This will be short, but I wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, and still pregnant, and getting amazingly, crazily close to having this baby! I am 34 and a half weeks along now.
Things have been so busy lately, and I have started going to bed around 9:30, so there hasn't been much time for blogging. As usual, I have so many more thoughts than I can write down on any given day. But I appreciate all of you who are hanging in there with me. I anticipate my blogging to be slow for a while, maybe even go on a hiatus, but please know that I think of many of you on a regular basis. My heart is very much with you, and I am very thankful to be part of this community.
Showing posts with label Baby 3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby 3. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
120/76 - woo hoo!
Well, I went in for a follow-up BP check yesterday, and after an initial high reading my BP went down to 120/76. Yay! I have some serious white-coat hypertension going on, and I think my doctor is on to me. Even though I was only scheduled for an appointment with a nurse, he came in to go over the results of my blood work (which I already knew were normal), probably to buy some time and make me feel better.
I fully embrace my role as a high-maitenence patient. I am fully aware, but I make no excuses. If I have to see the doc every day from now until the baby comes, I will do it (but I'm praying it won't come to that...LOL). I'm lucky to have a doc who works with me, and takes my situation very seriously.
So all that said, things appear to be just fine! Hooray! I am so thankful. Now if I could just calm the H down....
Speaking of calming down, J and I have decided to try Hyp.no.babies for childbirth. I just started the program a couple days ago, and am really enjoying it so far! I have to admit the cynical part of my brain pops in every once in a while ("Special Place??" "Bubble of Peace??" snicker) but I'm working on it. There's a CD track that I listen to every day which is full of positive affirmations about pregnancy, and it really helps me to be calm and positive! My favorite affirmation, "My blood pressure is perfect every day and night." :-D
I fully embrace my role as a high-maitenence patient. I am fully aware, but I make no excuses. If I have to see the doc every day from now until the baby comes, I will do it (but I'm praying it won't come to that...LOL). I'm lucky to have a doc who works with me, and takes my situation very seriously.
So all that said, things appear to be just fine! Hooray! I am so thankful. Now if I could just calm the H down....
Speaking of calming down, J and I have decided to try Hyp.no.babies for childbirth. I just started the program a couple days ago, and am really enjoying it so far! I have to admit the cynical part of my brain pops in every once in a while ("Special Place??" "Bubble of Peace??" snicker) but I'm working on it. There's a CD track that I listen to every day which is full of positive affirmations about pregnancy, and it really helps me to be calm and positive! My favorite affirmation, "My blood pressure is perfect every day and night." :-D
Friday, March 11, 2011
Anxiety
I’ve had a dull headache for the past 2 days, which seems to go away with Tylenol, but then comes right back. I have only taken Tylenol a couple times because I don’t want to take much of anything, so I’ve had the headache to worry about. My blood pressure has been fine on my home machine, but the anxiety of it is completely psyching me out. So, I’m going into the clinic today for a BP check and protein check, to (hopefully) ease my mind.
I am really pretty sure that it’s nothing. This headache is localized to one side of my head, and I would think a BP-related headache would be all over, like a tension headache. Also like I said, my BP is fine. But still... I can’t help but worry! This little voice in my head says “Pre-e can happen WITHOUT high BP” and “your BP machine might not be accurate.”
I check my ankles, hands, and face for swelling every day. I check my BP at least once a day. I check my weight regularly. I even scrutinize my pee in the morning— “does it still look yellow? Any hint of brown?” Every little change sends my brain into overdrive, wondering “Is this a normal pregnancy thing, or a sign of pre-e? Is this ‘it’?”
My anxiety comes and goes in waves. Right after a doctor’s appointment or ultrasound I feel great, everything is fine! I’ve been more relaxed in the past few weeks than I have been this whole pregnancy. So I guess I’m due for a bit of a freak-out. I am thankful that the freak-outs seem to be a bit more infrequent lately. But wow, I wish I could just RELAX.
