As the Day Approaches....

I really didn't think this week would be so hard.

I feel like a big whiner lately, but this week has been really difficult. I have felt so angry most days, and tired, and overall just totally spent. I've missed Asher & Evan more deeply, more often than I have in a few weeks. And I feel so helpless to control the emotions that have flooded me at different times each day.

Looking ahead to our due date, I've anticipated a sense of relief, like "Well, that's over with." Not that my grief is anywhere near resolved, but somehow I thought that reaching what would have been the "official" end of the pregnancy would be a weight off my shoulders. A corner to turn, a milestone to reach. Maybe it will still feel like that somehow, but right now all I feel is sad, sad, sad. I will be glad when this week is over.

Our friends and church have been so thoughtful this week, letting us know that they remember, and are there for us. We've received a few cards and gifts in honor of the boys. Each time I am so touched, and newly overcome with emotion. I feel overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support. We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such community. Who knows how much worse the week would be without it!

And since today is Thankful Thursday... I am also thankful for our counselor. We had another appointment on Wednesday, and it was really good. So far I've cried my eyes out at both appointments (no surprise there, since I cry at everything). I've learned more about J's grief/coping than I knew before. J and I are going to schedule a few individual sessions to discuss some anxiety issues, and then regroup. Also, it is possible that I'm dealing with some sort of depression or PTSD... but the jury's still out on that. I feel like I'm functioning awfully well to have PTSD, but what I do I know about it? Anyways, I am thankful for the help we're getting.

This weekend we're planning to spend a lot of time working on the boys' memorial garden. I have the opposite of a green thumb, so it should be interesting! Luckily J is much better with that stuff. I am really looking forward to that, and spending some time remembering, honoring, and loving on my boys.