Dreams & Church

I had a dream about the babies last night. It's the first time that real life has infiltrated my sleep.

In my dream it was Sunday morning, and J was getting ready to leave for church (as he did IRL). I was still in bed, but then I heard a baby cry, and realized that J had a baby to care for, too. And I thought, I should get up and help him, because we still have one of our babies! But as I got up to find the baby, the cries faded away, and I slowly realized that no, we lost both of them. We don't have any babies.

When I woke up I felt so sad, I almost considered skipping church again. But I made myself go. I can't hide out forever, although I want to. Attending service by myself is so difficult. J isn't far away, and joins me once he's done with music. But it's all I can do not to burst into tears during the first half of service. Perhaps it's because on those mornings I am alone with my thoughts. Thoughts that automatically, unconsciously, are always about my boys. And then a song will hit me especially hard, or a pregnant woman will sit too close, and BAM! I am standing there crying during worship. I cry every time I go to church, during and/or after. I wish I could just attend service like a normal person, and smile and be happy.