Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Vacation!!
It's finally here! The vacation we've been hoping for, dreaming about, and desperately needing for many months is finally here!
We have two weeks off of work. Two weeks! I am just beside myself. I haven't had that much time away from work since college. (Well, unless you count my 6 weeks at home after the boys were born, which I certainly don't. I may have been off from work, but that was anything but a vacation.)
We have felt such a need, such a desire to get away from everything, and we feel so blessed that it is actually coming together for us. This vacation feels like a gift—from God, of course, but also from Asher & Evan. In some ways, this trip would not have happened without them. I hope that doesn't sound weird, because I don't mean it that way! But I like to think of it as a gift from them, a way to help us heal. This trip is not only from them, but because of them, and for them. It is time away to focus, relax, heal, and honor our boys. To soak them in, remember them, and cherish their memories. And also to live again, to feel joy, to live life more fully because of, and in honor of them.
bittersweet.
We have two weeks off of work. Two weeks! I am just beside myself. I haven't had that much time away from work since college. (Well, unless you count my 6 weeks at home after the boys were born, which I certainly don't. I may have been off from work, but that was anything but a vacation.)
We have felt such a need, such a desire to get away from everything, and we feel so blessed that it is actually coming together for us. This vacation feels like a gift—from God, of course, but also from Asher & Evan. In some ways, this trip would not have happened without them. I hope that doesn't sound weird, because I don't mean it that way! But I like to think of it as a gift from them, a way to help us heal. This trip is not only from them, but because of them, and for them. It is time away to focus, relax, heal, and honor our boys. To soak them in, remember them, and cherish their memories. And also to live again, to feel joy, to live life more fully because of, and in honor of them.
bittersweet.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
A Letter to Evan
To my little baby Evan,
Oh, sweetheart, how I miss you. You were such a tiny little thing, such a beautiful baby. You were so delicate and perfect.
You showed me your personality even before you were born! You were so active, and blessed me with so many sweet moments during pregnancy. The first kick I felt was from you. I felt you moving inside of me often. One of my favorite memories of us together is in the mornings when I first woke up. Before getting up, I would place my hands on my belly to see if you would move for me. More often than not, you did! Sometimes your brother joined in, too, but you were always my squirmy baby.
Evan, we only shared 4 minutes together outside of my womb, but I treasure every single second that we had together. I gazed at you, and held your tiny body for so long. My sweet little boy.
I imagine that you would have been my mischievous boy, my little rascal. You were smaller, but I think you would have been the tough one, and the trouble maker, between you and Asher. You would have been messy, and loud, and rambunctious as a little boy. You would have gotten in lots of trouble, but you would still be a sweetheart in the end. Evan, I imagine cuddling up with you to read you a story before bed. I imagine teaching you things about the world. You would have been smart, and you and Asher would have made up all kinds of stories and schemes together. Oh, how I miss being able to see you grow up together.
Evan, your name means "God is good." And even though I am heartbroken that you are not here, I praise God that you and Asher are safe and whole in Heaven. I am thankful that in your short life, you only knew love. I can't wait to see you again someday.
I love you, baby,
Mommy
Oh, sweetheart, how I miss you. You were such a tiny little thing, such a beautiful baby. You were so delicate and perfect.
You showed me your personality even before you were born! You were so active, and blessed me with so many sweet moments during pregnancy. The first kick I felt was from you. I felt you moving inside of me often. One of my favorite memories of us together is in the mornings when I first woke up. Before getting up, I would place my hands on my belly to see if you would move for me. More often than not, you did! Sometimes your brother joined in, too, but you were always my squirmy baby.
Evan, we only shared 4 minutes together outside of my womb, but I treasure every single second that we had together. I gazed at you, and held your tiny body for so long. My sweet little boy.
I imagine that you would have been my mischievous boy, my little rascal. You were smaller, but I think you would have been the tough one, and the trouble maker, between you and Asher. You would have been messy, and loud, and rambunctious as a little boy. You would have gotten in lots of trouble, but you would still be a sweetheart in the end. Evan, I imagine cuddling up with you to read you a story before bed. I imagine teaching you things about the world. You would have been smart, and you and Asher would have made up all kinds of stories and schemes together. Oh, how I miss being able to see you grow up together.
Evan, your name means "God is good." And even though I am heartbroken that you are not here, I praise God that you and Asher are safe and whole in Heaven. I am thankful that in your short life, you only knew love. I can't wait to see you again someday.
I love you, baby,
Mommy
A Letter to Asher
To my baby Asher,
My firstborn. Asher, you are so loved and so missed. I remember when I first laid eyes on you, it was love at first sight. I was filled with so much joy and pride, even in the midst of tragic circumstances. Despite the pain of the outcome, all I felt was love for you, more than I ever knew was possible for one person to feel.
Asher, you were a fighter, and I bet you would have been a typical oldest child in many ways. Maybe you would have been bossy, like I was. Maybe you would have had your daddy's strong, gentle personality. I bet you would have been creative. Maybe you would have played guitar, and followed in your dad's footsteps. I know that you would have been a great brother to Evan. I imagine that the two of you would have come up with all kinds of games and plans together.
