It is 6 pm, and I am still at work. Got here at 8:30. Probably won't leave until at least 6:30. That's the kind of busy I am these days! It leaves little time for anything else, like holiday shopping, blogging, etc. Hopefully soon we will be past our deadline and things will slow down.
I cannot believe that Asher & Evan's birthday is in less than one month.
Sometimes I feel weird using the word "birthday," like it isn't quite right to describe the magnitude of that day. Yes, it is their birthday, but it is also they day they went to Heaven. Sometimes I say "the one-year anniversary of the day the boys were born and died," but that is 1) quite long, and 2) still doesn't quite do it. It is the day I became a mother. It's the day my whole world changed. I need a new word or phrase to describe this day.
I also need to figure out what we're going to do on that day. J and I have the day off of work, and we've discussed going to the hospital to drop of the tiny hats and blankets I've crocheted in their honor. We've also discussed doing some kind of service project. I know that I will need to keep busy, and stay out of the house. But I don't know what I will really need, and how I can truly honor them.
Originally, we thought about ideas involving lots of people... but then I wasn't sure how many people I want to spend the day with. No matter what I would feel like a "host," and I'm not sure I'll be up to that. Anything resembling a party felt awkward, both because of the circumstances, and because of the random group of people we would invite (my divorced parents, random church people, etc). It all started to feel like an awful lot of work and burden for a day that I may just want to be left alone.
But of course, that day isn't about me. It's about them. It's about Asher & Evan, my beautiful firstborn sons, and a celebration of the short time we had with them. It's about remembering, and honoring. It feels wrong not to do something HUGE and momentous for such a momentous day. And yet, I think our celebration/memorial will be fairly low-key.
But I am struggling to be OK with that. I feel like a bad mother because I have nothing planned yet. Because I don't have some great idea. Because work is keeping me too busy to think of much else. Because I would rather be planning a loud, messy, hectic party filled with family, cake, and two adorable one-year-olds.
We do have something in mind... a vague idea of a card commemorating their birthday, along with a prompt to do some kind of good in their name. We would send this to close family and friends, and invite other people to participate, as well. Basically, make their lives have an impact, even though they are not here.
If anyone has any other ideas, I'd love to hear them! I'm sure I'm really worrying too much about it. But as many of you know, it is incredibly difficult to figure out how to parent children who are in Heaven, when you are still on Earth.
Don't feel like you have to do something huge. I wanted it to be a celebration, but it was also a sad day for us. Most of the extended family and friends that I would normally invite don't really get it and I thought would be more trouble than it was worth.
ReplyDeleteWe had cupcakes. I bought balloons and flowers and we released them at her grave. Then we went out to dinner, it was just us and my parents, and it felt right, the same people at the hospital when she was born and died were the people there.
You'll figure out what feels right to you. Don't let yourself buy into the guilt trips. There's always *something* to feel guilty about, the trick is to not let it get to you. You are a wonderful mother. What's right for other people might not be right for you, and that doesn't make you any less of a fantastic mother.
i agree that it doesn't have to be something big. for our girls' birthday. (i do love to think of this day as their birthday, because it is when i met them and oh, was that wonderful) i think i usually refer to it as 'the day the girls were born'. anyway i got off topic, sorry :)
ReplyDeletefor the 1 year anniversary (Oct 20, 2010)we woke up early and went to a 7:30am mass someone had dedicated to the girls. i cannot tell you how amazing it was to hear their names spoken aloud by someone who isn't in my family, to a room full of people who were praying for them. it was lovely. my sister and my husband and i held hands and we all wept when we heard their names. it was a precious moment.
after that we went and ate waffles. i cannot tell you what we did for the rest of that day but i felt fulfilled.
hoping that whatever you do brings you even closer to your children and a place of peace.
xoxo
a fellow babylost twin mom
lis