I've wanted to post several times this week, but work has been so ridiculously busy! I haven't had much energy for anything else.

On my heart today is a girl named Kerry. She is in the hospital with Pre-e/HELLP, and is being induced tomorrow. Her baby girl will most likely not survive. My heart just breaks for her. I remember the day we had to decide to induce delivery. It was one of the worst days of my life. I would never wish this excruciating journey on anyone. Kerry and her family are heavy on my heart, and in my prayers today. It's amazing how many people out there have been affected by this horrible disease that I'd barely heard of, before it happened to me. It seems so unfair.

This past week has been pretty good overall. We had our first appointment with a grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. The counselor seemed very kind and compassionate, and I think we'll be a good fit. She told us that it seems like we are doing really well, considering. There's something comforting about having a professional say that, especially when I feel like a psycho half the time! For our next session, J and I are supposed to think of things in our relationship that have been frustrating (related to our grief), and topics for discussion. Basically, how the counselor can help us.

Last weekend we went to the Minnea.polis Insti.tute of Arts. We hadn't gone to a museum together in quite a while. It was fine, but I was in kind of a funk that day. I find it difficult to enjoy doing things as much as I used to. We were in the contemporary section when a mother and her little boy came in. The mom was asking the boy all kinds of questions about the art, and really engaging him in the visit. It was exactly what I've always imagined J and I doing with our kids. My heart broke all over again, and I totally lost in in the middle of the museum. Our boys are supposed to be here. We should be looking forward to their first museum trip. It made me feel so lonely.

Of course after that, all I could see were the little boys everywhere in the museum. I swear it was "Bring Your Adorable Son to the Museum" Day. Every time we'd turn a corner I'd think "Are you KIDDING me!?!" because there would be another cute little boy with his parents. We left soon after.

Those are the kind of things that make me feel psycho. I cannot predict when I'm going to be hit especially hard by something. Grief feels like a mental illness in that way. My reactions and emotions can be so unpredictable, and leave me feeling completely vulnerable. That may be part of the reason I don't enjoy going out and doing things quite as much—I always have to be on my guard for potential emotional minefields. I don't know what will set me off. At any moment I will step on a soft spot, and BAM! burst into tears. A lot of times I don't have the energy for it, so I'd rather stay home.

Luckily, J is not letting me stay home. And I have no intentions of becoming a hermit, really, so we keep trying. I feel bad that he has to deal with my explosions. They must feel even more unpredictable to him.

Anyways. The weather is amazing lately, which helps my mood. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm hoping to take some time to sit and meditate on the amazing gift of Jesus, and His death on the cross. I honestly haven't thought a lot about it yet this season. But it is all that I have, and all that keeps me going. I'm so glad for the hope I have in Him, even when I don't focus on it as much as I should. I hope tomorrow isn't hard... it will be the first extended family gathering since the boys were born. It should have been their first family holiday, or I should have missed it because I was about to pop. It's hard to say when they would have arrived, but I sure wish they were here now.