It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to

I am 28 today.

I don't think there's any possible way to make this not the worst birthday ever, but I am valiantly trying to at least not be a mess all day. I went to Caribou for my free drink, and hung out there for a while. Then I wandered over to the nail salon and got a mani and pedi. That was fun...ish..... Honestly I can't really muster up any excitement for anything today. The most I can achieve is distraction, and I guess a little pampering doesn't hurt, either. However, despite my (and others') best efforts, I have already cried more than once today.

It's just so unfair. It's not only today that sucks so much, it's thinking of all the things that my 28th year will not bring. All the things that were supposed to happen this year, that won't. Of how awesomely great this birthday would have been if I were still pregnant. I would be 26 weeks, and looking forward to my shower this weekend. But instead this year is The Year of No Babies. A year where I have no idea what will happen, only what will not.

I hope that better times are ahead, and this year won't suck all the way through. I sincerely want to be happy again. But it's hard to imagine right now. It's hard to imagine not having this feeling of limbo, emptiness, and loss. I feel lost. I don't know what God has in store for me this year, or what He would have me do. I don't know how to make this year "worth it." All I can manage these days is getting out of bed.

I feel bad, because everyone is trying so hard to make me happy, and it's like I will have none of it. J has gone shopping and keeps saying how excited he is for my presents... and all I can muster up is a smile. I am not excited. And I feel bad. Everyone's effort is wasted on me. Well, maybe not, because if no one wished me happy birthday or gave me gifts, I would probably feel worse. At the very least I do feel loved today. But I can't really handle all the calls from people, being extra cheery in hopes that it will rub off on me. My goal for today is just to survive my birthday... and also not make any scenes in public. Sounds like a great time, doesn't it?

ETA: My birthday got better as the afternoon/evening went on. Dinner was fun, and J absolutely spoiled me with gifts. I felt very loved. Not to say I didn't spent half an hour sobbing in the nursery... cuz I did. BUT my husband is such a blessing, and really helped to make the day special and not horrible. Love him. <3