Social Security Cards

Me again.

I am having a really hard time today, for some reason. M was going to come over, but I canceled on her. I just didn't feel up to it. I went for a walk, hoping that would cheer me up, but here I sit, in tears. Again.

I am SO ready to not cry every. single. day. Heck, at this point I'd settle for not sobbing every day. I could handle a few tears... but I could do without completely losing it, which happens more days than not.

I went into the babies' room to look at their things again. I've gone in there every day this week. It's funny, for the first few weeks I couldn't even bring myself to look at the door to their room. But I went in for the first time, and spent a while looking at all of their things, and it was comforting, in a way. Even though I cry every time (still crying now), I love looking at their perfect little handprints and footprints, the blankets they were received in, the paper with their birth times and weights. All of the things that bear THEIR NAMES. Today when I went in there was something new among the collection: their Social Security cards. I didn't even know they would get those! But my baby boys have Social Security cards, and numbers. That's the ultimate proof of their lives, if they exist in the eyes of the U.S. government, right?

It always bothers me when someone uses the word "miscarriage" in reference to my pregnancy. I appreciate people trying to relate, and I know that miscarriages are all too common. I don't mind when someone uses their miscarriage to try and relate to me. But DO NOT call my loss a micarriage. My boys have Social Security cards! I did NOT miscarry. I gave birth to them. They lived! I witnessed their entire lives on this earth. No offense intended to anyone who has suffered the pain of a miscarriage, I do not mean to minimize that loss in any way. But saying I had a miscarriage minimizes my loss, and the lives of my sons.

It's probably a good thing that this blog is private for now.