Friday!

Augh, today has been so frustrating at work. One thing after another. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything, for it to be done correctly. SO glad it's Friday!

Wishin', and Hopin', Plannin' and Dreamin''

Do I dare even "say" this aloud....?

WE ARE GOING TO COSTA RICA!!!!!!

(!!!!!!!)

I am so excited I could scream! We've been thinking about our summer trip for quite a while, and Costa Rica has been in my head as a possible spot to go, after our week at Faith's Lodge. But, we had to wait and see how some things would shake out financially, before we could really determine what kind of vacation we can afford. Well, thanks to a very nice tax refund, we can totally afford to travel to Costa Rica!!!!!!

The idea of going back there practically makes me cry, I love it so much! I've wanted to return ever since I studied there during college. And going back with J so that we can experience it together... it's too awesome to even think about!

I have to admit, as off-the-wall excited as I feel, I am also hesitant to get that excited, because, well... our plans haven't exactly panned out lately (obviously). This may be something to cover in our upcoming counseling sessions. I often feel like the ground has been pulled out from under me. How could I possibly plan for anything, or hope for anything, when the harsh reality that things CAN and DO go wrong has smacked me right in the face? I've always been a worrier, but now I sometimes go around half expecting to trip and fall at any moment. I think that I'm going to die in my sleep. I worry that Jason won't make it home from work. Bad things have happened to me, and I find it challenging to hope and look forward to the good, because my experience has jaded me. It has been a major shock to my system.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
Proverbs 16:2-4

Then there's this verse. I would certainly like to think that we committed every aspect of our pregnancy to God... but our plans didn't succeed. So what does that mean? Maybe we didn't fully commit our plans to Him? OR is this a case where His will/plan overrides this verse? I don't know what to think anymore. I am having a lot of trouble with this verse today.

Well, enough of this rambly post. The good news is, a trip to Costa Rica is (Lord willing) in our future! Yay!

2 Things

1. This morning on the radio they read a list of "Top 10 Classiest Baby Names." Before they even got to the list, I had a feeling one of my babies' names would be on it.

Number 5 classiest boys' name? Asher.
Gosh I love hearing their names. Anywhere, any time. It always feels special, I can't explain it.

2. We went out to dinner with Dad and L a couple evenings ago, and L was being very purposeful and thoughtful in talking about the boys. I guess J told her how much we appreciate people mentioning them, using their names, etc. It was very nice and I could tell she was making an effort. She eventually said that D, my stepbrother, talks about them sometimes. He reminds her that even though Asher and Evan aren't here, she is still a grandma, and he is still an uncle. Can I tell you how that melted my heart? I totally lost it and started crying, I was so touched. Any time I hear of someone talking about my boys without my being there or instigating the conversation, it absolutely fills my heart with joy. My greatest wish is that they not be forgotten, and it blesses me so much to find out when other people remember them.

I hope that my babies have left an impact on this world, even though their time here was short. I know God had a purpose for their lives. Even though I know, of course my whole family has been touched by them, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one loving and missing them. :-)

A Little Update

It feels like I haven't written in a while... I guess I haven't written a real post in a while, anyway. A lot has been happening, but in general, I have been feeling a little bit better lately. I'm almost afraid to acknowledge that, because at any second I could be back at square one on this cycle of grief. Also because I feel guilty for even thinking that I might ever feel better. I know I can't stay in this place forever, and that we are made to heal, but I still feel guilty for moving on from this experience. I need to learn that moving on from this experience doesn't mean I will ever "move on" from my babies, or love them any less.

