A Little Update

It feels like I haven't written in a while... I guess I haven't written a real post in a while, anyway. A lot has been happening, but in general, I have been feeling a little bit better lately. I'm almost afraid to acknowledge that, because at any second I could be back at square one on this cycle of grief. Also because I feel guilty for even thinking that I might ever feel better. I know I can't stay in this place forever, and that we are made to heal, but I still feel guilty for moving on from this experience. I need to learn that moving on from this experience doesn't mean I will ever "move on" from my babies, or love them any less.

• Spring has sprung around here, and we are officially having the best March weather EVER. That's also helping me to feel a bit better. I have never longed for spring so much in my life!
• J said recently that he thinks we're getting/going to get "more than one thing" out of this in-between time, and it was very encouraging to me. I think he's right. It does feel like we are making something of this time we've been given.
• A plan is in the works for a summer trip! We will be taking two weeks, and spending the first week at Faith's Lodge. Week two is TBD, but we are heavily leaning toward Costa Rica. How amazing would that be?? Praise God for giving us things to look forward to and plan during this season. My hope for this trip is that we can have some time of reflection/healing/processing, and then some time of escape/fun.
• We are still doing Weight Watchers, and have each lost about 7 pounds so far! I'm really glad that we're doing this now, because otherwise I would totally be eating my feelings. I'd like to lose 20 pounds total, so I'm about one-third of the way there. It feels really good to take care of ourselves physically. It seems like this has helped us heal somewhat.
• Diana was in town last weekend, and it was SO good. She wasn't here for very long, but it was so refreshing to spend time with her. We spent a long time talking about the boys and our experience, which was so nice. Diana is such a thoughtful friend, and had many good things to say. I'm always glad to share my experience/feelings with a close friend, because it is such a blessing that they want to share that burden, and better relate to what I went through. I feel very, VERY blessed by my friends.
• Sunday marked what would have been 36 weeks, aka full term for twins. This was a hard realization, but it was softened by the time that has passed since the boys were born. Next comes April, the month of their due date, and four months since their birth. I expect this to be much harder. We are planning a memorial garden for Asher and Evan, and hope to spend the weekend of their due date working on it. I'm in a stage right now where I want to do absolutely anything and everything to honor their names and remember them. Their names are the sweetest sound in my ears.