Anyway, I’m glad that my doctor’s office is willing to do whatever I need to feel secure about this pregnancy. They are my therapy...LOL I’ll update after my appointment, and hopefully I’ll feel a lot better once someone else has looked at my pee. ;-)
I am really pretty sure that it’s nothing. This headache is localized to one side of my head, and I would think a BP-related headache would be all over, like a tension headache. Also like I said, my BP is fine. But still... I can’t help but worry! This little voice in my head says “Pre-e can happen WITHOUT high BP” and “your BP machine might not be accurate.”
I check my ankles, hands, and face for swelling every day. I check my BP at least once a day. I check my weight regularly. I even scrutinize my pee in the morning— “does it still look yellow? Any hint of brown?” Every little change sends my brain into overdrive, wondering “Is this a normal pregnancy thing, or a sign of pre-e? Is this ‘it’?”
My anxiety comes and goes in waves. Right after a doctor’s appointment or ultrasound I feel great, everything is fine! I’ve been more relaxed in the past few weeks than I have been this whole pregnancy. So I guess I’m due for a bit of a freak-out. I am thankful that the freak-outs seem to be a bit more infrequent lately. But wow, I wish I could just RELAX.
Anyway, I’m glad that my doctor’s office is willing to do whatever I need to feel secure about this pregnancy. They are my therapy...LOL I’ll update after my appointment, and hopefully I’ll feel a lot better once someone else has looked at my pee. ;-)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Vent: the Brew.er Diet
Recently I’ve begun trying to educate myself about childbirth, and the options available to me. Being a high-risk pregnancy I am preparing myself to be very flexible and “go with the flow” based on my doctor’s advice and whatever my circumstances are around the time of delivery. However, I also want to be really confident and informed going into labor. I’m one of those “read everything I can get my hands on” people who likes to research as much as possible. Information is power!
I’ll write more later about what we’ve looked into and learned about, but this post is a vent about something that REALLY ticked me off. And made me cry. And brought me back about 10 steps from where I was, as far as my emotional well-being/acceptance of the loss of my boys.
I was reading a workbook I friend loaned me about the Brad.ley Method of Childbirth. I won’t get into the method itself here, because I have no problems with it in general, and think it’s great if it helps women achieve the kind of birth they desire. One of the main focuses of this program is nutrition, which we can all agree is very important! HOWEVER, the claims of their particular nutritional plan are what got me so upset.
The nutrional plan emphasized is called the Brew.er Diet. Again, I won’t go into the details here (you can google it), but it purports to help women AVOID preeclampsia.
And there it is.
This diet claims that by eating properly, women will not get preeclampsia (they call it toxemia), and it outright pisses me off. It pisses me off because this diet was developed a long time ago (the 60s), and research has totally blown the theory out of the water, at least for developed countries. There is no peer-reviewed research to support this diet. But the BIGGER issue I have is that, by stating that women who follow this diet will avoid the disease, it also insinuates that it is somehow MY fault that I got sick.
I cannot tell you how long I have spent trying to convince myself that what happened was not my fault. It is only very recently, and with more and more research coming out, that I’ve been able to recognize that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this. It is not my fault.
It is not my fault. And yet, reading this small bit in the Brad.ley workbook brought me to tears, because I felt so judged. The plan made me feel like it was MY fault that I did not “stay low-risk,” which is a major focus of the program. And just like that, I was back to square one, blaming myself. And worrying that I’ not doing all I can for this new baby. And thinking about how, if something goes wrong, I will again feel like a failure.
What I really hate is knowing that there are people out there who, due to misinformation, think that it truly is my fault, or that I could have eaten more protein and avoided this tragic loss. There are probably even friends of mine who, though they would never ever say it aloud, deep down think that “if only she’d known about the Brew.er Diet” things would have been different.
I know I can’t change what other people think, so I have to focus on being OK with myself, and not blaming myself. That’s all I can do.
If you’re curious to read some more about this diet/reactions to it from the pre-e community, check out these links:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19437225
http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9742
You can google the diet and find the official website for it, too, but I’ll tell you that I could not spend more than 30 seconds there before my blood was boiling. Whew! (Trying stay calm and positive!) Thanks for letting me vent.
