Long Overdue Update

I'm sorry I've been so MIA lately! "Real life" has been very full, and while I think many, many things to blog about I rarely have time to sit down and compose my thoughts into a post. Slow day at work today, so thought I'd steal a few minutes. For those of you that are checking up on me (thank you!) here is an update:

• I will be 25 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Praise the Lord! I can't believe I didn't write about the big 24-week milestone, but that's because I was too busy celebrating and enjoying it. I cannot believe I've made it this far. Of course, no one would wish for their baby to be born at 25 weeks, but each day gives me more hope that we will be able to take this baby home and raise her. It gives me comfort knowing that if something happened at this point, she is now considered a patient in the eyes of the medical community.
• Speaking of Baby Girl, I am just completely smitten with her already. I was concerned that I would have trouble bonding, as I know that's an issue for many babyloss moms. In the beginning it was more difficult. I was so afraid, and didn't want to invest myself too deeply, for fear that we would lose her. Well the fears are still there, but I've been really blessed to be able to relax a bit more and truly enjoy being pregnant. I know this is God's doing and not mine, because my brain is a minefield of what ifs? I am so thankful that He has allowed me moments of pure joy as I feel her moving around, and get to do some of the things expectant parents do like registering, looking at cute clothes, etc. This baby is going to be so spoiled it's not even funny, and I can't say I will help the situation!
• Like I said, we are mostly consumed with real-life concerns and tasks lately. Trying to get more work for our freelance business, looking for daycare options (WOW daycare is expensive here), finances, etc. I have been so overwhelmed at times. I try to remember that it is a blessing to have these problems to worry about. I would take the worries about money and work and schedules over the grief of loss any day. But easier said than done, a lot of times.
• I'm looking for a creative way to include Asher & Evan in the baby's nursery. Something small that we as a family will know about and recognize. I don't really have any ideas yet, so if you have suggestions I'd love to hear them!

Overall, I'd say my life is a dance between fear and joy lately. Most of the time the joy outweighs the fear, but when fear shows up it is VERY heavy. And I miss my boys so much. I've been able to go into baby stores and all that, but it brings back memories of registering for them. Every time I got to Babies R Us we pass the bedding that we had planned to use for them. When J and I registered we passed that section, and both looked, and moved on without saying anything. We didn't have to. We both knew how much it hurt. Some days it is a conscious decision to ignore the fear and embrace the joy. But mostly, I am so, so thankful.

And now I'm off to turn down the heat in my office, because someone thinks it's OK to set the thermostat to 75 degrees. Have some mercy on the pregnant lady, people!