When I was pregnant, I absolutely loved any mention of pregnancy, babies, or the current baby boom at our church. I felt so special to be part of that club. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, the pregnancy/baby stuff seems all the more pronounced, and hard to deal with.
Yesterday at church was a doozy. During the prayers for the church, they highlighted expectant mothers and the "little miracles" they are carrying. Totally appropriate since about a million women recently have had, or are about to have new babies. I used to be one of them. And I loved being prayed for by my church. Now it's just a reminder that I am no longer in "the club." This whole generation of kids will grow up together, never knowing that two of their friends are missing.
Two babies were born last week, so there were two roses on the communion table. Just like there were two roses when our boys were born, only we didn't get to keep our babies like those two lucky families.
And last but not least, it was Sanctity of Life Sunday, which meant a presentation about the crisis pregnancy center. I couldn't even watch the video, full of pregnant ladies, little kids, and a video showing the development of a baby in the womb. That development clip about killed me, thinking about where my boys were in the continuum. I felt a little bit of bitterness about all the women who get pregnant and don't want their babies, don't realize what an incredible miracle they are. All the women who have the luxury of taking pregnancy and babies for granted.
After we left church, J commented that it felt like pregnancy stuff is EVERYWHERE. He felt overwhelmed by it all. I was comforted to know that he can relate, and feels the effects of all this baby stuff, too. I'm not the only one fighting off bitterness toward one of the happiest events of life. I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, but right now it feels nearly impossible. I'm happy for them, just sad for me.
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