I am 17 weeks and a couple days pregnant!
Every little thing I do to invest further in this pregnancy feels like I am tempting fate. Despite my beliefs, I can't seem to shake this anxiety that I will somehow "jinx" myself. I know that's ridiculous, but it's how I feel.
I just scheduled our "big" ultrasound... for the morning of my birthday. Eep! And all I can think is "I hope this birthday is better than last year."
I bought some more maternity clothes, and I think, "I hope I get to wear these for a while."
It is really painful. I feel guilty that I'm not investing more time/thought/energy into this baby yet... but every time I take a little step and cheer "Go me! Way to live one day at a time!" I immediately get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my brain involuntarily wonders, "How many days do I have left?"
I'm sure people think I'm morbid, or dwelling on the negative. People who haven't been there. But right now the idea of having a healthy baby in my arms feels just about as unbelievable as the idea of losing another child.
One day at a time... one day at a time... hopefully tomorrow will be easier.
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