Encouragement

I've been having a lot of trouble lately with my emotions. I've even been questioning God, and doubting His faithfulness. If I'm being 100% honest, I feel disappointed with Him for how things turned out with Asher & Evan. That is a terrifying thing to admit. But I know that God already knows how I feel, and He will be with me through my doubts.

This morning I had a follow up appointment with my eye doctor, and I was reminded that God is there, and He is faithful to me. I have some damage to my retina because of the pre-e, and it has resulted in the loss of a little bit of my central vision. This sounds scary—OK, is scary—but I still have 20/20 vision (with contacts) and the distortion to my retina is very mild (says the doctor). I was reminded today how much worse things could have gotten. How very, very much worse. While I am complaining that I have a couple of spots in my eyes, I should be thanking God that I am not blind. Seriously. I can still read, drive, do my job, etc. Praise God for saving my sight through all of this!

Another encouragement came this morning from a blog I read, by a girl (Kerry) who recently lost her baby girl. I don't know her personally, but I have felt a connection through our similar experiences. She had a great video that lifted my spirits, and reminded me that GOD IS GOD. No matter where I am, no matter my circumstance, God is God. That will not change. I am thankful for the reminder this morning, and the encouragement to keep pressing on. I really needed it, and God knew exactly what I needed today.

Wishin', and Hopin', Plannin' and Dreamin''

Do I dare even "say" this aloud....?

WE ARE GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!!!!

(!!!!!!!)

I am so excited I could scream! We've been thinking about our summer trip for quite a while, and Costa Rica has been in my head as a possible spot to go, after our week at Faith's Lodge. But, we had to wait and see how some things would shake out financially, before we could really determine what kind of vacation we can afford. Well, thanks to a very nice tax refund, we can totally afford to travel to Costa Rica!!!!!!

The idea of going back there practically makes me cry, I love it so much! I've wanted to return ever since I studied there during college. And going back with J so that we can experience it together... it's too awesome to even think about!

I have to admit, as off-the-wall excited as I feel, I am also hesitant to get that excited, because, well... our plans haven't exactly panned out lately (obviously). This may be something to cover in our upcoming counseling sessions. I often feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me. How could I possibly plan for anything, or hope for anything, when the harsh reality that things CAN and DO go wrong has smacked me right in the face? I've always been a worrier, but now I sometimes go around half expecting to trip and fall at any moment. I think that I'm going to die in my sleep. I worry that Jason won't make it home from work. Bad things have happened to me, and I find it challenging to hope and look forward to the good, because my experience has jaded me. It has been a major shock to my system.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16:2-4

Then there's this verse. I would certainly like to think that we committed every aspect of our pregnancy to God... but our plans didn't succeed. So what does that mean? Maybe we didn't fully commit our plans to Him? OR is this a case where His will/plan overrides this verse? I don't know what to think anymore. I am having a lot of trouble with this verse today.

Well, enough of this rambly post. The good news is, a trip to Costa Rica is (Lord willing) in our future! Yay!

Where do we go from here?

There have been a lot of questions floating around our house lately. Lots of soul searching, wondering, dreaming.... It feels like we are kind of directionless right now, and overall pretty dissatisfied with how things are. We thought that our "next step" was to become parents. Well, we became parents, but not in the way we planned. Now that we won't have two new babies at home in April like we thought, (and we can't try again for at least 6 months) we are adrift. Unfocused.

We had a good talk today about some of this, and hopefully will be working to set some real goals in the near future. Honestly, goal-setting has not been our forté in previous years, and I think it's led to some mistakes, and overall lack of direction. Maybe this "in-between time," as I keep calling it, is our wake-up call and opportunity to get it together.

Specifically, the GIANT questions that follow me around are:

What the heck am I/are we supposed to do NOW?

What should we be working toward? How can this time be POSITIVE and worth something, instead of simply treading water?

I really, really want to make something of the next 6 months–year. I don't want to simply live through it, get to the end and say, "well, that was a waste of time." Yes, I am heartbroken and a dream of mine has died, or at least been put on hold. Yes, I am grieving, and healing will take up a lot of energy in the months to come. But I don't want to waste this time by just being, just surviving. I think that would make things worse, almost drag out the grief. And although I have no idea what God has in store for me/us, I know for certain that He doesn't intend for me to waste this time. I know that there is a purpose in it. I just need to find it.