Today I am 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway there! This is huge. HUGE. And what is more exciting is that I am 20 weeks pregnant with NO signs of pre-eclampsia! Woo hoo! When I was pregnant with Asher & Evan, I was most definitely sick by 20 weeks, although I was not hospitalized until 21 weeks. So this is a really big deal. I feel very, very blessed.
Before I even got pregnant I said that I would be thrilled to be pregnant on my birthday. Well, it was my birthday on Thursday, and not only am I still pregnant, but we had our ultrasound! AND... (drumroll) discovered that we are having a 100% healthy baby girl!! AND... my placenta looks great and totally normal, as far as blood flow and everything. (For those not familiar with pre-e, it is thought to originate with poor implantation of the placenta... which would possibly show up in the blood flow, etc right now) The doctor gave me the most hopeful prognosis I've received yet, and actually said that she doesn't "expect" anything to happen (although I will be watched very closely). I have been walking around feeling like disaster was imminent, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. So to have a doctor tell me that I can relax a little (little) bit is practically life-changing. I'm not kidding. The weight off my heart/soul/shoulders is immense. Don't get me wrong, I will still be fairly nervous. But today, for the first time, I actually looked at nursery stuff online. I couldn't even think about that kind of thing before Thursday. All I could think was "Is this my last week being pregnant? How many days do I have left?"
Those that haven't lost a child might think that I'm overdoing it a bit with the excitement of finding out I'm carrying a healthy girl. Some may think "Of course it's a healthy baby, why wouldn't it be?" Indeed. Unfortunately too many of us know all too well that you can't take these things for granted. Not a bit. And if there is one gift I can say that my experience has given me, it is that I will not take a single day with this baby for granted.
I am so, so thankful.
Showing posts with label Thankful Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thankful Thursday. Show all posts
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thankful Thursday
Last week I had my annual performance review at work. I've worked for my company for almost 4 years, and I really enjoy my job. Like every job it has good days and bad days, and plenty of things to vent about. But overall I work at a great company with great people, and I love what I do.
So, my review. I'm always nervous going into a review. But I was particularly nervous this time because this past year has been such a roller coaster. At best it's been filled with doctors appointments and odd hours, both before and after my pregnancy. At worst, I was unexpectedly out of the office for 8 weeks, while hospitalized, and after the boys were born. Granted, I knew my boss wouldn't hold any of that against me. But on top of it all, I have been distracted (putting it mildly) and feel that I've lost much of my focus this year (with good reason, but still).
Well, long story short, my review went really well! As it turns out, I have met all of the goals I set at last year's review, and grown in my job, amazingly. I know it's only through God's grace that I've done so. I honestly feel like I've been phoning it in until just a couple months ago, and I still feel that way sometimes. So... yeah. God is good, for protecting my job and helping me succeed in the midst of grief. And I am thankful for that.
So, my review. I'm always nervous going into a review. But I was particularly nervous this time because this past year has been such a roller coaster. At best it's been filled with doctors appointments and odd hours, both before and after my pregnancy. At worst, I was unexpectedly out of the office for 8 weeks, while hospitalized, and after the boys were born. Granted, I knew my boss wouldn't hold any of that against me. But on top of it all, I have been distracted (putting it mildly) and feel that I've lost much of my focus this year (with good reason, but still).
Well, long story short, my review went really well! As it turns out, I have met all of the goals I set at last year's review, and grown in my job, amazingly. I know it's only through God's grace that I've done so. I honestly feel like I've been phoning it in until just a couple months ago, and I still feel that way sometimes. So... yeah. God is good, for protecting my job and helping me succeed in the midst of grief. And I am thankful for that.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thankful Thursday
For Mother's Day my friend D sent me a Mother's Day card. It would have been more than enough that she remembered me, and even took the time to find an appropriate card (several people have told me how hard it is to find a Mother's Day card for a BLM, which I understand, but I also appreciate the extra effort). But she did more than that. She crocheted two tiny little hats and two precious little blankets in honor of the boys.