I’ll write more later about what we’ve looked into and learned about, but this post is a vent about something that REALLY ticked me off. And made me cry. And brought me back about 10 steps from where I was, as far as my emotional well-being/acceptance of the loss of my boys.
I was reading a workbook I friend loaned me about the Brad.ley Method of Childbirth. I won’t get into the method itself here, because I have no problems with it in general, and think it’s great if it helps women achieve the kind of birth they desire. One of the main focuses of this program is nutrition, which we can all agree is very important! HOWEVER, the claims of their particular nutritional plan are what got me so upset.
The nutrional plan emphasized is called the Brew.er Diet. Again, I won’t go into the details here (you can google it), but it purports to help women AVOID preeclampsia.
And there it is.
This diet claims that by eating properly, women will not get preeclampsia (they call it toxemia), and it outright pisses me off. It pisses me off because this diet was developed a long time ago (the 60s), and research has totally blown the theory out of the water, at least for developed countries. There is no peer-reviewed research to support this diet. But the BIGGER issue I have is that, by stating that women who follow this diet will avoid the disease, it also insinuates that it is somehow MY fault that I got sick.
I cannot tell you how long I have spent trying to convince myself that what happened was not my fault. It is only very recently, and with more and more research coming out, that I’ve been able to recognize that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this. It is not my fault.
It is not my fault. And yet, reading this small bit in the Brad.ley workbook brought me to tears, because I felt so judged. The plan made me feel like it was MY fault that I did not “stay low-risk,” which is a major focus of the program. And just like that, I was back to square one, blaming myself. And worrying that I’ not doing all I can for this new baby. And thinking about how, if something goes wrong, I will again feel like a failure.
What I really hate is knowing that there are people out there who, due to misinformation, think that it truly is my fault, or that I could have eaten more protein and avoided this tragic loss. There are probably even friends of mine who, though they would never ever say it aloud, deep down think that “if only she’d known about the Brew.er Diet” things would have been different.
I know I can’t change what other people think, so I have to focus on being OK with myself, and not blaming myself. That’s all I can do.
If you’re curious to read some more about this diet/reactions to it from the pre-e community, check out these links:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19437225
http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=9742
You can google the diet and find the official website for it, too, but I’ll tell you that I could not spend more than 30 seconds there before my blood was boiling. Whew! (Trying stay calm and positive!) Thanks for letting me vent.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Long Overdue Update
I'm sorry I've been so MIA lately! "Real life" has been very full, and while I think many, many things to blog about I rarely have time to sit down and compose my thoughts into a post. Slow day at work today, so thought I'd steal a few minutes. For those of you that are checking up on me (thank you!) here is an update:
And now I'm off to turn down the heat in my office, because someone thinks it's OK to set the thermostat to 75 degrees. Have some mercy on the pregnant lady, people!
- I will be 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Praise the Lord! I can't believe I didn't write about the big 24-week milestone, but that's because I was too busy celebrating and enjoying it. I cannot believe I've made it this far. Of course, no one would wish for their baby to be born at 25 weeks, but each day gives me more hope that we will be able to take this baby home and raise her. It gives me comfort knowing that if something happened at this point, she is now considered a patient in the eyes of the medical community.
- Speaking of Baby Girl, I am just completely smitten with her already. I was concerned that I would have trouble bonding, as I know that's an issue for many babyloss moms. In the beginning it was more difficult. I was so afraid, and didn't want to invest myself too deeply, for fear that we would lose her. Well the fears are still there, but I've been really blessed to be able to relax a bit more and truly enjoy being pregnant. I know this is God's doing and not mine, because my brain is a minefield of what ifs? I am so thankful that He has allowed me moments of pure joy as I feel her moving around, and get to do some of the things expectant parents do like registering, looking at cute clothes, etc. This baby is going to be so spoiled it's not even funny, and I can't say I will help the situation!