You made quite the dramatic entrance into this world! You lived for almost an hour, and even kicked when you were born. The nurses were all surprised at your strength. One of my favorite memories of you is when I held you for the first time and you grabbed my finger. My baby, my love. You knew me, and I knew you.
Another memory we shared is when your daddy held your tiny little foot, and said that it looked like mine. You were so beautiful, with your tiny little hands and feet, and the beginnings of fine little eyebrows. You had your daddy's mouth. Asher, you were absolutely perfect.
Asher, I am so lucky to have had you. I am blessed to call you my son. I am grateful for the time we spent together. You will always be my oldest child, and I hold a special place in my heart for you alone.
I love you, I miss you,
Mommy
My firstborn. Asher, you are so loved and so missed. I remember when I first laid eyes on you, it was love at first sight. I was filled with so much joy and pride, even in the midst of tragic circumstances. Despite the pain of the outcome, all I felt was love for you, more than I ever knew was possible for one person to feel.
Asher, you were a fighter, and I bet you would have been a typical oldest child in many ways. Maybe you would have been bossy, like I was. Maybe you would have had your daddy's strong, gentle personality. I bet you would have been creative. Maybe you would have played guitar, and followed in your dad's footsteps. I know that you would have been a great brother to Evan. I imagine that the two of you would have come up with all kinds of games and plans together.
You made quite the dramatic entrance into this world! You lived for almost an hour, and even kicked when you were born. The nurses were all surprised at your strength. One of my favorite memories of you is when I held you for the first time and you grabbed my finger. My baby, my love. You knew me, and I knew you.
Another memory we shared is when your daddy held your tiny little foot, and said that it looked like mine. You were so beautiful, with your tiny little hands and feet, and the beginnings of fine little eyebrows. You had your daddy's mouth. Asher, you were absolutely perfect.
Asher, I am so lucky to have had you. I am blessed to call you my son. I am grateful for the time we spent together. You will always be my oldest child, and I hold a special place in my heart for you alone.
I love you, I miss you,
Mommy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
"The Scientist" by Coldplay
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m going back to the start
Thursday, March 25, 2010
2 Things
1. This morning on the radio they read a list of "Top 10 Classiest Baby Names." Before they even got to the list, I had a feeling one of my babies' names would be on it.
Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.
2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.
I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)
Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.
2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.
I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Good Day Sunshine
Today has been a really good day. It's a nice contrast to most weekends, when grief seems to hit harder than during the week. I feel good today—kind of a foreign feeling, but I'll take it.
J and I have spent the whole day together. This morning he worked on freelance while I started a Cuban stew in the crock pot. In the afternoon we went for a nice long walk. Then we did some errands, including finding a thrift store book for me to use for collages. I've had lots of ideas floating around in my head, so I'm glad that some of them can now be realized. We also bought a steam mop (thrill!) which promises to revolutionize the way we clean our floors.
This afternoon we also had a nice rendezvous, which was unexpected and GREAT, and in addition to time spent together last night. That alone would make me one happy girl. :-)
The stew turned out well, and we've just been hanging around the house tonight. J doesn't have to get up early tomorrow, so things feel nice and relaxed. I made my first collage, after the song "Stop and Stare." It feels good to 1) do something creative and 2) express my feelings in a different/artistic way.
That's about it! It may be two steps forward, one step back, but I am so thankful for those tiny steps forward. God is good.
J and I have spent the whole day together. This morning he worked on freelance while I started a Cuban stew in the crock pot. In the afternoon we went for a nice long walk. Then we did some errands, including finding a thrift store book for me to use for collages. I've had lots of ideas floating around in my head, so I'm glad that some of them can now be realized. We also bought a steam mop (thrill!) which promises to revolutionize the way we clean our floors.
This afternoon we also had a nice rendezvous, which was unexpected and GREAT, and in addition to time spent together last night. That alone would make me one happy girl. :-)
The stew turned out well, and we've just been hanging around the house tonight. J doesn't have to get up early tomorrow, so things feel nice and relaxed. I made my first collage, after the song "Stop and Stare." It feels good to 1) do something creative and 2) express my feelings in a different/artistic way.
That's about it! It may be two steps forward, one step back, but I am so thankful for those tiny steps forward. God is good.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day!
We just got home from and absolutely FANTASTIC Valentine's Day/Getaway weekend in Minneapolis. Fantastic. It was so good, and so good for my heart. I have felt more happy this weekend than I have since we lost the boys.
We started out on Friday with a 60-minute couples' massage... can I tell you how much I needed a massage? Wow. It was so relaxing, and made me feel good to know that J was being pampered and relaxing at the same time. Then we checked into our hotel and relaxed until dinner. Dinner was at Zelo on the Nicollet Mall. I had an amazing whole grain risotto, with asparagus and peppers and goat cheese. Mmm..... We shared a blueberry cobbler with lemon sorbet for dessert. SO GOOD.
