind of fights. Lovely. Just what we need right now. Honestly it has been getting more difficult to be extra-nice to him and give him grace lately, as we get further away from the "panic mode" we'd been living in for so long. The combo of grief, winter, my stupid birth control pills that might as well be called "J-can't-do-anything-right pills"... we both have a lot on our minds lately. I don't want our relationship to suffer on top of everything, but I realize that is a very real danger. Luckily we have a super-awesome Valentine's Day weekend planned, so hopefully that will get us both in better spirits.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is... I guess it's a good example of how unfocused I am today. I hope it gets better.

Thoughts of the Week

So many thoughts have run through my head this week....

• My first week back to work went... surprisingly well, actually. I didn't cause a scene or burst into tears in front of my coworkers. No one said anything insensitive. Any comments I received were genuine and kind. I felt very missed and needed, which made it easier to get out of bed each morning. It is difficult to focus, and I'm certainly not working at 100% yet. I want to think about Asher and Evan all day long, and I just can't do that and get any work done. But overall, I feel good about how the week went. I feel so very blessed by my job, and my boss. He paid me and kept me on regular health insurance the whole time I was gone. I will always be grateful for that amazing generosity.
  

• We had a visit from our pastor on Tuesday. I was kind of dreading it, but it was really good. I cried, of course, but I felt better afterward than I had all day. I'm thinking more and more that J and I should see a counselor, because sometimes it's so helpful to have a third party asking the questions, so we can focus on simply answering them. We are very blessed by Dave.

• My blood pressure has been pretty good this week. It was high on Monday after work and wouldn't come back down, so I took a small dose of labetalol. But since then it's been fine. Still not perfect, but much better.

• I thought a lot on Thursday about how things turned out. Despite how unbelievably, tragically awful our situation is—the kind of thing that only happens on TV dramas—it takes my breath away to think of how much worse it could have been. The thing that leaves me breathless it that yes, this actually happened to us. Bad stuff does happen, and it did. And it could have been even worse. Even worse than this, the worst pain I could ever imagine. Obviously, I could have died, too. Or I could have been permanently disabled by my illness. Specifically, I've thought about the TTTS that my babies probably had. If I hadn't developed pre-e, we would be dealing with TTTS right now. Which means they still may not have lived. The only treatments for TTTS are fetoscopic surgery (so risky) or sacrificing one of the twins. THAT terrifies me—to think that, had things gone differently, I may have been asked to choose between my boys. That is a decision I could never, ever make. To me, that would have been even worse than what we've been through. Just thinking about it paralyzes me with fear. As odd as it sounds, I am thankful that (although I will NEVER understand why something bad had to happen AT ALL) if something bad had to happen, it was not something that would cause us to make, or not make, a decision that we would question for the rest of our lives.

• Speaking of decisions, I am thankful that we don't really have any doubt that we did what we had to do. I admit that I feel very defensive about it, because I feel that some people don't understand our situation, and that the "choice" we made was not really a choice. That if I had been any sicker, there would not have been a "choice" to make. I feel that we are probably being judged by some who are misinformed. But I feel a peace surrounding everything about the babies' birth. I got to see my babies alive, and talk to them and kiss them. They died in my arms. That is more than many women get with HELLPS. If it had to happen, this awful thing happened in the most "perfect" way possible. God's timing is perfect, and I believe that if He had wanted us to wait longer, we would have known that.

• I talked to Grandma Dee recently, and she told me that a friend of hers donated money to the Ronald McDonald House in our babies' names. This woman does not know us. Her daughter-in-law recently had twin boys, and I was going to meet her and talk about "twin stuff," but that never happened. I cannot explain how touched I was to hear that Asher and Evan are being remembered by people who don't even know J or I. That their names are being spoken and written by people who didn't even know them. It brings me to tears. That woman blessed us more than she will ever know.

• Melissa told me something kind of eerie the other night. She said that when we first told them we were pregnant, at that moment a thought popped into her head. The thought was that my baby would not make it (this was before we even knew it was twins). She said she felt horrible for even thinking such a thing, and pushed it out of her mind. As we started having complications, she worried even more. And once I was in the hospital, she had the worst feeling, of almost knowing that it would not turn out well. SO WEIRD. I have to believe that God gave her some kind of premonition, so she would be prepared to help us deal in the months to come. She said that for her, it is added assurance that we did the right thing, that this was how it was going to turn out. It's so sad, but sometimes I think to myself that Asher and Evan were never meant to be here for long. (I would punch anybody who tried to comfort me with a trite saying about how it "just wasn't meant to be," yet that may actually be true.) All the days ordained for them were written, before one of them came to be. I just wish I could figure out what the point of it all was. What meaning and purpose their short, precious little lives had. I know that I am forever changed, but I hope that I can find some sense in it all... eventually.
  