- Like I said, we are mostly consumed with real-life concerns and tasks lately. Trying to get more work for our freelance business, looking for daycare options (WOW daycare is expensive here), finances, etc. I have been so overwhelmed at times. I try to remember that it is a blessing to have these problems to worry about. I would take the worries about money and work and schedules over the grief of loss any day. But easier said than done, a lot of times.
- I'm looking for a creative way to include Asher & Evan in the baby's nursery. Something small that we as a family will know about and recognize. I don't really have any ideas yet, so if you have suggestions I'd love to hear them!
And now I'm off to turn down the heat in my office, because someone thinks it's OK to set the thermostat to 75 degrees. Have some mercy on the pregnant lady, people!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Big Day
Today is a milestone day! Today I am 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant, officially the most pregnant I have ever been.
Today and yesterday have both been very bittersweet for me, as I remember what happened at 22 weeks and 3 days with the boys. They came into this world, much too soon. And they left this world, making a tremendous impact for such short lives. I had a good cry for them last weekend. It's been a while since I've done that, and it felt good. I still miss them so much. But I try to stay as positive from day-to-day as possible for the sake of this new little one.
Of course, I am beyond thrilled to be at this point with Asher & Evan's little sister. She is growing like a weed, and constantly amazing me with the strength of her kicks! I feel incredibly blessed to have her with me, and am so thankful for every single day. Today especially.
Today and yesterday have both been very bittersweet for me, as I remember what happened at 22 weeks and 3 days with the boys. They came into this world, much too soon. And they left this world, making a tremendous impact for such short lives. I had a good cry for them last weekend. It's been a while since I've done that, and it felt good. I still miss them so much. But I try to stay as positive from day-to-day as possible for the sake of this new little one.
Of course, I am beyond thrilled to be at this point with Asher & Evan's little sister. She is growing like a weed, and constantly amazing me with the strength of her kicks! I feel incredibly blessed to have her with me, and am so thankful for every single day. Today especially.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Blessed
Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway there! This is huge. HUGE. And what is more exciting is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with NO signs of pre-eclampsia! Woo hoo! When I was pregnant with Asher & Evan, I was most definitely sick by 20 weeks, although I was not hospitalized until 21 weeks. So this is a really big deal. I feel very, very blessed.
Before I even got pregnant I said that I would be thrilled to be pregnant on my birthday. Well, it was my birthday on Thursday, and not only am I still pregnant, but we had our ultrasound! AND... (drumroll) discovered that we are having a 100% healthy baby girl!! AND... my placenta looks great and totally normal, as far as blood flow and everything. (For those not familiar with pre-e, it is thought to originate with poor implantation of the placenta... which would possibly show up in the blood flow, etc right now) The doctor gave me the most hopeful prognosis I've received yet, and actually said that she doesn't "expect" anything to happen (although I will be watched very closely). I have been walking around feeling like disaster was imminent, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So to have a doctor tell me that I can relax a little (little) bit is practically life-changing. I'm not kidding. The weight off my heart/soul/shoulders is immense. Don't get me wrong, I will still be fairly nervous. But today, for the first time, I actually looked at nursery stuff online. I couldn't even think about that kind of thing before Thursday. All I could think was "Is this my last week being pregnant? How many days do I have left?"
Those that haven't lost a child might think that I'm overdoing it a bit with the excitement of finding out I'm carrying a healthy girl. Some may think "Of course it's a healthy baby, why wouldn't it be?" Indeed. Unfortunately too many of us know all too well that you can't take these things for granted. Not a bit. And if there is one gift I can say that my experience has given me, it is that I will not take a single day with this baby for granted.
I am so, so thankful.
