I have wanted to write more often, but I've been busy, and overwhelmed by the sheer number of thoughts that go through my head each day. Literally from joy to panic and back again, with some grief thrown into the middle. Such is my "new normal," I guess. I'm going to attempt some coherent updates, but be warned... this will be a long one!

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Christmas was really good! We enjoyed seeing family, watching our nephews and niece run around like maniacs all weekend, opening presents, resting, and soaking in the joy of Christmas. Christmas Day itself was a bit tough... I was concerned that I would lose it during the marathon two-hour gift-opening that morning (I had visions of me crying while trapped in the room by piles of gifts, forcing me to sob in front of everyone), but I was OK. I was OK until we (inconveniently) were at someone else's house. And then I lost it. And spent over half an hour sitting in a bedroom and crying. I couldn't even put into words what I was feeling... my tears were the only way to express how much I missed Asher & Evan. I am lucky that our family is more than understanding, and no one made a big deal of it. And I was fine the rest of the day. I think I just needed some time to acknowledge and feel the pain, in the midst of all the happiness.

J kept asking me if I "had an OK Christmas" like it really sucked but I managed to get through. I tried to emphasize that Christmas was actually really good. My new normal means that I can spend an hour sobbing, and still have an OK day. I'm (sadly) used to it. If that weren't the case I would be completely insane by now.

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I'm slowly catching up on blog reading—and will be even slower to catch up on commenting—but I am so thrilled to see all the rainbow pregnancies lately! I am praying for happy, healthy, normal, uneventful pregnancies for each of you.

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So, the "joy-to-panic-and-back-again" thing. Of course this has to do with Baby 3, who is happily growing in my belly and giving me all kinds of digestive issues. :-) I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, and so thankful to be 16 and a half weeks pregnant with this little one. When I am able to focus on the joy I am moved to tears by how thankful I am. However, it's a daily struggle to focus on the joy over the terror that sneaks into my mind. I've had so many thoughts that I would never voice aloud, but have wanted to share here, as I'm sure many of you can relate. I worry how much time I have left with this baby, and feel like a ticking time bomb. Quick refresher: I was admitted to the hospital at 21 weeks, delivered at 22 and a few days. I was most definitely showing signs of pre-e at my 20-week appointment. So, yeah. Did I mention I'm approaching 17 weeks??? As we get closer to 20 my blood pressure will probably rise just from the stress.

I had lunch with my mom yesterday and we talked about being nervous. She commented that I have to try not to be too nervous, but then said, "But how can you do that? How is that possible? Meditation, what? How do you do it?" I shrugged. I just do. What choice do I have?

Aside from praying and surrendering my worries to God, I haven't found anything else that really helps me calm down. Honestly it helps me to remind myself that I have absolutely no control over how this turns out. I. Have. No. Control. This helps because it allows me to stop dwelling and worrying so much about things. It's wasted energy. All I can do is enjoy each day that I have with this baby. I hope and pray that I will have years with this child, but even if it's only today, I'm striving to be thankful just for that.


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And lastly, I know that many babyloss moms out there have "goals" that they want to reach in their pregnancies. Whether or not these dates mean anything, it somehow helps to have small victories to reach. Here are the dates I'm praying for. I will be ecstatic to reach any/each of them:

• January 22: the week of my birthday, 20 weeks pregnant.
• February 9: 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. This will be the most pregnant I have ever been, and past the day when we lost the boys.
• February 19: 24 weeks pregnant

I can't even think beyond 24 at this point. If I get to 24 with no pre-e I will be crying and puking and sobbing with joy. (Seriously. Thanks to Baby 3, if I cry too hard I start gagging, and you know what comes next....)

This is silly, but I somehow feel like I'm tempting fate by listing these days. Isn't that weird? I mean, I'm a Christian, so I believe God is in absolute control, and He doesn't work that way. Yet every step I take to "commit" more fully to this pregnancy, I feel a little nervous that I somehow jinxed myself. As Mich.ael Scott would say, "I'm not superstitious... but I am a little stitious."

This Ache (ttc)

So far, fall has been kinda rough for me. I am feeling such opposing emotions all the time, and it's wearing me thin.