On Saturday we slept in, then went the the Guthrie for a play at 1. We saw "Brief Encounter," a romantic comedy/drama/musical, put on by a touring company from London. We had selected this play on a whim (and because it was the only thing worth seeing all weekend), and it turned out to be really impressive! It employed video and other multimedia effects to make the play much more conceptual and interesting than a simple read-through. The acting was great, the story was compelling, and it was all-around very entertaining. It was one of those plays that you talk about for a while afterwards. I like that.
Saturday afternoon after the play was wonderful, just hanging around the hotel, relaxing, etc. Then we had dinner at the Nicollet Island Inn. I was a little worried when we arrived, because it was really busy, and they were only serving their Valentine's menu, which included ahi tuna (ick) and mushroom bisque (gag). BUT, it was really an amazing meal! I never should have doubted the Inn. I even tried and enjoyed the mushroom bisque! The entrees were salmon and tenderloin, dessert was various choclate petit fours. The menu went together so well... every flavor in each course seemed to bring out flavors in the other foods. I couldn't get over how well-conceived the whole meal was. Of course, that's what they pay the chef to do. :-) Over dinner we talked about past Valentine's Days, and our past... including when I liked J sooo much and he had no idea. Dinner was very romantic and sweet, and it was fun to reminisce together.
Today has been completely wonderful from the time I woke up this morning! J has been so sweet and romantic. We had brunch at Hell's Kitchen, which was really yummy... their potatoes are insanely good! There was some live music, and the atmosphere was very entertaining overall. :-)
And now we are back home, and my heart feels so full. More than it has in a while. This weekend has reminded me of God's love for me, and His faithfulness. My marriage to J is one of the biggest examples of that, and one of the best gifts God has given me. J gave me a card that made me cry. It said something about for better or worse, and sticking together in the hard times. I feel very blessed. And I feel like God had been saying all weekend, "Remember how great your life is? Remember how much you love this man? All is not lost, because I love you, and I will not leave you." God is good. I know that is true. What a wonderful weekend.
Tonight we are going over to meet baby Toby. I hope that my high from the weekend can sustain me enough to be happy for the entire visit. I am really, truly, excited to meet him. I hope that my joy for them can come through, instead of my sadness for our loss. But I'm feeling really great right now, so fingers crossed that it lasts!
We started out on Friday with a 60-minute couples' massage... can I tell you how much I needed a massage? Wow. It was so relaxing, and made me feel good to know that J was being pampered and relaxing at the same time. Then we checked into our hotel and relaxed until dinner. Dinner was at Zelo on the Nicollet Mall. I had an amazing whole grain risotto, with asparagus and peppers and goat cheese. Mmm..... We shared a blueberry cobbler with lemon sorbet for dessert. SO GOOD.
On Saturday we slept in, then went the the Guthrie for a play at 1. We saw "Brief Encounter," a romantic comedy/drama/musical, put on by a touring company from London. We had selected this play on a whim (and because it was the only thing worth seeing all weekend), and it turned out to be really impressive! It employed video and other multimedia effects to make the play much more conceptual and interesting than a simple read-through. The acting was great, the story was compelling, and it was all-around very entertaining. It was one of those plays that you talk about for a while afterwards. I like that.
Saturday afternoon after the play was wonderful, just hanging around the hotel, relaxing, etc. Then we had dinner at the Nicollet Island Inn. I was a little worried when we arrived, because it was really busy, and they were only serving their Valentine's menu, which included ahi tuna (ick) and mushroom bisque (gag). BUT, it was really an amazing meal! I never should have doubted the Inn. I even tried and enjoyed the mushroom bisque! The entrees were salmon and tenderloin, dessert was various choclate petit fours. The menu went together so well... every flavor in each course seemed to bring out flavors in the other foods. I couldn't get over how well-conceived the whole meal was. Of course, that's what they pay the chef to do. :-) Over dinner we talked about past Valentine's Days, and our past... including when I liked J sooo much and he had no idea. Dinner was very romantic and sweet, and it was fun to reminisce together.
Today has been completely wonderful from the time I woke up this morning! J has been so sweet and romantic. We had brunch at Hell's Kitchen, which was really yummy... their potatoes are insanely good! There was some live music, and the atmosphere was very entertaining overall. :-)
And now we are back home, and my heart feels so full. More than it has in a while. This weekend has reminded me of God's love for me, and His faithfulness. My marriage to J is one of the biggest examples of that, and one of the best gifts God has given me. J gave me a card that made me cry. It said something about for better or worse, and sticking together in the hard times. I feel very blessed. And I feel like God had been saying all weekend, "Remember how great your life is? Remember how much you love this man? All is not lost, because I love you, and I will not leave you." God is good. I know that is true. What a wonderful weekend.
Tonight we are going over to meet baby Toby. I hope that my high from the weekend can sustain me enough to be happy for the entire visit. I am really, truly, excited to meet him. I hope that my joy for them can come through, instead of my sadness for our loss. But I'm feeling really great right now, so fingers crossed that it lasts!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)