Before I even got pregnant I said that I would be thrilled to be pregnant on my birthday. Well, it was my birthday on Thursday, and not only am I still pregnant, but we had our ultrasound! AND... (drumroll) discovered that we are having a 100% healthy baby girl!! AND... my placenta looks great and totally normal, as far as blood flow and everything. (For those not familiar with pre-e, it is thought to originate with poor implantation of the placenta... which would possibly show up in the blood flow, etc right now) The doctor gave me the most hopeful prognosis I've received yet, and actually said that she doesn't "expect" anything to happen (although I will be watched very closely). I have been walking around feeling like disaster was imminent, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So to have a doctor tell me that I can relax a little (little) bit is practically life-changing. I'm not kidding. The weight off my heart/soul/shoulders is immense. Don't get me wrong, I will still be fairly nervous. But today, for the first time, I actually looked at nursery stuff online. I couldn't even think about that kind of thing before Thursday. All I could think was "Is this my last week being pregnant? How many days do I have left?"
Those that haven't lost a child might think that I'm overdoing it a bit with the excitement of finding out I'm carrying a healthy girl. Some may think "Of course it's a healthy baby, why wouldn't it be?" Indeed. Unfortunately too many of us know all too well that you can't take these things for granted. Not a bit. And if there is one gift I can say that my experience has given me, it is that I will not take a single day with this baby for granted.
I am so, so thankful.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Full of Gratitude Friday
Ok, so I missed Thankful Thursday yesterday. It's been a while since I posted a Thankful Thursday post anyway, so I think I'm due. :-)
I am thankful for TODAY. I am thankful that I am almost 18 weeks pregnant. I am thankful for the experience of today, and trying to stay in the present rather than worry about tomorrow. I am thankful that my blood pressure is A-OK and aside from a sinus infection I'm feeling pretty good!
I am thankful for TODAY. I am thankful that I am almost 18 weeks pregnant. I am thankful for the experience of today, and trying to stay in the present rather than worry about tomorrow. I am thankful that my blood pressure is A-OK and aside from a sinus infection I'm feeling pretty good!
Monday, January 3, 2011
I might be losing my mind....
I am 17 weeks and a couple days pregnant!
Every little thing I do to invest further in this pregnancy feels like I am tempting fate. Despite my beliefs, I can't seem to shake this anxiety that I will somehow "jinx" myself. I know that's ridiculous, but it's how I feel.
I just scheduled our "big" ultrasound... for the morning of my birthday. Eep! And all I can think is "I hope this birthday is better than last year."
I bought some more maternity clothes, and I think, "I hope I get to wear these for a while."
It is really painful. I feel guilty that I'm not investing more time/thought/energy into this baby yet... but every time I take a little step and cheer "Go me! Way to live one day at a time!" I immediately get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my brain involuntarily wonders, "How many days do I have left?"
I'm sure people think I'm morbid, or dwelling on the negative. People who haven't been there. But right now the idea of having a healthy baby in my arms feels just about as unbelievable as the idea of losing another child.
One day at a time... one day at a time... hopefully tomorrow will be easier.
Every little thing I do to invest further in this pregnancy feels like I am tempting fate. Despite my beliefs, I can't seem to shake this anxiety that I will somehow "jinx" myself. I know that's ridiculous, but it's how I feel.
I just scheduled our "big" ultrasound... for the morning of my birthday. Eep! And all I can think is "I hope this birthday is better than last year."
I bought some more maternity clothes, and I think, "I hope I get to wear these for a while."
It is really painful. I feel guilty that I'm not investing more time/thought/energy into this baby yet... but every time I take a little step and cheer "Go me! Way to live one day at a time!" I immediately get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my brain involuntarily wonders, "How many days do I have left?"
I'm sure people think I'm morbid, or dwelling on the negative. People who haven't been there. But right now the idea of having a healthy baby in my arms feels just about as unbelievable as the idea of losing another child.
One day at a time... one day at a time... hopefully tomorrow will be easier.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I have wanted to write more often, but I've been busy, and overwhelmed by the sheer number of thoughts that go through my head each day. Literally from joy to panic and back again, with some grief thrown into the middle. Such is my "new normal," I guess. I'm going to attempt some coherent updates, but be warned... this will be a long one!