By now last year we knew it was twins, and all our families knew. I don't know exactly what week I would have been. I am purposely not figuring it out. My grief most often takes the form of a deep ache. So deep that it feels like it's coming from something outside of me, like something is dragging me down to the center of the earth (cue John Mayer's song "Gravity"... maybe that's why I like that song??).

I am at a loss for words on a regular basis. I've lost the ability to precisely describe anything, let alone my emotions.

And at the same time, there is hope of things to come. Hope of the future, and new beginnings, and another try. And while I am incredibly happy to be at this point, I am sad that we have to be. It's the ultimate happy/sad experience.

The last time I spoke to my mom on the phone (just a brief call to check in) we chatted for a bit, and I was distracted because I was at work. Toward the end of the call she said, "Well, anything else exciting going on?" and there was this pause as her words hung in the air. I wonder how much my family wonders when we'll be pregnant again (we're pretty private about our plans IRL). "Nope, just working," I replied. Nothing exciting going on yet. Maybe there will be soon.

P.S. I've been thinking about this blog lately, and am considering going private again. Of course, any babyloss moms that read would be welcome, and anyone else outside of my family/close friends.

Friday Again

The end of summer is going by so quickly! Actually, the whole summer, even this whole year, is going by so fast.... So many days early in the year were filled with nothingness, simply trying to survive. So many days are a complete blur in my mind. And yet, this year, despite being the most painful of my life, has also held a lot of good (to my surprise).

There is much beauty in the contrast.

I am really looking forward to this weekend! My sister will be in town, and we've got plans for the fair (I am a HUGE fair nerd, and so is she) among other things. I feel actually excited, like I'm looking forward to something. I honestly did not feel that way about anything until our vacation. Now, it's slowly coming back... the feeling that life may have something to offer, after all.

A Long, Random Post on a Friday Evening

I received three comments yesterday when I posted a link to the August 19th Day of Hope site. Two of them I appreciated very much, but the first one pictured above gave me a weird reaction. It's from a close family member who is normally very thoughtful and careful about communication.

When I think of Evan and Asher, I get sad.

I'm sure she meant it in the best way possible, but it honestly put me in a funk from the time I read it. Like, "Yeah, and...?" Does she avoid thinking of Asher & Evan because they make her sad? Is she saying I shouldn't have brought this up because it's sad?

I was very confused by her comment, especially because she is someone who weighs her words so carefully. Was she trying to empathize? I still don't get it at all.

Also, it makes me so, so sad that my children make people sad. I don't need anyone to remind me that it is a sad subject. I have spent more than enough hours sobbing to be well aware. In fact, I spend a great deal of energy trying to remember of them in ways that are less sad. I also don't need anyone to remind me that my speaking of the boys makes people uncomfortable. I am keenly aware that it makes people uncomfortable, and I am constantly fighting an internal battle over how often to mention them and what to say. I already weigh every word for fear of causing awkwardness. I hate that I have to worry about that, and I don't feel like I should have to. And so, this comment irritated me. Hmmph.

Well that's my vent for tonight.

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This evening has been tough. I've had the whole night to myself. Any time I am alone for some time my grief tends to resurface, especially when I'm at home. The silence is deafening. A constant reminder of what is missing. The sounds and chaos of two baby boys. Sweet baby noises as they sleep. Even the crying that would certainly frustrate me at times. How I wish to hear those things.

When I feel overwhlemed by grief I often cope by going through their things, holding their blenkets and hospital bracelets. But tonight I just did not want to do it. I don't want that stuff, I want them. It's a hole that nothing can fill.

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Tomorrow I get to see a friend from out of town and her new baby! I'm excited to meet him, but I know it will be tough. It always is. I hope I can focus on my happiness for her, rather than the ache inside me.

Blargh.

