There is a constant ache of something missing in my life now. A constant sense that things just aren't the way they should be. I walk around all day feeling just a bit off, like I am missing a shoe.
I confess that my longing for heaven has grown exponentially since Asher & Evan died. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it is what it is. In addition to the general "no more pain and suffering, etc, etc," I now have a personal tragedy that brings all that home. I long to see my boys again. I long to hold them, and see them made perfect and healthy and living and strong. I long to feel my heart made whole again.
I think I felt God saying to me today, "You will always have this longing. You will never, ever be whole until you are with Me. I am the only thing that can make you feel whole again." As much as it is the death of my boys that has grown this feeling within me, God is teaching me that in reality, it's not my boys that will truly satisfy. Had they lived, there would have been something else that caused me to be discontent. Having a healthy baby will not fill me up. It will ease the sorrow, perhaps, but it will never fill the hole. God is teling me that oodles of children will never complete me the way He can. This knowledge has been there for years, but the reality of the message is only now starting to sink in.
Nothing can fill me up except God. Nothing can make me whole except Him. I will never feel complete on this earth, until I am united with Him in heaven. Seeing my babies again will just be the icing on the cake.
Just some things I'm thinking about today.
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