Not thinking positively today....

I told myself that I wouldn't blog at work.

But right now it feels like I can't make myself do anything else. Work has been "good" overall, but it is SO stinkin' hard to not have the luxury of thinking about my boys whenever I want to. I can't think about them any old time, because I have other things I should be thinking about, projects to work on, deadlines to meet. I can't just cry any time I want, either, so the thinking has to be kept to a minimum.

I am impossible to please. When I'm crying, I am so sick of crying. I want to be distracted, to have even a moment where my mind is not consumed with grief and pain. Now that I'm back at work, all I want to do is go home and think about Asher and Evan all day. I miss them.

Really what it boils down to is that I am SO. TIRED. So tired of feeling this way. I am trapped in my own life. Not that I don't want to be alive, because I do, and I am happy to be here still.* But I am trapped in a really sucky version of my life. There is no escaping your own circumstances.

*Side note: Every time I complain about my life, I feel the need to have the disclaimer that I'm really still glad to be here. I realize that I should be thankful to be alive, and I recognize that I probably sound very ungrateful for it. So I have this need to offer a disclaimer to God, that I'm aware that He saved my life in all of this. It makes me feel like a jerk, that I can't be more grateful sometimes. But this is a topic for another day.