We had to put our family dog to sleep this morning. :-(

My mom is in France right now, so I am the “emergency contact,” and they called me right before I left for work. Poor Ursa had a twisted stomach, which apparently is an emergency thing. So it was either really expensive surgery on a 14-year-old dog, or put her to sleep. So I called my sisters, and we all agreed that it was time. She is really old (especially for a standard poodle) and it was bound to happen soon. I tried to call my mom in France (which is the funny part of the story, because I, the one daughter who does not speak French, called the hotel, and managed to say hello and ask the person if she spoke English. Good thing she did, because that was about the extent of my French knowledge!) So anyways. It is sad. And I’m sad for my mom because she would have liked to be there, and it will be really sad to come home and not have a dog to pick up from the kennel. And I’m really really really busy today but I didn’t get in early like I wanted because I was on the phone taking care of all that. And I’m about to switch my mouse to my left hand because my right hand hurts every time I click the mouse. Blahhh.....

2 Things

1. This morning on the radio they read a list of "Top 10 Classiest Baby Names." Before they even got to the list, I had a feeling one of my babies' names would be on it.

Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.

2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.

I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)

Weekend Recap

Well, the weekend in Newtown went really well! It was so good to see J's family, especially Natalie. We showed her the pictures of Asher and Evan. I cried, of course, but I was so happy to show them, and happy to see my boys again. It's funny, I have that reaction very time I share those photos. It is always difficult, but I love and appreciate any opportunity to show them to others.

Church went OK, too. A couple of comments made me tear up, but other than that people mostly just asked about the weather. We only went to the service, not Sunday school, so that helped, too. Oh, and the baby shower was out of town, and the girl was, too! I was soooo thankful not to have a very pregnant lady sitting behind me during church.

I am so glad the "first time back" is behind us, and I don't have to be anxious about it anymore. And I am so thankful that it went well. God was faithful, and protected me all weekend.

J and I had some good conversations in the car over the weekend, too. We've decided to finally, officially, get our graphic design business going! J even thought of a name: Creatively Paired. We talked about our goals with this business, and it was nice to talk about the future in a hopeful way. The major goal right now, after the obvious goal of making some extra income, is for me to be able to stay home with our kids. This was the first time since the boys were born that we've spoken about kids in a hopeful, positive way. After the boys died, all of our "whens" turned to "ifs." It's nice to be able to even mention the possibility of children, even in a very hypothetical, vague way. I hope that soon we will be able to look forward even more.

I felt better just being out of the house, out of town this weekend. Today, it was back to the real world. Getting back home and back to the office, My pain weighs me down and suffocates me. Any escape, even to Newtown, feels like a chance to breathe.

Pity Party Friday

I'm in kind of a funk today. I've been in a funk for a few days, actually. I should be excited that it's Friday, but I'm not really looking forward to this weekend. We're going to Newtown. Normally I like going to Newtown, and I am looking forward to seeing family. BUT I am not looking forward to the inevitable awkwardness and possible crying that will take place. I am not looking forward to attending church on Sunday, and (I imagine) being bombarded with hugs and platitudes. The chances of hearing some cheesy phrase that will make me angry, rather than help, increases dramatically once we enter the town limits. Ugh. Dread. I hope it goes OK. I mostly hope that I don't make a scene, or burst into tears randomly at some point this weekend.

Dave has an idea to meet with us and go through a book, to help us through this process. I looked at the ones he suggested, and makes me sad that I have to even consider reading a book like this. The titles alone are enough to make anyone depressed: A Silent Sorrow; Empty Cradle, Full Heart; When Your Baby Dies. I mean, jeez. I guess I'm in a cynical mood today, because really, I want to read a book, and I'm sure it will be helpful. But it just sucks that I'm in this position. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, and the point my life is at right now. Maybe this weekend will help me feel better. I hope!

Thursday is OK

Today is going better.

Grandma came over today, and brought lunch. It was so nice to visit with her. I tend to shy away from people lately, but I always feel better after visiting with someone close to me. We went for a walk, and talked a lot, of course. We talked about my illness, and labor, and about the babies' births. I even got through most of it without crying! I told her how important is is to me that people know that their birth was peaceful and clam, and good in a way. I'm glad she knows that.

I really like talking about the boys, and telling the story of their births. I like saying their names, and mentioning them in conversation. I promise I will never shy away from saying their names or talking about their births for fear of making someone uncomfortable. I will always love telling people about my babies, even if it makes me cry.