• Spring has sprung around here, and we are officially having the best March weather EVER. That's also helping me to feel a bit better. I have never longed for spring so much in my life!
• J said recently that he thinks we're getting/going to get "more than one thing" out of this in-between time, and it was very encouraging to me. I think he's right. It does feel like we are making something of this time we've been given.
• A plan is in the works for a summer trip! We will be taking two weeks, and spending the first week at Faith's Lodge. Week two is TBD, but we are heavily leaning toward Costa Rica. How amazing would that be?? Praise God for giving us things to look forward to and plan during this season. My hope for this trip is that we can have some time of reflection/healing/processing, and then some time of escape/fun.
• We are still doing Weight Watchers, and have each lost about 7 pounds so far! I'm really glad that we're doing this now, because otherwise I would totally be eating my feelings. I'd like to lose 20 pounds total, so I'm about one-third of the way there. It feels really good to take care of ourselves physically. It seems like this has helped us heal somewhat.
• Diana was in town last weekend, and it was SO good. She wasn't here for very long, but it was so refreshing to spend time with her. We spent a long time talking about the boys and our experience, which was so nice. Diana is such a thoughtful friend, and had many good things to say. I'm always glad to share my experience/feelings with a close friend, because it is such a blessing that they want to share that burden, and better relate to what I went through. I feel very, VERY blessed by my friends.
• Sunday marked what would have been 36 weeks, aka full term for twins. This was a hard realization, but it was softened by the time that has passed since the boys were born. Next comes April, the month of their due date, and four months since their birth. I expect this to be much harder. We are planning a memorial garden for Asher and Evan, and hope to spend the weekend of their due date working on it. I'm in a stage right now where I want to do absolutely anything and everything to honor their names and remember them. Their names are the sweetest sound in my ears.
  

3 Months

3 months today.

So far, I'm not nearly as much of a mess as last month... I haven't cried yet. I haven't had to leave work. I just feel so, so sad. And this post will be short, as I'm sure I could quickly become a crying, slobbery mess in no time if I get thinking about things. I'm not trying to avoid at all, I just want to wait until later, at home, to think and cry.

I miss you, Asher and Evan. My heart is just as broken as ever. I love you.

Let's Try This Out

OK, I've made this blog public.

(dramatic pause)

I've been so inspired by the amazing community of babylost bloggers out there, and so many of their blogs have helped me in many ways. So, I'm going to experiment with making this blog public. I will still be writing for myself, as if no one was reading. (Probably not many people will, anyway!) But perhaps putting myself out there will be beneficial in some way. Or maybe this blog can help someone else who is in a similar position. Who knows?

One of the reasons I've stayed private thus far is because this blog is primarily a place for me to explore my journey through grief, and I don't always want to share that with others. Also, I REALLY value my privacy, especially in this increasingly-not-private world of the interwebs. So if this doesn't work out, or I feel that privacy would be more valuable than input/support from others right now, that's what I'll do. I'm still in a very selfish/self-protective place with everything, and I offer no apologies for that.

If you happen to have found this place, welcome! And you can read the story of my baby boys by clicking here, or exploring the post labels on the left.

Happy Friday, all!

Well, it's Thursday again. Sometimes I feel myself waiting, just killing time each day. I catch myself in the evenings, just kind of "waiting it out" until I can go to bed. Often times I would be perfectly content to sit and do nothing until the day is over. I don't often have any particular excitement or anticipation of the next day, it just "is." This is a feeling I do not like, and when I notice it I try to make myself do something, to make the day worthwhile. But I've noticed that feeling cropping up more often lately. Something to watch out for, for sure. I don't want to let the months just pass me by, without feeling or enjoying anything in particular. A quick look back through my entries on this blog shows me that, yes, I do in fact have days that I feel joy and happiness. So that's good. If I ever get to a point where I have this feeling for weeks, I will know there is a problem. If nothing else, this blog will be useful to keep track of/monitor my spiral into insanity—ha.

In honor of Thankful Thursday, today I am thankful to be alive. No further explanation is needed, I'm sure. But I read some preeclampisa stories this morning, and it is breathtakingly terrifying how similar some of the stories are to mine, except those women died. God was surely watching out for me and preserving my life, because there were many, many opportunities for my illness to get out of control. I could have had a seizure while driving to the clinic to check my BP. Heck I could have ignored my instinct and not even had it checked! Then what? I shudder to think of it. I could have gotten much, much sicker, much, much faster. I could have bled to death. Honestly, I know I've talked about this before and I don't want to be a broken record, BUT I am so lucky to be alive. SO LUCKY. Surely God saved my life for a reason. He must have a plan and a purpose for me. I will praise Him as long as I live!