Two Months

Two months today. Two months ago I gave birth to my beautiful boys, Asher and Evan. Asher at 6:50 am, and Evan around 7:20.

Admittedly, the pain is not quite as sharp as it was on the 16th of January. But it is there, a strong ache, threatening to pull me down into complete despair. My grief is still very real, very rough, but perhaps the sharpest of edges are beginning to get worn away. It washes over me like a wave sometimes... my grief has tides, though they are not as predictable as the ocean.

This morning I was walking through the hallway at work, thinking about their births, and I was so distracted that I walked into the wrong part of our office, rather than back to my own space. Yikes! Hopefully I don't have to make any important decisions today. I was remembering holding Asher, and touching his skin. I remember both wanting to wrap him up in his receiving blanket to keep him warm, and leave him uncovered (how they gave him to me) to see more of him, all of him. I remember taking Evan from the nurse... he was so light, not much heavier than a can of pop. I remember the strangest mix of emotions flooding my heart... the oddest sense of pride and even joy, even though my boys were dying. And so much love. Deeper emotions than I have ever felt in my life.

I will stop for now so I don't get too upset at work... but one last thing: it really sucks that I am the only one thinking about them SO much today, and remembering this mark in time. I am the only one.