I attended church alone this morning for the first time in several months. J often has worship stuff on Sunday mornings, and until today I found myself unable to sit in church without him. It was just too much—the music, the babies, the people. I would spend the entire service simply trying not to cry. It wasn't even worth going, because I didn't hear a word of the sermon. I was too absorbed in my own pain.
This reaction has always seemed odd, because the church has been one of our biggest sources of support through all of this. Everyone there wants only to love us. And yet I couldn't stand being there without the buffer and protection of J by my side.
We've been able to go together several times over the last month, which seems to have helped. This morning, I got up and got to church myself, enjoyed worship, was able to listen to the sermon. No tears! I even chatted with a couple people after service, instead of making a beeline for door. It seems small, but this is a significant thing for me! I feel good knowing that I am doing better than I was a couple months ago. It is encouraging, too, since the last 3 weeks have felt very dark and difficult. Little by little, I am healing.
No comments:
Post a Comment