When Asher & Evan were born, the nurses found cute little knit hats and blankets for them to wear. Someone I didn't know had taken the time to make those tiny little things for my boys. It touched me so much that someone else thought of me, and other women delivering very premature babies with nothing for them to wear. The grace of that gift was immeasurable. Those blankets and hats are some of my most treasured possessions. When I need to be with my boys I hold the blankets, and feel their softness. It's as close to them as I can get.
I am so thankful for D, and her thoughtfulness with this gift. I am eager to send the blankets on to the hospital, so they can be given to another family. I hate to think of anyone going through the same thing I did, but sadly I know that it happens. And I hope these blankets from a dear friend will provide a tiny bit of comfort to someone who needs all the grace they can get.
When Asher & Evan were born, the nurses found cute little knit hats and blankets for them to wear. Someone I didn't know had taken the time to make those tiny little things for my boys. It touched me so much that someone else thought of me, and other women delivering very premature babies with nothing for them to wear. The grace of that gift was immeasurable. Those blankets and hats are some of my most treasured possessions. When I need to be with my boys I hold the blankets, and feel their softness. It's as close to them as I can get.
I am so thankful for D, and her thoughtfulness with this gift. I am eager to send the blankets on to the hospital, so they can be given to another family. I hate to think of anyone going through the same thing I did, but sadly I know that it happens. And I hope these blankets from a dear friend will provide a tiny bit of comfort to someone who needs all the grace they can get.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
As the Day Approaches....
I really didn't think this week would be so hard.
I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.
Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.
Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!
And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.
This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.
I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.
Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.
Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!
And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.
This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
2 Things
1. This morning on the radio they read a list of "Top 10 Classiest Baby Names." Before they even got to the list, I had a feeling one of my babies' names would be on it.
Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.
2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.
I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)
Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.
2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.
I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Well, it's Thursday again. Sometimes I feel myself waiting, just killing time each day. I catch myself in the evenings, just kind of "waiting it out" until I can go to bed. Often times I would be perfectly content to sit and do nothing until the day is over. I don't often have any particular excitement or anticipation of the next day, it just "is." This is a feeling I do not like, and when I notice it I try to make myself do something, to make the day worthwhile. But I've noticed that feeling cropping up more often lately. Something to watch out for, for sure. I don't want to let the months just pass me by, without feeling or enjoying anything in particular. A quick look back through my entries on this blog shows me that, yes, I do in fact have days that I feel joy and happiness. So that's good. If I ever get to a point where I have this feeling for weeks, I will know there is a problem. If nothing else, this blog will be useful to keep track of/monitor my spiral into insanity—ha.
In honor of Thankful Thursday, today I am thankful to be alive. No further explanation is needed, I'm sure. But I read some preeclampisa stories this morning, and it is breathtakingly terrifying how similar some of the stories are to mine, except those women died. God was surely watching out for me and preserving my life, because there were many, many opportunities for my illness to get out of control. I could have had a seizure while driving to the clinic to check my BP. Heck I could have ignored my instinct and not even had it checked! Then what? I shudder to think of it. I could have gotten much, much sicker, much, much faster. I could have bled to death. Honestly, I know I've talked about this before and I don't want to be a broken record, BUT I am so lucky to be alive. SO LUCKY. Surely God saved my life for a reason. He must have a plan and a purpose for me. I will praise Him as long as I live!
In honor of Thankful Thursday, today I am thankful to be alive. No further explanation is needed, I'm sure. But I read some preeclampisa stories this morning, and it is breathtakingly terrifying how similar some of the stories are to mine, except those women died. God was surely watching out for me and preserving my life, because there were many, many opportunities for my illness to get out of control. I could have had a seizure while driving to the clinic to check my BP. Heck I could have ignored my instinct and not even had it checked! Then what? I shudder to think of it. I could have gotten much, much sicker, much, much faster. I could have bled to death. Honestly, I know I've talked about this before and I don't want to be a broken record, BUT I am so lucky to be alive. SO LUCKY. Surely God saved my life for a reason. He must have a plan and a purpose for me. I will praise Him as long as I live!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Birthday Bucks, among other things
This morning I was listening to KS95 as I got ready for work. Today was the start of "Birthday Bucks Thursday," where they call out a birthday at 8:20 and if it's yours and you're the first caller, you get $1000. So of course I was listening, just in case it was mine!