::
Christmas was really good! We enjoyed seeing family, watching our nephews and niece run around like maniacs all weekend, opening presents, resting, and soaking in the joy of Christmas. Christmas Day itself was a bit tough... I was concerned that I would lose it during the marathon two-hour gift-opening that morning (I had visions of me crying while trapped in the room by piles of gifts, forcing me to sob in front of everyone), but I was OK. I was OK until we (inconveniently) were at someone else's house. And then I lost it. And spent over half an hour sitting in a bedroom and crying. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling... my tears were the only way to express how much I missed Asher & Evan. I am lucky that our family is more than understanding, and no one made a big deal of it. And I was fine the rest of the day. I think I just needed some time to acknowledge and feel the pain, in the midst of all the happiness.
J kept asking me if I "had an OK Christmas" like it really sucked but I managed to get through. I tried to emphasize that Christmas was actually really good. My new normal means that I can spend an hour sobbing, and still have an OK day. I'm (sadly) used to it. If that weren't the case I would be completely insane by now.
::
I'm slowly catching up on blog reading—and will be even slower to catch up on commenting—but I am so thrilled to see all the rainbow pregnancies lately! I am praying for happy, healthy, normal, uneventful pregnancies for each of you.
::
So, the "joy-to-panic-and-back-again" thing. Of course this has to do with Baby 3, who is happily growing in my belly and giving me all kinds of digestive issues. :-) I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, and so thankful to be 16 and a half weeks pregnant with this little one. When I am able to focus on the joy I am moved to tears by how thankful I am. However, it's a daily struggle to focus on the joy over the terror that sneaks into my mind. I've had so many thoughts that I would never voice aloud, but have wanted to share here, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I worry how much time I have left with this baby, and feel like a ticking time bomb. Quick refresher: I was admitted to the hospital at 21 weeks, delivered at 22 and a few days. I was most definitely showing signs of pre-e at my 20-week appointment. So, yeah. Did I mention I'm approaching 17 weeks??? As we get closer to 20 my blood pressure will probably rise just from the stress.
I had lunch with my mom yesterday and we talked about being nervous. She commented that I have to try not to be too nervous, but then said, "But how can you do that? How is that possible? Meditation, what? How do you do it?" I shrugged. I just do. What choice do I have?
Aside from praying and surrendering my worries to God, I haven't found anything else that really helps me calm down. Honestly it helps me to remind myself that I have absolutely no control over how this turns out. I. Have. No. Control. This helps because it allows me to stop dwelling and worrying so much about things. It's wasted energy. All I can do is enjoy each day that I have with this baby. I hope and pray that I will have years with this child, but even if it's only today, I'm striving to be thankful just for that.
::
And lastly, I know that many babyloss moms out there have "goals" that they want to reach in their pregnancies. Whether or not these dates mean anything, it somehow helps to have small victories to reach. Here are the dates I'm praying for. I will be ecstatic to reach any/each of them:
This is silly, but I somehow feel like I'm tempting fate by listing these days. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'm a Christian, so I believe God is in absolute control, and He doesn't work that way. Yet every step I take to "commit" more fully to this pregnancy, I feel a little nervous that I somehow jinxed myself. As Mich.ael Scott would say, "I'm not superstitious... but I am a little stitious."
::
Christmas was really good! We enjoyed seeing family, watching our nephews and niece run around like maniacs all weekend, opening presents, resting, and soaking in the joy of Christmas. Christmas Day itself was a bit tough... I was concerned that I would lose it during the marathon two-hour gift-opening that morning (I had visions of me crying while trapped in the room by piles of gifts, forcing me to sob in front of everyone), but I was OK. I was OK until we (inconveniently) were at someone else's house. And then I lost it. And spent over half an hour sitting in a bedroom and crying. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling... my tears were the only way to express how much I missed Asher & Evan. I am lucky that our family is more than understanding, and no one made a big deal of it. And I was fine the rest of the day. I think I just needed some time to acknowledge and feel the pain, in the midst of all the happiness.
J kept asking me if I "had an OK Christmas" like it really sucked but I managed to get through. I tried to emphasize that Christmas was actually really good. My new normal means that I can spend an hour sobbing, and still have an OK day. I'm (sadly) used to it. If that weren't the case I would be completely insane by now.