Not thinking positively today....

I told myself that I wouldn't blog at work.

But right now it feels like I can't make myself do anything else. Work has been "good" overall, but it is SO stinkin' hard to not have the luxury of thinking about my boys whenever I want to. I can't think about them any old time, because I have other things I should be thinking about, projects to work on, deadlines to meet. I can't just cry any time I want, either, so the thinking has to be kept to a minimum.

I am impossible to please. When I'm crying, I am so sick of crying. I want to be distracted, to have even a moment where my mind is not consumed with grief and pain. Now that I'm back at work, all I want to do is go home and think about Asher and Evan all day. I miss them.

Really what it boils down to is that I am SO. TIRED. So tired of feeling this way. I am trapped in my own life. Not that I don't want to be alive, because I do, and I am happy to be here still.* But I am trapped in a really sucky version of my life. There is no escaping your own circumstances.

*Side note: Every time I complain about my life, I feel the need to have the disclaimer that I'm really still glad to be here. I realize that I should be thankful to be alive, and I recognize that I probably sound very ungrateful for it. So I have this need to offer a disclaimer to God, that I'm aware that He saved my life in all of this. It makes me feel like a jerk, that I can't be more grateful sometimes. But this is a topic for another day.

Not All There

My brain is a mess of about a thousand different thoughts at any given time, so it's no wonder I have trouble focusing. Yesterday I made a left turn onto Highway 13 by my house, and instead of turning into the right lane (illegal, but what I meant to do) I turned and drove down the shoulder all the way to the turning lane. And I didn't even realize until I entered said turning lane. What the heck?!?! The guy behind me probably thought I was drunk. Seriously, my mind is so often NOT ALL THERE.

I officially return to work on Monday. I went into the office on Wednesday for a meeting to get updated on our projects. That went fine. It took me a while to get my brain into RLE mode, but once I finally did things went OK.

In addition to focusing my thoughts, I also have trouble forming sentences sometimes. Seriously. Writing this blog is probably good therapy for me, because I could hardly compose an email up until a few weeks ago. And I am by no means eloquent. I hope nobody notices except me, but I feel self-conscious that I stumble over my words more than before. My brain is in a fog most of the time. Probably a combo of grief-brain, mommy-brain, and just being out of normal society for a while. Oh, and hormones. Gah. Here's hoping I don't make a total fool of myself next week, and that I can still do my job with some amount of success.

Writing for the sake of writing

It's a 3-day weekend for J, because of MLK day. I think he's been going stir-crazy already, even with only one day extra at home. We have gotten out though, to the movies, and to dinner with Julie & Ben while they were in town. It's been a tough weekend at times, too, which I'm sure is draining for him. I can't help but feel guilty that he has to receive most of my crying. He feels like he needs to "fix" it, as is his nature. But I don't need to be fixed—I just need to talk, and cry, and remember my babies. It has been truly amazing how different our experiences, and reactions, have been so far.

I had a small scare yesterday with some bleeding... but now it's mostly gone. Maybe it was the fastest period ever? That would be sweet... a bit of grace from my body, after all I've had to go through recently. A long, crappy period would be the icing on the cake.

I'm thinking a lot about my return to work in two weeks. Mostly hoping that it goes well and I don't do one of the following:
• cry
• faint
• act like a zombie
• totally overdo it and regress in my recovery

I also hope that my coworkers don't do any of the following:
• cry
• hug me until I cry
• ask awkward questions (hello, K)
• look at me with pity (I cannot STAND that)

I don't really know WHAT I want them to do. Maybe just say they're sorry, and then let it go. J has told me that it will be hard to be forced NOT to think about this situation, and forced to actually work and do things for other people. But I don't want to break down at work (at least not in front of people), and so maybe it will be best if they just avoid the topic. But then maybe I would feel badly that no one cares... I dunno. I feel like it's like ripping off a Band-Aid... I just have to do it, and see what happens.