I'm feeling kind of depressed today, just in a funk. There's not really one good reason for it—I'm just having a down day. Sad about the news about Courtney, sad that there are oodles of women out there dealing with the loss of a child (or children). I am comforted by the sense of community in blog world, but I'm sad that we're all here.
I've always been somewhat hyper-vigilant about my health, always thinking there is something wrong with me. Sometimes it gets laughably ridiculous, the things I might imagine myself having in a given day. Diabetes, MS, arthritis, cancer, tumors, etc, etc, etc.... The list goes on, and really is kind of silly. But since we lost the boys it's only gotten worse. I worry about every little ache and pain, and I wonder if it's grief-related, recovery-from-pre-e-related, or truly a problem? I second guess myself constantly. The past day or so my breasts have been achy. This could be nothing, or something to do with my cycle, or.... what? I get more frequent headaches now. Is there something wrong with my brain? I think I pulled a muscle in my chest recently, which has led to minor chest discomfort, which of COURSE I think is a heart attack.
So what is all this? Am I just a nutcase to be having all these physical issues? I've always been a very healthy person until I got pre-e. Now, nothing is certain. I feel like a ticking time bomb.
I need to feel more confident in my body before I can try to get pregnant again. But it's hard to know where to go from here when my "ailments" change on a daily basis, and I don't even know if they are anything real. I realize this post makes me sounds crazy, but some days I feel that way!
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