::
I'm slowly catching up on blog reading—and will be even slower to catch up on commenting—but I am so thrilled to see all the rainbow pregnancies lately! I am praying for happy, healthy, normal, uneventful pregnancies for each of you.
::
So, the "joy-to-panic-and-back-again" thing. Of course this has to do with Baby 3, who is happily growing in my belly and giving me all kinds of digestive issues. :-) I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, and so thankful to be 16 and a half weeks pregnant with this little one. When I am able to focus on the joy I am moved to tears by how thankful I am. However, it's a daily struggle to focus on the joy over the terror that sneaks into my mind. I've had so many thoughts that I would never voice aloud, but have wanted to share here, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I worry how much time I have left with this baby, and feel like a ticking time bomb. Quick refresher: I was admitted to the hospital at 21 weeks, delivered at 22 and a few days. I was most definitely showing signs of pre-e at my 20-week appointment. So, yeah. Did I mention I'm approaching 17 weeks??? As we get closer to 20 my blood pressure will probably rise just from the stress.
I had lunch with my mom yesterday and we talked about being nervous. She commented that I have to try not to be too nervous, but then said, "But how can you do that? How is that possible? Meditation, what? How do you do it?" I shrugged. I just do. What choice do I have?
Aside from praying and surrendering my worries to God, I haven't found anything else that really helps me calm down. Honestly it helps me to remind myself that I have absolutely no control over how this turns out. I. Have. No. Control. This helps because it allows me to stop dwelling and worrying so much about things. It's wasted energy. All I can do is enjoy each day that I have with this baby. I hope and pray that I will have years with this child, but even if it's only today, I'm striving to be thankful just for that.
::
And lastly, I know that many babyloss moms out there have "goals" that they want to reach in their pregnancies. Whether or not these dates mean anything, it somehow helps to have small victories to reach. Here are the dates I'm praying for. I will be ecstatic to reach any/each of them:
- January 22: the week of my birthday, 20 weeks pregnant.
- February 9: 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. This will be the most pregnant I have ever been, and past the day when we lost the boys.
- February 19: 24 weeks pregnant
This is silly, but I somehow feel like I'm tempting fate by listing these days. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'm a Christian, so I believe God is in absolute control, and He doesn't work that way. Yet every step I take to "commit" more fully to this pregnancy, I feel a little nervous that I somehow jinxed myself. As Mich.ael Scott would say, "I'm not superstitious... but I am a little stitious."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Birthday Recap
Well, we made it. Through their birthday, I mean. The day was about what I expected—tough, with lots of tears, but also sweet in some ways. Here's a recap:
We slept in really late (as late as I possibly could) on Thursday morning, then had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. As we lazed around wondering what to do with ourselves I checked my phone and received a few kind voice mails, emails, and Facebook messages. Cue tears. I was so touched by the responses of family and friends.
For a while we just sat on the couch and cried. We looked at all of their belongings—their tiny blankets and hats, footprints, hospital bracelets, photos, ultrasound pictures. I was glad we hadn't planned too much for the day because I couldn't predict how I would feel or react, or what I'd want to do.
Eventually we got ready for the day, and I put the finishing touches on the blankets and hats I'd crocheted for the hospital (I'll update with photos if I remember). The ones we received when Asher & Evan were born are one of my most treasured possessions. I remember feeling so cared for, that a stranger would take the time to make these items specifically for tiny babies. I plan to donate a set of hats and blankets each year.
After lunch we went to the hospital to donate the hats and blankets. I really wasn't sure how this would go, as it was our first time back there since we left with empty arms on December 18th. But it actually ended up being the most satisfying part of the day! It felt really good to do something in their honor, and to know that another family will benefit from the blankets the way we did. I also felt somewhat resolved and almost empowered walking through the hospital, like Yes, I am here, and I'm not sick. I can do this. We plan to deliver Baby 3 at the same hospital, so it felt good to have some closure before we go back again.
What else can I tell you? Overall the day was very low-key, which was perfect for us. We felt supported by all the messages, gifts, and emails we received, but we spent the entire day by ourselves. No pressure. It was just right.