And what birthday did they call? No, not mine. April 18th. Of course. Why wouldn't it be April 18th, the boy's due date? It didn't upset me, but caught me off-guard. There have been several times where little things like that pop up and remind me (not that I ever really forget). It feels like the world stops for a brief moment. I can never decide if I'm upset, or happy, or what. Moments like this seem to stun me, and I am unable to think or act for a few seconds.
The first time I baked after the boys were born, I cracked an egg and it had two yolks.
Last week I worked on a book for a coworker, and the first sentence was "Hi, I'm James. I have a twin brother!"
I just remembered that today is Thankful Thursday... so I guess I am thankful for these little reminders (today, at least—it depends on the day, for sure). I am thankful for the moments when something happens and I am reminded of my boys in a non-sad way. Like if they were here, I would say, "Look, boys! This egg has two yolks! These chickens would have been twins, just like you!"
And what birthday did they call? No, not mine. April 18th. Of course. Why wouldn't it be April 18th, the boy's due date? It didn't upset me, but caught me off-guard. There have been several times where little things like that pop up and remind me (not that I ever really forget). It feels like the world stops for a brief moment. I can never decide if I'm upset, or happy, or what. Moments like this seem to stun me, and I am unable to think or act for a few seconds.
The first time I baked after the boys were born, I cracked an egg and it had two yolks.
Last week I worked on a book for a coworker, and the first sentence was "Hi, I'm James. I have a twin brother!"
I just remembered that today is Thankful Thursday... so I guess I am thankful for these little reminders (today, at least—it depends on the day, for sure). I am thankful for the moments when something happens and I am reminded of my boys in a non-sad way. Like if they were here, I would say, "Look, boys! This egg has two yolks! These chickens would have been twins, just like you!"
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friends
I am so thankful for my friends, and the ways they have loved and supported me through this experience. I am also thankful that they keep pursuing me lately while I'm in a decidedly antisocial phase. Melissa calls regularly, just to check in. BJ is so good at knowing what I need at any given moment, whether it's a funny YouTube video, or some heartfelt encouragement. Michelle emailed the other day to see if I want to get together. Michelle, who has a newborn at home, is thinking of me. How humbling that is!
I spent some time with Katie last night, and we mostly chatted about lighter topics, and the cuteness of her new puppy. But as I was leaving, she told me that she really want to hear about my boys sometime, whenever I want. And she told me that she considers them her adopted nephews. Well, of course I lost it completely. It brings me so much comfort and JOY to have others mention my boys, without my bringing it up. I feel so blessed whenever someone tells me that they want to hear about them. I can't even explain how much it means to me.
I spent some time with Katie last night, and we mostly chatted about lighter topics, and the cuteness of her new puppy. But as I was leaving, she told me that she really want to hear about my boys sometime, whenever I want. And she told me that she considers them her adopted nephews. Well, of course I lost it completely. It brings me so much comfort and JOY to have others mention my boys, without my bringing it up. I feel so blessed whenever someone tells me that they want to hear about them. I can't even explain how much it means to me.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Random Thoughts on a Thursday
Some updates...
- This has been a week of lots of "good talks" with J. Tuesday we spoke over lunch while I was having such a hard time. He said that he's been having dreams about the boys lately. In one, it was the end of the world, and some people were being saved from disaster, while others were not. He saw our boys in someone's arms and knew that they were "safe." I am desperately trying to find what little good can come from what has happened, and I think one thing is that we are more honest with each other. We talk more, share more. We are closer than we were before, and I hope that our marriage will be better for it.
- We are going to do Weight Watchers together! Crazy, huh? I've never really tried to lose weight before, and certainly not this much (15-18 pounds). But I think it will be so good for us. The thing that attracted me to WW is that it's more about learning how to eat, rather than dieting. I want to make lasting changes to my eating habits. We start on Sunday, and I'm really excited for it! I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about how things progress.
- Work has been crazy! Not a whole lot else to say, but I have been doing much more "managing" than I realized I would be upon my return to work. I really enjoy it, but it's very challenging!