Although we spent the day alone, I was very concerned that we involve other people in the boys' birthday, and invite them to participate in it in some way. So the week before, we sent out cards with Asher & Evan's footprints on them (again, I'll post pictures later). The cards asked our friends and family to do an act of kindness in their honor and let us know about it. We've gotten a really positive response, and a few "reports" back so far, including donations to charities, a letter to a soldier, and a visit to an elderly relative. People also really liked seeing the footprints, which we printed at actual size. Most people haven't seen photos, so I think they appreciated seeing something of our boys.
As I've said already, I feel a lot of closure and satisfaction with how the day went overall. It was so, so tough, and I dreaded it going in, but by the end I felt OK. We survived, and were reminded by many that our boys are not forgotten.
We slept in really late (as late as I possibly could) on Thursday morning, then had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. As we lazed around wondering what to do with ourselves I checked my phone and received a few kind voice mails, emails, and Facebook messages. Cue tears. I was so touched by the responses of family and friends.
For a while we just sat on the couch and cried. We looked at all of their belongings—their tiny blankets and hats, footprints, hospital bracelets, photos, ultrasound pictures. I was glad we hadn't planned too much for the day because I couldn't predict how I would feel or react, or what I'd want to do.
Eventually we got ready for the day, and I put the finishing touches on the blankets and hats I'd crocheted for the hospital (I'll update with photos if I remember). The ones we received when Asher & Evan were born are one of my most treasured possessions. I remember feeling so cared for, that a stranger would take the time to make these items specifically for tiny babies. I plan to donate a set of hats and blankets each year.
After lunch we went to the hospital to donate the hats and blankets. I really wasn't sure how this would go, as it was our first time back there since we left with empty arms on December 18th. But it actually ended up being the most satisfying part of the day! It felt really good to do something in their honor, and to know that another family will benefit from the blankets the way we did. I also felt somewhat resolved and almost empowered walking through the hospital, like Yes, I am here, and I'm not sick. I can do this. We plan to deliver Baby 3 at the same hospital, so it felt good to have some closure before we go back again.
What else can I tell you? Overall the day was very low-key, which was perfect for us. We felt supported by all the messages, gifts, and emails we received, but we spent the entire day by ourselves. No pressure. It was just right.
Although we spent the day alone, I was very concerned that we involve other people in the boys' birthday, and invite them to participate in it in some way. So the week before, we sent out cards with Asher & Evan's footprints on them (again, I'll post pictures later). The cards asked our friends and family to do an act of kindness in their honor and let us know about it. We've gotten a really positive response, and a few "reports" back so far, including donations to charities, a letter to a soldier, and a visit to an elderly relative. People also really liked seeing the footprints, which we printed at actual size. Most people haven't seen photos, so I think they appreciated seeing something of our boys.
As I've said already, I feel a lot of closure and satisfaction with how the day went overall. It was so, so tough, and I dreaded it going in, but by the end I felt OK. We survived, and were reminded by many that our boys are not forgotten.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Happy News!
Over the past year, I have felt a mixture of emotions like I've never experienced before. Who knew it was possible to feel so many different things at once? But the bitterness of the bitter sometimes makes the sweet all that much sweeter. There is great beauty in contrast.
It's with that intro that I share one of the newest, sweetest things: I am pregnant!
The quick details: I'm 13 weeks and some odd days along. I'm due June 11th. One baby, all looks great so far! You can expect to read a lot more about my shifting emotional state over the next several months as I try to maintain sanity. I am already so in love with this little one, and so thankful for each day with him or her. Thanks for sharing in our excitement!
It's with that intro that I share one of the newest, sweetest things: I am pregnant!
The quick details: I'm 13 weeks and some odd days along. I'm due June 11th. One baby, all looks great so far! You can expect to read a lot more about my shifting emotional state over the next several months as I try to maintain sanity. I am already so in love with this little one, and so thankful for each day with him or her. Thanks for sharing in our excitement!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)