- Speaking of work, I really hope J decides to look for another job soon. His job is so rough on him, and I want him to be happy, and doing something he enjoys. It's been 3 years, and the situation has not improved. The job market really stinks right now, so who knows if he'd find something anytime soon. But I'm hoping that he will at least feel compelled to begin a search in the near future.
- Also related to J, I am praying often for him to find success. In another of our chats recently he expressed that he hasn't felt BIG success in quite a while. That can be so wearing for anyone, probably more so for a man. He's had little things here and there, but he really needs (and deserves!) a big win in his life. Maybe our WW adventure can be a big win for him??
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Thankful Thursday
What a difference a good night's sleep can make! I felt so wonderfully rested when I woke up this morning, better than I have felt in days. I don't think I woke up a single time last night...ahhhhh. I am thankful for that.
J and I had a good talk last night. First, about seeing a grief counselor. I think it would be good for us. We are both dealing with so much, I can see it becoming too wearing for us to try and constantly hold each other up. J does a great job of being there for me on tough days, and I hope he can say the same about me... but what about days when we both feel like crap? I hope that it will help ease our burden, and help us process everything. Amazingly, this morning I found a Christian counselor in Apple Valley who specializes in infant/pregnancy loss. That seems like a a rare combination, so I hope she works out for us! I am thankful that God is taking care of us by directing us to a Christian counseling group that is so close to home.
We also talked about birth control. Long story short, I am not comfortable staying on the mini-pill. Since starting it I've done some research, and learned that it may prevent implantation as a contraceptive action. I don't know exactly what I think about when life begins (fertilization vs. implantation), BUT I do know that I have felt very uneasy about taking this pill. I think God is convicting me that we need to try something else, so as soon as I finish this pack we'll be trying out the sponge, in addition to condoms.
From this conversation I learned that J feels the need to use a condom right now, regardless of what else we are using. Mentally, it gives him reassurance that we won't be getting pregnant any time soon. This is a good thing for me to know. More news about birth control as it develops, I'm sure....
Also about this pill: I hate it! I have had my period twice in the past month, and had some random bleeding today. I am praying that I don't have any bleeding this weekend! We have such a great weekend in Minneapolis planned, and I'm hoping for some quality time. :-)
(I've been thinking for a while about creating Thankful Thursdays on my blog. I know that not every Thursday will be a good day, but the hope is that I can find at least one thing to be grateful for each week. Today worked out well for that, coincidentally. And I am thankful for that, too.)
J and I had a good talk last night. First, about seeing a grief counselor. I think it would be good for us. We are both dealing with so much, I can see it becoming too wearing for us to try and constantly hold each other up. J does a great job of being there for me on tough days, and I hope he can say the same about me... but what about days when we both feel like crap? I hope that it will help ease our burden, and help us process everything. Amazingly, this morning I found a Christian counselor in Apple Valley who specializes in infant/pregnancy loss. That seems like a a rare combination, so I hope she works out for us! I am thankful that God is taking care of us by directing us to a Christian counseling group that is so close to home.
We also talked about birth control. Long story short, I am not comfortable staying on the mini-pill. Since starting it I've done some research, and learned that it may prevent implantation as a contraceptive action. I don't know exactly what I think about when life begins (fertilization vs. implantation), BUT I do know that I have felt very uneasy about taking this pill. I think God is convicting me that we need to try something else, so as soon as I finish this pack we'll be trying out the sponge, in addition to condoms.
From this conversation I learned that J feels the need to use a condom right now, regardless of what else we are using. Mentally, it gives him reassurance that we won't be getting pregnant any time soon. This is a good thing for me to know. More news about birth control as it develops, I'm sure....
Also about this pill: I hate it! I have had my period twice in the past month, and had some random bleeding today. I am praying that I don't have any bleeding this weekend! We have such a great weekend in Minneapolis planned, and I'm hoping for some quality time. :-)
(I've been thinking for a while about creating Thankful Thursdays on my blog. I know that not every Thursday will be a good day, but the hope is that I can find at least one thing to be grateful for each week. Today worked out well for that, coincidentally. And I am thankful for that, too.)
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